Contact has been reestablished for a few days, and I'm already feeling that this is the wrong call. There was this first moment of complete relief as we started into a conversation about the Walk the Moon concert (which, update, I did have a panic attack when a tinder match told me that he was going to be there the night before). I ended the conversation and it went to bed. It should have ended then, but of course I texted him the next day, asking a question that had been on my mind: had he seen the exquisite corpse music video?!?!
So much that is wonderful is going on in my life right now, I want to bring him up to speed and share that with him, but this trivial light, essentially empty text conversation makes me feel nothing but anxious. I don't really want shallow conversation, I don't want a surface level friend. I know that this is a brand new relationship and that we obviously can't be close right off the bat, but it's just not very fulfilling and I found yesterday that I was spending a lot of time waiting on him to text me, and that's not good for me. I don't want to wait on him, I want to keep living my life separately. I'm thriving as an individual, and I don't want to be a puppet on his string. It just feels wrong.
Tuesday, January 30, 2018
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
Progress Report 1-23-18
I didn't think about him once today!
I did see both of his best friends, but I didn't think about him! And that feels amazing!
I did see both of his best friends, but I didn't think about him! And that feels amazing!
Progress Report 1-21-18
I don't know why every time I see him I have the air knocked out of my lungs. He's the thing I am most completely afraid of. I feel like any progress I make in respect to healing is negated in the instant I see him in the doorway of the cafeteria. Like a kickball rocketing into your stomach and the characteristic recoil which follows you clutch your gut for dear life and desperation that maybe the pain will lead to something triumphant, like a final out, or an eventual moving on. I ran away tonight, even though I had felt really good all day.
I had a really great day at church! The Church downtown is super progressive, led by a Lesbian woman who talked about #metoo, fair trade, child development and genetic research among all sorts of other scientific things in her sermon. I felt like I was in a lecture and learning something. The music was moving, I cried. I felt comfortable. It was so nice to sit with Karen and learn about the people in her community. I felt welcome. I did have to act a little more extraverted than normal, pretend that I didn't mind standing in a crowded coffee and donut hole reception party and make small talk. That's the worst part of going to church, that I am not an extravert and I worship independently and privately for the most part.
I got lunch with Emily after church and we finally went to taste of Havana! The sandwiches are so good. I had meant to eat there on a date with my ex once, but we didn't stay because it was more of a lunch place than a dinner one. She and I talked about life and love and I felt really happy. We will hopefully be spending more time together this semester. I'm really hoping to strengthen many more of my present friendships.
After lunch I dyed my hair today in practice for Walk the Moon! The tiger stripes look amazing! I'm so pleased! They will wash out by Friday so I can apply some fresh stripes before the concert but it feels so real and I'm so excited! Andrew and I talked today. It is his ex's birthday and he made her such a considerate gift. Granted, they broke up 6 months ago so it's ok to do that sort of thing, but I'm wondering about the etiquette for ex's birthdays considering my no contact period extends until the day before my ex's birthday this year. I want to let him know I'm thinking about him, but I don't want to ruin his day. I need to find out if it's ok or if I should just silently recognize it and move on. I took him out for his birthday last year. It was really wonderful, but I didn't want for him to remember his birthday as the night his ex took him out... maybe he will. I'm not going to interfere with twenty. It's a big year. Hell! This year it's my golden birthday and nothing's going to stop me from kicking ass for it!! I've basically been looking forward to it my entire life!!
Austin texted me today too. That made me smile, because, after Friday night when I talked to Nick about my date with him, I've been thinking more seriously about whether or not there is potential with it. Again, I know I can't date right now, but by spring break I might be ready. And Nick likes him, Keely likes him, Keisha likes him, Adam likes him. What's not to like? The fact he's not my ex... but whatever... I'll move beyond that in time.
Then I had dinner with Nick, which was nice. I was sorry to hear that his date didn't go that well, however, it was nice to hear him talk optimistically about future romance. It's a good reminder to roll with the punches and not to focus on someone who is not interested in you. It's not about making the object of your desires desire you, but rather to move on. I really value him in my life and when I'm with him I feel comfortable and confident. He's a really really special friend! However, the ex dilemma. At dinner I saw him, and I ran back to my dorm as fast as I could, jumped under the weighted blanket and slept away all my fears. I don't know what's so scary about him, it's not really him. Just seeing him with all of his friends and feeling so completely alone. So stranded. He has a loyal support system, and I, have a few moderately close friends who will one day tire of my drama and conflict. But the boundaries book is helping and I'm doing a lot better. Seriously. I am!
I had a really great day at church! The Church downtown is super progressive, led by a Lesbian woman who talked about #metoo, fair trade, child development and genetic research among all sorts of other scientific things in her sermon. I felt like I was in a lecture and learning something. The music was moving, I cried. I felt comfortable. It was so nice to sit with Karen and learn about the people in her community. I felt welcome. I did have to act a little more extraverted than normal, pretend that I didn't mind standing in a crowded coffee and donut hole reception party and make small talk. That's the worst part of going to church, that I am not an extravert and I worship independently and privately for the most part.
I got lunch with Emily after church and we finally went to taste of Havana! The sandwiches are so good. I had meant to eat there on a date with my ex once, but we didn't stay because it was more of a lunch place than a dinner one. She and I talked about life and love and I felt really happy. We will hopefully be spending more time together this semester. I'm really hoping to strengthen many more of my present friendships.
After lunch I dyed my hair today in practice for Walk the Moon! The tiger stripes look amazing! I'm so pleased! They will wash out by Friday so I can apply some fresh stripes before the concert but it feels so real and I'm so excited! Andrew and I talked today. It is his ex's birthday and he made her such a considerate gift. Granted, they broke up 6 months ago so it's ok to do that sort of thing, but I'm wondering about the etiquette for ex's birthdays considering my no contact period extends until the day before my ex's birthday this year. I want to let him know I'm thinking about him, but I don't want to ruin his day. I need to find out if it's ok or if I should just silently recognize it and move on. I took him out for his birthday last year. It was really wonderful, but I didn't want for him to remember his birthday as the night his ex took him out... maybe he will. I'm not going to interfere with twenty. It's a big year. Hell! This year it's my golden birthday and nothing's going to stop me from kicking ass for it!! I've basically been looking forward to it my entire life!!
Austin texted me today too. That made me smile, because, after Friday night when I talked to Nick about my date with him, I've been thinking more seriously about whether or not there is potential with it. Again, I know I can't date right now, but by spring break I might be ready. And Nick likes him, Keely likes him, Keisha likes him, Adam likes him. What's not to like? The fact he's not my ex... but whatever... I'll move beyond that in time.
Then I had dinner with Nick, which was nice. I was sorry to hear that his date didn't go that well, however, it was nice to hear him talk optimistically about future romance. It's a good reminder to roll with the punches and not to focus on someone who is not interested in you. It's not about making the object of your desires desire you, but rather to move on. I really value him in my life and when I'm with him I feel comfortable and confident. He's a really really special friend! However, the ex dilemma. At dinner I saw him, and I ran back to my dorm as fast as I could, jumped under the weighted blanket and slept away all my fears. I don't know what's so scary about him, it's not really him. Just seeing him with all of his friends and feeling so completely alone. So stranded. He has a loyal support system, and I, have a few moderately close friends who will one day tire of my drama and conflict. But the boundaries book is helping and I'm doing a lot better. Seriously. I am!
Saturday, January 20, 2018
Progress Report 1-20-18
If you don't love me now, you will never love me again, I can still hear you say you would never break the chain. -Fleetwood Mac, The ChainAs I walked back from my car, which I parked across from yours, "The Chain" popped up on my spotify shuffle of all the classics I've been listening to. I heard the words and felt their truth as I walked back to Fairview. I saw the light on in his window during the guitar solo and I danced like hell, spinning and laughing and having a great time because I understood. He stopped loving me a long time ago, even when we were together. The entire last month of our relationship was platonic on his part and strenuous on mine. I told him I felt like someone he loved but was not in love with, and that's who I'll always be. He won't love me outside of this relationship and he won't realize it. It has always been over.
I had been seeing all of these signs encouraging me to reach out to him recently. To apologize. To try to be friends.
For one thing, yesterday was my cousin's husband's 25th birthday. They've been married 3.5 years and have a one year old. My cousin wrote, "we've spent 1/5 of our lives together, and here's to forever more" on the post and I realized how scary it was to think of the future. Even though I was deeply convinced that my ex and I had a solid future together I never in a million years thought about being married with a child at 25. That's scary to commit to a forever. I wanted to call him and apologizing for making him feel that way and to say that there was no time line with us and I didn't expect anything like that ever, I just saw these vivid images of us waking up in bed together, having a little flat in Brooklyn, and I wanted to one day share those experiences with him. But I'm 20! I'm not looking for forevers or life partners. I thought I did when I met him. I thought that's what I wanted but it's not and I know that now and I thought, maybe that would change everything... Thankfully I didn't say anything.
Another alleged sign I noted was when I was tucking Anna into bed tonight. I told her I was coming to church with her tomorrow and she said I'd like it and wished I had seen her Christmas pageant like I said I would. I explained that I needed to be with my mom that weekend because someone upset me. She asked why I was sad and I told her that someone I loved deeply didn't want to be my friend anymore. She didn't ask me who, she knew. She said his name and I started balling in front of the seven year old I babysit. She told me, "you don't have to be girlfriend and boyfriend anymore, but you're friends with everyone that you love." I repeated to her, "no Anna, we aren't friends at all anymore." But I wanted to be. I wanted to be platonically friends. And I thought to myself this was the moment I come to my senses and try to make that work. I embrace all of the resentment and tolerance I felt as his girlfriend who was treated like his friend and be grateful for his friendship exclusively. But I remembered the resentment and how much more I wanted and said a little prayer. I reminded myself that I deserved more. I knew we couldn't be friends when I told that to him two weeks ago now. I stand by that. I don't want to be friends. He may not have done anything wrong other than stop loving me. I can love him and want the best for him without being in love with him anymore. Slowly that's proving to be true.
Ryan, Anna's brother asked me when we were listening to music tonight if I was in love with anyone. I told him no. In every conversation I dramatize in my head of my ex's and my reacquaintance I say, "I'm still in love with you" but the longer it goes by, the more I know that isn't true. How can I be in love with someone who's not there? I'm in love with the memories. I'm in love with the feelings. I'm in love with the moment and the lessons... I'm not in love with him.
I'm excited to go to church tomorrow actually! Karen said it's a really progressive church and they do their choir practices on Sunday mornings so I may not even have to make an evening commitment if I want to sing with them! I'm excited to start saying yes to healthy choices and decisions.
Keely is a really good and healthy friend for me. She and I got into a fight and cried in the car about it together because we both value each other so deeply. Sure my ex and I cried together every time we tried to reconcile but I didn't trust him. There was something he couldn't do, or wasn't telling me about the words we shared and the feelings he felt that we couldn't overcome a challenge or obstacle he experienced. Keely on the other hand loves me in a way I can only hope to be loved by a man one day. I will never take her for granted. I will always appreciate that she is transparent with the things I do which burden her, and that we can both acknowledge our mistakes. I don't need a reminder that I'm worthy of a true love or a true friendship, but she is a reminder to be grateful for it when it happens.
That's about all the insights I have for me today. I did speak to Renata. She was immensely helpful because she told me that I was breaking my patterns of relationships past with this one. Obviously I'm too proud to be dumped. And obviously I'm still thinking about self improvement and ways I can be more open to future relationships, but she said she was proud of me for not worrying about my ex so much and really taking a look at what my needs are after a break up. I'm the nurturing type. I avoid my problems by helping others with theirs. I recognize that I hide from pain by absorbing other people's and now without a boyfriend or a best friend to load their pain on my shoulders I can't hide. I can sit in bed and watch Love Sick on Netflix for two hours pausing periodically to cry. I can read a book on presence and boundaries. I am free. So
thank you ex boyfriend, for every "I'm sorry" because I don't need to wonder about how you're doing or how you feel. I do, but I know I don't have to. I know that all I'll ever know is that you're sorry and you didn't want to hurt me. And that's where we can leave it. No excuses. Just ownership. It takes two to break up. I don't know what I did. But I'm sorry too. I don't know if I write to you because I want you to know that I'm sorry, or if I need to process all the reasons I shouldn't be sorry. In the last five weeks I've learned so much. I'm really proud of myself. I really love myself. And I love you too. I miss you every day. But one day I won't. Maybe you already don't miss me. I'm happy for you. That's what distance and silence gives us. As the silence sets in we resolve and create a closure of our own. Then we move on. I haven't wanted to yet, but, "you will never love me again" and so I must.
Friday, January 19, 2018
Progress Report 1-19-18
FUUUUUUCK ME. That was awful. It was friendly. It was casual. It was not at all what I needed. I was on the phone with my friend Joe when I ran into him. I haven't spoken to Joe since summer and so of course he wanted to know what happened. I spent an hour in excruciating detail describing the break up and the "break" that followed it. Obviously there's no closure and I don't think there ever will be. I'm just Kimbra, cutting Gotye off. I don't think I'm ready yet to understand exactly why my ex didn't want to get back together with me and maybe I don't ever need to know why he didn't want me. It just hurts that he doesn't. I want him to explain but it won't help me heal. Maybe one day I will, but once I get over it, it will be over. I'm working really hard to accept that it's over. I'm working really hard to be comfortable living in the same place as him. The person I want so desperately to be in my life is just the last person that should be in my life.
I did run into both Tim and Matt while I was walking around. Matt gave me his phone number and Tim gave me his flirty smirk. I think he's started to pick up on the fact I'm interested. Out of dignity, and respect for both my ex and myself I know I can't jump into another relationship. But I had a meeting with Dr. Bohannon today which shook me to the core. He told me about this woman that he's been in love with for 50 years since he was in highschool. He told me that they had dated for about a year when she met her current husband and that she unfortunately had to stop seeing him. He told me that the two of them are friends and I asked him if that was good for me. He said it was good for his research. But 25 years later they reunited at a class reunion and he fell in love with her all over again and hasn't stopped since. He then preceded to get married, have a family, become divorced, and ruin several engagements and three marriages before he decided to be content as a single professor. But he's not content! He's not even happy!! I don't want to live like that no matter how successful he is. That's why my ex can't be my friend, I don't want to compare any prospective lover to him. That's why he's out of my life... but not yet out of my thoughts, and seeing him today didn't help that. I miss him every day. I only stopped talking to him 13 days ago. Not even two weeks have passed. It's crazy how much stronger I'll be in another two weeks.
A year ago I hardly knew him. A year ago I looked across the choir room and thought he was cute, and I occasionally sat at a table near the door of the cafeteria so I'd see him when he came in for lunch and I could smile at him. A year ago I wasn't looking for love or even happiness. A year ago I was doing the exact same thing. I was the rejected party in a romantic affair doing whatever I could to correct it or make it right, ultimately dooming any chances for friendship or reconciliation. And that's another thing Dr. Bohannon shared with me today. He mentioned that this is common across all people and all relationships. You can't prove to someone you love them or that they belong with you, but everyone does. I didn't even have to tell him what my google search history looked like for him to know precisely how I was feeling. I hate that! I hate him for all the reasons I admire him! Same with my ex... I've been doing really well otherwise. I love Dr. Giesler and social psych, hopefully I'll learn a lot! I'm moving forward with my Fullbright application for the summer and exploring some research opportunities. But right now I'm watching black mirror in bed, listening to my body, recognizing that I need some downtime to recover from the awkward, unsatisfying, uncomfortably fake exchange I just shared with my ex.
I don't want to pretend that he doesn't exist. I'm not that cold. I don't want to pretend that I don't know him. I don't even want to pretend that we never had a relationship. Still, I am pretending to be okay. And by admitting this here, in the safety of my loved ones, I recognize that I'm still grieving and healing and hurting. I'd been dreading this moment all week, and it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Maybe next time, when I'm not on the phone I'll even say hello. Maybe next time won't hurt as much.
I did run into both Tim and Matt while I was walking around. Matt gave me his phone number and Tim gave me his flirty smirk. I think he's started to pick up on the fact I'm interested. Out of dignity, and respect for both my ex and myself I know I can't jump into another relationship. But I had a meeting with Dr. Bohannon today which shook me to the core. He told me about this woman that he's been in love with for 50 years since he was in highschool. He told me that they had dated for about a year when she met her current husband and that she unfortunately had to stop seeing him. He told me that the two of them are friends and I asked him if that was good for me. He said it was good for his research. But 25 years later they reunited at a class reunion and he fell in love with her all over again and hasn't stopped since. He then preceded to get married, have a family, become divorced, and ruin several engagements and three marriages before he decided to be content as a single professor. But he's not content! He's not even happy!! I don't want to live like that no matter how successful he is. That's why my ex can't be my friend, I don't want to compare any prospective lover to him. That's why he's out of my life... but not yet out of my thoughts, and seeing him today didn't help that. I miss him every day. I only stopped talking to him 13 days ago. Not even two weeks have passed. It's crazy how much stronger I'll be in another two weeks.
A year ago I hardly knew him. A year ago I looked across the choir room and thought he was cute, and I occasionally sat at a table near the door of the cafeteria so I'd see him when he came in for lunch and I could smile at him. A year ago I wasn't looking for love or even happiness. A year ago I was doing the exact same thing. I was the rejected party in a romantic affair doing whatever I could to correct it or make it right, ultimately dooming any chances for friendship or reconciliation. And that's another thing Dr. Bohannon shared with me today. He mentioned that this is common across all people and all relationships. You can't prove to someone you love them or that they belong with you, but everyone does. I didn't even have to tell him what my google search history looked like for him to know precisely how I was feeling. I hate that! I hate him for all the reasons I admire him! Same with my ex... I've been doing really well otherwise. I love Dr. Giesler and social psych, hopefully I'll learn a lot! I'm moving forward with my Fullbright application for the summer and exploring some research opportunities. But right now I'm watching black mirror in bed, listening to my body, recognizing that I need some downtime to recover from the awkward, unsatisfying, uncomfortably fake exchange I just shared with my ex.
I don't want to pretend that he doesn't exist. I'm not that cold. I don't want to pretend that I don't know him. I don't even want to pretend that we never had a relationship. Still, I am pretending to be okay. And by admitting this here, in the safety of my loved ones, I recognize that I'm still grieving and healing and hurting. I'd been dreading this moment all week, and it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Maybe next time, when I'm not on the phone I'll even say hello. Maybe next time won't hurt as much.
Thursday, January 18, 2018
Progress Report 1-18-18
Turns out if you don't eat dinner you can avoid your ex completely in a full day. It's kind of liberating. Actually, today was a really good day. I did have a good cry, and a good work out thrown in there, but ultimately I felt good and I was interested in everything I was learning. I'm on top of the world as a psych major in psych courses with amazing professors.
Tyler texted me with an issue that was all too familiar. He started my day with: "I cut off all contact with my ex and now I'm having the need to reach out to her." Oh boy! I had so much advice for him. "I know you want to talk to her, but it's all a matter of pride. It's a wounded pride that said, 'I am going to love this person because she is the ONE and the world is exceptional to me and my judgement is superior to God or fate or whatever controls the universe.' It's the wounded pride that said, 'You diminished me and hurt me and I deserve more and better and you're supposed to want me and recognize that because if you don't I'll only be diminished more greatly.'" If you tack on the ever present concern of It's the wounded pride that said, "I was used as a beard and you weren't honest with me that you were questioning your sexuality or whatever it was that was weighing on you that you couldn't share and I wish you felt like I could handle it or understand."
My pride is so incredibly wounded, but not my heart. I am able to love again. And I will when I'm ready. I told Keely that my goal is not to enter into another relationship for another year, or until I feel ready, whichever comes first. I do want to be alone a while I think. I'm so grateful for my family, friends, and the deeper sense of self I am developing as I continue to explore the joys of introversion from my room.
Of course I miss him. And if he reads this, I hope he misses me too. But I'm doing okay!
Tyler texted me with an issue that was all too familiar. He started my day with: "I cut off all contact with my ex and now I'm having the need to reach out to her." Oh boy! I had so much advice for him. "I know you want to talk to her, but it's all a matter of pride. It's a wounded pride that said, 'I am going to love this person because she is the ONE and the world is exceptional to me and my judgement is superior to God or fate or whatever controls the universe.' It's the wounded pride that said, 'You diminished me and hurt me and I deserve more and better and you're supposed to want me and recognize that because if you don't I'll only be diminished more greatly.'" If you tack on the ever present concern of It's the wounded pride that said, "I was used as a beard and you weren't honest with me that you were questioning your sexuality or whatever it was that was weighing on you that you couldn't share and I wish you felt like I could handle it or understand."
My pride is so incredibly wounded, but not my heart. I am able to love again. And I will when I'm ready. I told Keely that my goal is not to enter into another relationship for another year, or until I feel ready, whichever comes first. I do want to be alone a while I think. I'm so grateful for my family, friends, and the deeper sense of self I am developing as I continue to explore the joys of introversion from my room.
Of course I miss him. And if he reads this, I hope he misses me too. But I'm doing okay!
Wednesday, January 17, 2018
Progress Report 1-17-18
I love my classes. All of them! Are you at all surprised? Are you at all surprised that when I'm in class I'm completely and entirely focussed on class? My professors are all wonderful and I'm looking forward to learning so much psychology it comes out of my ears! I hope it gives me some perspective and some peace, but it may only lead to more questions.
I texted Austin today to see if he likes ZZ Top. He seemed happy to hear from me.
After I saw my ex in the dining hall tonight though I did cry in bed for 40 minutes, but then used that as motivation to work out and eventually get off campus with a friend. I think boundaries are important, but right now I need to nurture my soul and friendships and going out to get hair dye with Adam was necessary. We sang to Walk the Moon in the car and it was nice to erase that old memory of my ex and me with a new one. With a friend.
I texted Austin today to see if he likes ZZ Top. He seemed happy to hear from me.
After I saw my ex in the dining hall tonight though I did cry in bed for 40 minutes, but then used that as motivation to work out and eventually get off campus with a friend. I think boundaries are important, but right now I need to nurture my soul and friendships and going out to get hair dye with Adam was necessary. We sang to Walk the Moon in the car and it was nice to erase that old memory of my ex and me with a new one. With a friend.
Tuesday, January 16, 2018
Progress Report 1-16-18
I ran away. I admit it. As soon as I saw that puffy burgundy jacket I bolted. I was very excited to see Nick in the dining hall, and then I saw Avery... and James... and my ex. I know I'm supposed to sit with my friends and laugh and pretend I'm happy and at peace. If I know he's around I can't. I'm just not at ease. My therapy intake appointment is tomorrow though and I'm excited to work on that. That is going to be my primary goal this semester: getting over a break up, finding peace with myself, and acceptance.
I had Ken and Keely over after dinner and Ken mentioned one of my ex's friends believes him to be gay. It wouldn't surprise me. And I wouldn't love him any less if that's what he's struggling with right now. I really hope for the best for him, I just can't be around it.
I saw my freshman mistake on tour today and I waved and said hello and it was simple, easy, we're not friends but the familiarity was comfortable. Thank god I didn't see my ex though. I might have had to jump ship and jump into bed with my weighted blanket.
Ken made some lizard sounds and I just began crying. I haven't thought about lizard in a long time. He died a month ago. I sometimes wonder, will these memories linger on with him? Will he think of me when he hears someone say lizard? Or what about when he takes his next partner (male or female) out on a date and they don't eat their lemon wedges? Will he wonder about that?
Ultimately it doesn't matter and it makes very little sense to care. I know I'm not supposed to. I shared my thoughts and stories and feelings with the people in my pod tonight, it was a bonding experience. Though, I believe now that Lizzie, the most secluded podmate was not actually all that secluded and that she spent considerably more time with everyone than I believed. Maybe being single will allow me to be better friends with them.
There are so many benefits to being single, but I would give it up in a heartbeat. Have you worked on yourself? Have you taken all the time you need? I'd ask, jump into his arms and kiss him like never before. While I was running I listened to a youtube podcast about how to bring sex back into long relationships. The reason why fighting brings sex back is the fear that you could lose the person you've become increasingly dependent on. Freedom and Desire motivate sex most. And it's true, I'm free, and I want him. But I never lost my sex drive. I wonder what was going on with him, but I will never know.
How was your theatre class? How was Jazz? All these questions I want to ask you but I'm waiting to. Dear Ex boyfriend, I miss you and I'm scared of you. I'm scared of more rejection from you, and the power you have over me that you no longer deserve to have. I hope I will be better soon, but I'm truly terrified.
Today this is where I stand on progress: I am working out. I am making friends and working on nurturing old friendships. I am writing. I am creating. I am a complete person. I am full. I am whole. I am human. This is going to be a great semester!
I had Ken and Keely over after dinner and Ken mentioned one of my ex's friends believes him to be gay. It wouldn't surprise me. And I wouldn't love him any less if that's what he's struggling with right now. I really hope for the best for him, I just can't be around it.
I saw my freshman mistake on tour today and I waved and said hello and it was simple, easy, we're not friends but the familiarity was comfortable. Thank god I didn't see my ex though. I might have had to jump ship and jump into bed with my weighted blanket.
Ken made some lizard sounds and I just began crying. I haven't thought about lizard in a long time. He died a month ago. I sometimes wonder, will these memories linger on with him? Will he think of me when he hears someone say lizard? Or what about when he takes his next partner (male or female) out on a date and they don't eat their lemon wedges? Will he wonder about that?
Ultimately it doesn't matter and it makes very little sense to care. I know I'm not supposed to. I shared my thoughts and stories and feelings with the people in my pod tonight, it was a bonding experience. Though, I believe now that Lizzie, the most secluded podmate was not actually all that secluded and that she spent considerably more time with everyone than I believed. Maybe being single will allow me to be better friends with them.
There are so many benefits to being single, but I would give it up in a heartbeat. Have you worked on yourself? Have you taken all the time you need? I'd ask, jump into his arms and kiss him like never before. While I was running I listened to a youtube podcast about how to bring sex back into long relationships. The reason why fighting brings sex back is the fear that you could lose the person you've become increasingly dependent on. Freedom and Desire motivate sex most. And it's true, I'm free, and I want him. But I never lost my sex drive. I wonder what was going on with him, but I will never know.
How was your theatre class? How was Jazz? All these questions I want to ask you but I'm waiting to. Dear Ex boyfriend, I miss you and I'm scared of you. I'm scared of more rejection from you, and the power you have over me that you no longer deserve to have. I hope I will be better soon, but I'm truly terrified.
Today this is where I stand on progress: I am working out. I am making friends and working on nurturing old friendships. I am writing. I am creating. I am a complete person. I am full. I am whole. I am human. This is going to be a great semester!
Monday, January 15, 2018
Progress Report 1-15-18
I'm all settled into my room. The piano overlooks the courtyard, and my dressers are stacked along the wall. I have a makeshift bookshelf. I put my shower speaker in tonight. I've looked at my syllabus for my Natural World Course. I feel excited to start classes.
Being physically settled is different from emotionally settled though. In fact, I'm quite unsettled. I look out for my ex everywhere I go because I'm dreading so deeply that first encounter, not because we will do anything or say anything, but because my heart will drop and I'll fall apart once again.
I am trying to stay busy. I brought 10 pounds of books to keep me occupied. First up is the Princess Bride! I also spent time with Jacqueline and Erin today. Still haven't seen Keely or Ro, but apart from those four I only would like to see Lucy and Justice and then I should be all set! It won't be too hard to invest in stronger friendships this semester, I hope. Everytime Erin invites me to her pod though I hold my breath. I am actively avoiding her next door neighbor... so... we'll see how well that can go.
Have a great first day of classes everyone!
Here's to an amazing term!!
Being physically settled is different from emotionally settled though. In fact, I'm quite unsettled. I look out for my ex everywhere I go because I'm dreading so deeply that first encounter, not because we will do anything or say anything, but because my heart will drop and I'll fall apart once again.
I am trying to stay busy. I brought 10 pounds of books to keep me occupied. First up is the Princess Bride! I also spent time with Jacqueline and Erin today. Still haven't seen Keely or Ro, but apart from those four I only would like to see Lucy and Justice and then I should be all set! It won't be too hard to invest in stronger friendships this semester, I hope. Everytime Erin invites me to her pod though I hold my breath. I am actively avoiding her next door neighbor... so... we'll see how well that can go.
Have a great first day of classes everyone!
Here's to an amazing term!!
Sunday, January 14, 2018
Progress Report 1-14-18
I am terrified of going back to school. I am terrified of parking my car within eyeshot of my ex's dorm room and having to make multiple trips carrying baggage from my car to the door. Even when we dated he never helped me carry my bags back up, so nothing is different, except now I'm vulnerable to his view and I don't want it. Today I had so much stress about packing I cried on the floor of my bedroom. I'm simply terrified to be in the same place and building with him. I picked up the shoes we bought together and cried harder. This progress report will probably never be published because I don't want my ex to know I asked a friend about him today. I found out that he went inactive on his fraternity. A part of me wonders if that is so he can focus his time on his academics, or if a part of it has to do with what I've shared about boundaries and time, and maybe, he's working on himself. I hope he's happier. I hope he is able to succeed. I don't get to know these answers, but I do hope he has a good semester. I know once I dive in it'll be good for me. I'll go to parties with friends, and have game nights, and go out to eat. I'll see musicals. I'll go to the gym. I'll write. I've been arranging music again! I haven't done that since June. Maria and Jessica came over last night to say goodbye and we started harmonizing to Dear Evan Hanson. It felt good to fall in love with the music again and not associate it with my ex. I still love the story, of him and his roommate singing Waving through a Window in the car at night driving quickly, racing the stars. I looked out the passenger's side and let the emotions wash over me as tears trickled down my face. I listened to the entire soundtrack that night. He gave me so much happiness, and now I know I'll have so much more. Jessica also is a Walk the Moon fan so I started arranging Tiger Teeth for us and Maria and Berit when she returns from New Zealand. I truly have the best friends at home and I'm excited to see my friends at school too, still I dread the first time I run into him.
Saturday, January 13, 2018
Progress Report 1-13-18
I qualified for an all expenses paid study abroad experience in the UK as a Fullbright Scholar. I could study Shakespeare at the Globe theatre, or arts and social justice activism in Bristol. I could study Education transformation at Queen's University in Ireland. I could study film in Birmingham. I love being smart and being recognized for my accomplishments. I finished the semester with all A's and a 3.97. I'm really in a good place.
Last night I went out with Keisha and Elissa and Jessica. I dressed up real edgy rocker chic. It was a look. I got to practice my walk the moon makeup. All in all it just was really fun to be out with my friends and to talk about their lives and these beautiful moments they were all having. Elissa and Kavi are approaching their sixth year together, and intend to be married on their eighth anniversary. A June wedding will be beautiful. We sat around the dinner table workshopping my toast. Elissa mentioned how she wasn't going to do anything fancy because they want to save money to travel and buy instruments and equipment and things, but mostly for the family the two of them so desperately want. She described wanting to read children's books that were her favorite to her kids and I thought back to my lullabies I sang to Anna. I still want kids and a family and love, but I said nothing. Jessica explained that she and Ethan had already named their first child, Charlie. She knows in her heart she probably won't stay with him forever, but she is so incredibly in love. (They're in Chicago today. She surprised him with tickets to a Bull's game. I miss Butler Basketball. I want to go with Adam and Keely this semester!! Pam is watching Kansas basketball on T.V. right now at 12am on a Sunday! We are an odd bunch.) She realized that all of her honeymoon talking was making me upset. I wasn't upset though. Just deep in thought about the conversation my ex and I had about a family and a future. We wanted to move in together. I was so confident we would. I was so confident we'd have more time. I told the story about how he and I went to Holiday World this summer and I played a game with a child who had a disability and the way my ex told me he loved me afterwards and admired how good I was with kids. It felt right with him. I told this story and I didn't cry or even feel sad. It was just a story of something that happened in my life. I felt fine. I felt good even. I felt like I was moving on. I told the girls about my date with Jared... their reaction was not approving.
Jessica insisted Jared's messages and banter with me were all part of his ultimate goal to sleep with me. She insisted that I needed to be safe. They seemed worried. They had nothing to worry about, the date was fun. We joked around like old friends. It was really comfortable. We played shoots and ladders, drank coffee, and shared stories about growing up and our families. He is really passionate about symphonic metal. I'm sorry. I can't date another drummer. There's just no way I can bring myself to it, but he explained that many metal albums are in fact concept albums and operas. I was intrigued but I doubt I will listen to them. Also! He hates Phil Collins because his drumming is "lazy" and bears. So I won't be going out with him again. He went to Gatlinburg this summer and apparently a bear kept eating out of his family's trash and so they threw trash at it. That's cruel and not cool. He laughed and seemed to take pride in it. I was instantly turned off. But glad that I could go on a date and be comfortable in my own skin.
Twenty minutes later on the otherside of town I was instantly proved wrong. In addition to going on a date with Jared, I met Austin today. I want so badly to have the first time I mention Austin's name to reflect what an incredible man he is. I want this to be a moment I look back on and say, this is where it started. But, I'm worried that today is where it ends. Austin is, wow, perfect, I suppose. When I think about him in retrospect I have to convince myself that I actually like him, which feels wrong. But I know I did this the night after my first date with my ex as well. I had a really awkward terrible first date with my ex as we ate dinner and walked around I tried to be cute and charming and impress him. I felt a little like that today. I couldn't talk about high school because, Austin is 22, how dumb is it to talk about high school to someone who is four years removed from high school? I couldn't really talk about what I was doing in college, because, I don't have very many passions I just do psychology and I read. Austin seemed impressed though. We sat in the coffeeshop listening to Stairway to Heaven, All along the Watchtower, Hotel California, Yesterday, and so many rock classics reveling in our similar taste in music and movies and history. I have so much I can learn from him and so much to be impressed by him. He drive around and sings to rock music. He laughed at my algebraic dance moves.
I wanted to like him so much because he's a nice guy, a good guy, a humble guy. But he felt like just a guy. There was no spark. He insisted he thought I was cute as I had trouble eating my muffin without it crumbling everywhere, he told me, "wow you look great" the moment he laid eyes on me, he complimented my questions and allowed me to lose my train of thoughts or my words. I am never so inarticulate. But I couldn't talk. I couldn't sell myself. I self sabotaged. After an hour I tried to leave saying my meter was up, and he paid to have me another hour because the conversation was so nice. I felt like I couldn't hold up half of the conversation and every silence had a weight of expectation. I used to feel so lonely in silence, then with my ex, so assured in it, and today, I felt embarrassed.
We went to a bookstore down the street from the coffee shop. I took him upstairs to watch the sunset and look at the downtown view. We stumbled into the used books section and found so many social science books and he said that I would have to be bored in there but I showed him the education stacks. "I've read half of these, or works inspired by the other half" I explained. "I want to reform education because there are all of these problems in it." He gave me a hug. I didn't know how to feel about such a touchy guy. I didn't hug my ex until the third night we had spent time together and he had to ask me for it. Austin just went for it, and I was completely surprised. He also hugged me after I confessed my libertarian politics (which he asked about I didn't bring up!!) and when we stumbled into the self help section. I found a book by a personal hero, Stephen Covey who wrote the Seven Habits of a Highly Effective Person which taught me about life, love, and happiness the way most people achieve it. I told him that I wasn't broken or anything and needed self help books (let's forget the boundaries book and the how to heal a broken heart book for a second) I just couldn't pick up cues very well. He was so kind and gentle about it and he reassured me that self help books were important for everyone not just broken people.
We found a book on modern aviation and flight and he told me about the tragic murder of a pilot's infant son to stop him from flying across the Atlantic ocean. As he told me this story looking through this old book with black and white photographs I felt a flicker of affection and genuine hope that I could see potential for a relationship. Then I reminded myself I don't want another relationship, I wanted dating experience, and just because Austin is a nice guy doesn't mean I need to date him. I'm proud of myself for realizing that, but still, I feel self sabotaging for not giving a nice guy another chance. We wandered around collections of music books, he has a violin and wants to self teach, or rather, he would love for me to teach him. He had me read him from a French technical guide just to hear me speak it. We looked at biographies of rock legends and musical icons from across the decades, and then I saw the wall that had all of the books about theatre. I walked away from Austin completely mesmerized. All of these books seemed perfect for my ex. I wanted to cry because I identified in that moment how I am not really entirely over him yet. I recognized too that, my ex will be Austin in 3 years, I know it. He will be almost entire the same, except not studying political science or have served in the military. Austin takes interest in everything I do and I didn't appreciate that until I started to explain to him that I didn't want him to wait around for me to come back to Champaign. He asked for my phone number and this would have been the perfect time to practice boundaries and say, "no I don't think that's wise" but I gave it to him and the next thing I know he kissed me. It is the 13th day of 2018 and I've already been kissed. It is 29 days since the last time I kissed my ex and I've already been kissed. There was no build up to it, I didn't want nor solicit it. I was entirely surprised and I don't think I liked it that much.
I need to be alone right now. But now I feel guilty. This was a terrible idea. Except, I now know that I can take these feelings and validate them, but recognize I did something for me today. I did not try to lead either Jared or Austin on by saying I was looking for something serious. I just went on a date and we didn't have a conversation about what we were looking for. It was just a first date. I know first dates are unbearable. I also know that my ex is not unique among men. Still, there's something about him that made me want him. I can't tell if it was the confidence he carried, the gravitas in his presence, his manor of speech, an aura. I don't know. I do know I can't look for that in anyone else. There will be something else attractive about the next man I date. But I won't date seriously for a long time. I can date casually though. Maybe. I can consider it. I have. I can't. I didn't like it. I felt deceptive and slimy. However, both Jared and Austin know that I could disappear and that we met today and if only today. I think I'm too traditional for blind dating. I think I need to spend some time with someone and develop a crush on them. This blind dating is shallow. Of course it's shallow compared to being in love. And maybe I need to change my approach to love. Or maybe, I can focus on Jesus' love and my self love like I said I wanted before I started listening to the advice of online love gurus and their urges to date other people in attempt to move on.
Thursday, January 11, 2018
Progress Report 1-11-18
Last day at Applebee's. Last appointment with Shayla before I go back.
I am thinking more clearly now, I think. I hope. The Death Cab for Cutie that I'm blaring in the living room isn't helping. The Transatlanticism album is so good. When I first listened to it in March I read through all the lyrics and laid in bed with the music pounding in my headphones and let it wash over me. I'm doing that again right now. That's why I'm writing. I felt compelled to motion, to action.
I downloaded Tinder yesterday, and when I saw RJ the other day he generously set me up with a friend of his Jared, for a date on Saturday. I'm scared out of my mind. I've never wanted to be the girl from tiny vessels. I never liked the idea that idea you can superficially connect with someone. But that's how things began with my ex, he said he was interested because I was attractive. I suppose, that's how everything starts in one way or another. It is disappointing. I know I want to be by myself right now, so why am I going out on a date? Why am I on a dating app?
It's not to distract myself. I don't believe in that. I think I have to do the hard work one way or another. To practice on people is cruel. I did that with Ben last fall. It sucked for him, and for me. I know I don't like casual dating. I don't need the validation of dating. I'm aware that that might have been a motivation in the past, but not now. In truth, why am I dating? I'm just looking for someone to connect to and I think this is just a part of moving on. I was dumped a month ago. I'm visualizing in my planner every day I don't speak to my ex and I think talking to close friends, Effie, Erin, Rowan, Keely and my friends at home has helped with that. I really shouldn't be dating. I've considered texting a few guys from work who I really like spending time with, but I work with them. Tinder is low stakes, what can go wrong? No one gets hurt or embarrassed. You don't know the people on there and they don't know you, unless you let them.
I said once that my deepest desire, if I wasn't scared of something, would be to love uninhibited without fear of being hurt. At dinner last night the family discussed a few questions that Grace purchased for Pam at Christmas. One of them was, "Would you rather lose every time or never play." Even knowing I will lose, I still want to play.
Love isn't a game though. I don't like all of the ways people solicit love and happiness as a technique or a strategy. Timing is everything. The timing was off in my last relationship. And maybe, I'm dating to bide my time, a little bit. Maybe eventually, with time, things can be different. I'm hopeful, but I'm dating. I'm moving on. I'm not dating out of spite or anger or jealousy, I'm dating because, I'm okay. And I want to be better than okay. I want to love and be loved. And I deserve that. I don't think I'm ready to trust or love someone other than Jesus so soon. I don't know what I'm doing. Transatlanticism ended so I can't even blame the album for wrecking my focus.
I'm doing better. I'm not going to talk to him for a while, and that's hard, but important. Maybe eventually I won't miss talking to him. That's the beauty of not being friends. It's like the last year didn't happen. I can't move backward, I can only move forward. I'm done standing still.
Shayla and I worked on something really important today. We identified my pattern of over giving and my weakest boundary. Remember how I described that everyone has a load to carry and everyone has a burden we must help them with. I think that when someone divulges their burden I assume too much responsibility in helping them with it because if I were to share my burden with someone, it would be a cry for help since I am not capable of doing anymore than I can. When Andrew disclosed his health struggles this summer I tried to figure out all the ways I could help him with such a heavy burden, but when the phone calls cut into my sleep, and into my visits with my ex, that excessive and not healthy. At that point I was not helping him with a burden, but with a daily load of living with his fears and anxieties. That wasn't my responsibility. Similarly when Effie disclosed her academic struggles with me last spring I tried to help her carry her burden by lightening her load and waking her up for class and making sure she did her homework and things. Those are supposed to be her responsibility. Lightening someone's load and supporting their burdens are SO different. Even though I think lightening the load shows support and assistance in managing the burden, ultimately it doesn't and it burns me out. Caring for the people I love so extremely then becomes a burden for me, as my family knows well. Finally, we have the scenario with my ex. I tried to lighten his load by helping with his papers and projects and all sorts of deadlines and organization. It wasn't that I didn't trust him or Effie or Andrew to handle their loads on their own, I just misunderstood their needs and thought they were asking for more from me than they were.
The narrative Shayla suggested for me the next time I become close with someone is:
Because you shared this vulnerability with me it feels like my responsibility however, I recognize the only responsibility I have to you is to love you.
I have to change how I offer love and support in a more moderate way, however, I am ready to make this healthy and proactive change.
I am thinking more clearly now, I think. I hope. The Death Cab for Cutie that I'm blaring in the living room isn't helping. The Transatlanticism album is so good. When I first listened to it in March I read through all the lyrics and laid in bed with the music pounding in my headphones and let it wash over me. I'm doing that again right now. That's why I'm writing. I felt compelled to motion, to action.
I downloaded Tinder yesterday, and when I saw RJ the other day he generously set me up with a friend of his Jared, for a date on Saturday. I'm scared out of my mind. I've never wanted to be the girl from tiny vessels. I never liked the idea that idea you can superficially connect with someone. But that's how things began with my ex, he said he was interested because I was attractive. I suppose, that's how everything starts in one way or another. It is disappointing. I know I want to be by myself right now, so why am I going out on a date? Why am I on a dating app?
It's not to distract myself. I don't believe in that. I think I have to do the hard work one way or another. To practice on people is cruel. I did that with Ben last fall. It sucked for him, and for me. I know I don't like casual dating. I don't need the validation of dating. I'm aware that that might have been a motivation in the past, but not now. In truth, why am I dating? I'm just looking for someone to connect to and I think this is just a part of moving on. I was dumped a month ago. I'm visualizing in my planner every day I don't speak to my ex and I think talking to close friends, Effie, Erin, Rowan, Keely and my friends at home has helped with that. I really shouldn't be dating. I've considered texting a few guys from work who I really like spending time with, but I work with them. Tinder is low stakes, what can go wrong? No one gets hurt or embarrassed. You don't know the people on there and they don't know you, unless you let them.
I said once that my deepest desire, if I wasn't scared of something, would be to love uninhibited without fear of being hurt. At dinner last night the family discussed a few questions that Grace purchased for Pam at Christmas. One of them was, "Would you rather lose every time or never play." Even knowing I will lose, I still want to play.
Love isn't a game though. I don't like all of the ways people solicit love and happiness as a technique or a strategy. Timing is everything. The timing was off in my last relationship. And maybe, I'm dating to bide my time, a little bit. Maybe eventually, with time, things can be different. I'm hopeful, but I'm dating. I'm moving on. I'm not dating out of spite or anger or jealousy, I'm dating because, I'm okay. And I want to be better than okay. I want to love and be loved. And I deserve that. I don't think I'm ready to trust or love someone other than Jesus so soon. I don't know what I'm doing. Transatlanticism ended so I can't even blame the album for wrecking my focus.
I'm doing better. I'm not going to talk to him for a while, and that's hard, but important. Maybe eventually I won't miss talking to him. That's the beauty of not being friends. It's like the last year didn't happen. I can't move backward, I can only move forward. I'm done standing still.
Shayla and I worked on something really important today. We identified my pattern of over giving and my weakest boundary. Remember how I described that everyone has a load to carry and everyone has a burden we must help them with. I think that when someone divulges their burden I assume too much responsibility in helping them with it because if I were to share my burden with someone, it would be a cry for help since I am not capable of doing anymore than I can. When Andrew disclosed his health struggles this summer I tried to figure out all the ways I could help him with such a heavy burden, but when the phone calls cut into my sleep, and into my visits with my ex, that excessive and not healthy. At that point I was not helping him with a burden, but with a daily load of living with his fears and anxieties. That wasn't my responsibility. Similarly when Effie disclosed her academic struggles with me last spring I tried to help her carry her burden by lightening her load and waking her up for class and making sure she did her homework and things. Those are supposed to be her responsibility. Lightening someone's load and supporting their burdens are SO different. Even though I think lightening the load shows support and assistance in managing the burden, ultimately it doesn't and it burns me out. Caring for the people I love so extremely then becomes a burden for me, as my family knows well. Finally, we have the scenario with my ex. I tried to lighten his load by helping with his papers and projects and all sorts of deadlines and organization. It wasn't that I didn't trust him or Effie or Andrew to handle their loads on their own, I just misunderstood their needs and thought they were asking for more from me than they were.
The narrative Shayla suggested for me the next time I become close with someone is:
Because you shared this vulnerability with me it feels like my responsibility however, I recognize the only responsibility I have to you is to love you.
I have to change how I offer love and support in a more moderate way, however, I am ready to make this healthy and proactive change.
Tuesday, January 9, 2018
Progress Report 1-9-18
I'll pretend I don't think about you when I hear our favorite song
and that the words aren't about you when I sing along
and that I'm doing better and I'm moving on
because that's what you would want
Choke, Ellen Rispoli, 2018
I've never felt so off balance in my life. I am usually so grounded. The world seems so sharp and focussed but now my life is a blur and my mind is spinning. I hate how much I miss him and how awful it will be to avoid him when classes start next week. I don't want to avoid him but I know if I run into him I'll be a mess and so I need to avoid him until I'm strong enough. Talking to Ken tonight I started imagining myself at some beta party where he's awkwardly sitting on a couch pretending to enjoy himself but really just staying until he feels like he's been polite enough. I'd walk over and ask to sit down. I imagined his eyes lighting up and telling me yes, and then we talk all night... but in reality he'll probably say, "you probably shouldn't" or he'll say "sure" but then get up and walk away. I hate that reality, but that's why it's called reality.
I'm so anxious about going back to school. I haven't purchased my books yet. I am not excited. I'm so proud of all the work I've done and progress I've made in identifying my codependency and working to strengthen my boundaries and self love and self awareness and just everything I can do better to function independently but amidst all of this I know how much I love him and how deeply my feelings run after this time apart. That's what we were supposed to talk about and evaluate once break finished. I would realize how much I loved him and wanted to fight for us. I don't know why everything is a struggle or a fight in my head, why I feel like I don't deserve things handed to me. I've always had to work ten times as hard to get what I want out of my education, or my friendships, or relationships. But do I want him, or do I want love.
He apologizes, every time we speak, because he doesn't want to hurt me. My boundaries book had such a moving passage in it about hurt and harm and how they differ. Things we enjoy can harm us, and things that hurt us can heal us. The book used an example of getting a cavity drilled. The pleasant experience of eating candy harmed our teeth, but the unpleasant experience of the dentist fixing the tooth hurt. Sometimes hurt can be really good and all of my growth is a testament of that.
I suppose what I know now is that my goal over break was not to get over my relationship with my ex. I never actually wanted to, and I still don't really, I just wanted to work on myself. I can do that and I'm not afraid to. I've been hurt but I am healing so many wounds I didn't realize that I had. I regained music, I got out my piano and started composing again! The lyrics above came to me in the shower, where I sing again. I also play out conversations, with his friends and him... I had a pretend fight with his best friend in the shower tonight actually. It's embarrassing because I want to be friends with them all. I want to start over and pretend someone else hurt me and was the love of my life and that my ex is just another friend. One day maybe I can.
Still I cry. I cry because there is a new life ahead that I know nothing about and rather than be excited about what it brings I am off balance and blurry eyed from the tears. I love him more than I knew the same way you love a stuffed animal from childhood more after your mom re-gifts it to a young cousin. I miss him everyday. But one day, I won't. Tomorrow we will have been broken up for a month. It will be the hardest month, the way the first week was the hardest week, and this past year was the hardest year in moving on after my highschool boyfriend.
Dear ex boyfriend,
thank you for helping me realize life could be beautiful. Thank you for showing me what it is like to be loved in return. Thank you for helping me grow in my discomfort and helping me realize I could do anything in the world. Dear ex boyfriend thank you for holding me while I cried and reassuring me that life always goes on. You didn't realize it, but you were preparing me for this moment all along. Everything we do prepares us for everything we one day will. So thank you. Thank you for loving me and thank you for breaking up with me. Thank you for respecting all the things I need to do to become better. I'm sorry I haven't moved on, and one day when I see you with someone else I will force myself too, but for now, I am unable to yet. I am a better person for having loved you and I am so proud of myself for that. Thank you so many times over. Thank you.
Monday, January 8, 2018
Progress Report 1-8-18
After a break up I always dive back into classic rock music. I think I feel more empowered when I listen to strong guitar riffs and drums beats and bass lines. Zepplin was yesterday, Hendrix today. I just really enjoy this music.
When I first started dating my ex we listened to Queen, but over time the classic rock faded into new wave and Indy rock. I love the evolution and I really enjoy the music my ex exposed me to, but, it will forever be his music. My favorite songs are these classics. I blur lines too much when dating someone. This is called compliant personality my boundaries book taught me.
Something else I realized yesterday was what exactly codependence is. I always confused codependence with interdependency, believing that because I was an autonomous, self assured individual I couldn't be codependent. But codependent relationships are unbalanced. When my ex and I first started dating, as with my high school boyfriend before him I desired interdependency. That's a healthy relationship goal, but I realize now that even if that is my goal, if it is unreciprocated by nature the relationship becomes codependent. My exes never gave as much as I did, and rather than pull back or remove myself from those relationships I tried harder. By nature, I am in fact a codependent. I believe that having healthier boundaries will allow me to avoid this in future relationships. I wish I hadn't been so blind, and I wish someone had told me what I was doing. Effie tried to tell me I did too much but she came off as critical. Very critical. And so I became defensive. She'd tell me I needed sleep too, but I would insist that my ex's success and happiness was important to me. THAT WAS A PROBLEM! A BIG PROBLEM!! He needs to be responsible for himself and I for me. I can't enter into another relationship where I idolize and idealize my partner and make these big life sacrifices for them. The boundaries book reminds me that that isn't love and I'm not selfish for choosing myself.
Do I wish that I had found this sooner and begun to work through my boundary issues while I was still in a relationship with my ex? Of course! However, I can still create change in my life this way. I do not have to be a codependent who is always in a relationship. I don't want to be in one right now. Saturday at lunch with Renata she explained since her break up with her high school boyfriend she has really enjoyed being alone. She used to notice herself crushing on someone and then trying everything in her power to "make him mine" but now she just notices the crush and lets it go. I'm going to try to do that. I think that's the healthiest thing for myself and for others until I work on my boundaries.
One other thing I learned yesterday was that it was all but fated for me to fall in love with my ex. I'm not a codependent though I exhibit codependent tendencies and my ex isn't a narcissist but he exhibits narcissistic tendencies (and my high school boyfriend is a full blown narcissist). I latched onto his charisma, his sexuality, his confidence. I, unassuming Ellen, felt high on pride in him and inflating his ego. I'm pretty darn impressive myself, but I would never take the same sort of pride in myself the same way I have in my significant others. I would feel validated by having someone so impressive love me. I'm impressive in my own right and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that-- in fact my exes and their rocket science like prowess would never consider me to be impressive. Narcissists and codependents get high off of each other. Of course they fall in love. They are equally broken and perfectly matched. I fought every urge to send podcast and youtube video links to my ex when I found this evidence. I can't control his healing. He's not part of my life any more. Boundaries keep the good in and the bad out, and right now he's not good for me. I don't know if he ever will be so long as I struggle with my boundaries. I can't think that I'm fixing myself to improve our chances of being better suited for each other, even though I consider that. I need to let him completely go, but I won't. I don't know how I can.
When I first started dating my ex we listened to Queen, but over time the classic rock faded into new wave and Indy rock. I love the evolution and I really enjoy the music my ex exposed me to, but, it will forever be his music. My favorite songs are these classics. I blur lines too much when dating someone. This is called compliant personality my boundaries book taught me.
Something else I realized yesterday was what exactly codependence is. I always confused codependence with interdependency, believing that because I was an autonomous, self assured individual I couldn't be codependent. But codependent relationships are unbalanced. When my ex and I first started dating, as with my high school boyfriend before him I desired interdependency. That's a healthy relationship goal, but I realize now that even if that is my goal, if it is unreciprocated by nature the relationship becomes codependent. My exes never gave as much as I did, and rather than pull back or remove myself from those relationships I tried harder. By nature, I am in fact a codependent. I believe that having healthier boundaries will allow me to avoid this in future relationships. I wish I hadn't been so blind, and I wish someone had told me what I was doing. Effie tried to tell me I did too much but she came off as critical. Very critical. And so I became defensive. She'd tell me I needed sleep too, but I would insist that my ex's success and happiness was important to me. THAT WAS A PROBLEM! A BIG PROBLEM!! He needs to be responsible for himself and I for me. I can't enter into another relationship where I idolize and idealize my partner and make these big life sacrifices for them. The boundaries book reminds me that that isn't love and I'm not selfish for choosing myself.
Do I wish that I had found this sooner and begun to work through my boundary issues while I was still in a relationship with my ex? Of course! However, I can still create change in my life this way. I do not have to be a codependent who is always in a relationship. I don't want to be in one right now. Saturday at lunch with Renata she explained since her break up with her high school boyfriend she has really enjoyed being alone. She used to notice herself crushing on someone and then trying everything in her power to "make him mine" but now she just notices the crush and lets it go. I'm going to try to do that. I think that's the healthiest thing for myself and for others until I work on my boundaries.
One other thing I learned yesterday was that it was all but fated for me to fall in love with my ex. I'm not a codependent though I exhibit codependent tendencies and my ex isn't a narcissist but he exhibits narcissistic tendencies (and my high school boyfriend is a full blown narcissist). I latched onto his charisma, his sexuality, his confidence. I, unassuming Ellen, felt high on pride in him and inflating his ego. I'm pretty darn impressive myself, but I would never take the same sort of pride in myself the same way I have in my significant others. I would feel validated by having someone so impressive love me. I'm impressive in my own right and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that-- in fact my exes and their rocket science like prowess would never consider me to be impressive. Narcissists and codependents get high off of each other. Of course they fall in love. They are equally broken and perfectly matched. I fought every urge to send podcast and youtube video links to my ex when I found this evidence. I can't control his healing. He's not part of my life any more. Boundaries keep the good in and the bad out, and right now he's not good for me. I don't know if he ever will be so long as I struggle with my boundaries. I can't think that I'm fixing myself to improve our chances of being better suited for each other, even though I consider that. I need to let him completely go, but I won't. I don't know how I can.
Saturday, January 6, 2018
Progress Report 1-7-18
I haven't blogged in a while.
I've been experiencing some set backs.
All the self improvement challenges are going to be delayed until I can get out of my head for a bit.
Break ups suck. You do fine for a while, then you find yourself mourning once more. But I will be okay. I know I will be okay. Because I feel okay right now. Effie and I are texting about a book club, Adam and I are planning our Walk the Moon Friend Date. I'm listening to Zepplin, life isn't that bad right now.
Life is a gift. Life is wonderful. I am so grateful for it and the people in it.
I wanted to write a play or a movie or something over break. I have one week left and I haven't started anything. But I have all semester. I'm looking forward to solitude. I started a lyric journal. I'm listening to a new song every day and writing down the best lyric from it in the journal. I get to do calligraphy to relax too.
After spending an hour on that I feel like I'm in a better place than I have been. My books have helped too. But there are still somethings I want to say.
Here's to us:
Here's to those long car rides to your grandma's, and the orchard, the clifty falls, and Saint Louis, and Six Flags. Here's to Indian food and steak n' shake. Here's to a year of love and happiness that will forever be in our hearts. Maybe one day you can stop feeling sorry for hurting me, and feel generous for the love you had given me. Move on, if you want. But don't forget.
Why did I write this? Why did I start this blog?
Because I don't have very many boundaries I suppose. I tried to be everything that he could have ever wanted so that he would never want to leave me. But he did. Potentially because I tried too hard. I wanted it to work too much. That's not healthy. What I get out of life is what I deserve and how I should learn. Right now I'm trying to be so damn compassionate and understanding because I want him to one day realize that no woman is like me, but I'm allowed to be angry.
I started this blog as an outlet for my feelings, so here they are:
I miss him. I miss him terribly. I hate how much I miss him and will miss him. I hate that I cried when I had to distance myself from his brother and from him. I hate that I deleted the pictures of us at our happiest on facebook, because we were happy. But by the end of the relationship we weren't happy. I was kind of miserable. I felt like a second priority even though I knew I was worthy of being a higher priority. Then I negotiated with myself to say that perhaps I prioritized him too highly. I think both are true, but I hate that I realized this outside of the relationship. Outside of the relationship I've had the space to realize something else.
We never watched my favorite T.V. shows! Never an episode of Glee, or that 70's show, or the Big Bang Theory. I watched the office, something I really don't like, because I wanted to be together more than it mattered what we were watching. But we never watched my favorite T.V. shows. We never listened to the songs I had stuck in my head, or when I had the opportunity to share music I picked songs I knew he already knew and liked. We never watched my shows or listened to my music not because it didn't mattered, but because I was avoidant. I couldn't ask for anything for myself. When I got the courage to ask to be treated better I didn't get what I want. In that way I'm like the lady in stair way to heaven, I'm so used to getting what I want because I expect people to care the way I do. I keep score. I'm not selfish, I'm manipulative and controlling and avoidant and compliant. I have so many issues with boundaries that it's no wonder I feel so completely alone all the time.
With time and prayer I hope to grow and reform and learn something about myself and my boundaries. I know this will help me. I can't wait until I meet future Ellen, and I hope you like her as much as I do.
And, ex-boyfriend, in case you think about me, and read this, I'm sorry too. I hate that you keep apologizing to me now, because apologies only heal anger, time heals hurt. Every time you apologize I feel that you are trying to absolve yourself of guilt in hurting me. But you did hurt me, and you should feel guilty. You can't apologize that away. And apologies can't change the way I react or feel about you. You know this. I know this. Yet I apologize anyways. I'm sorry for the way I tried to hold onto you. I'm sorry I couldn't respect your "no" and tried to convince you into "yes." I apologize because of the single self serving purpose: I want you to know I was out of line. This doesn't excuse my behavior but I want you to know I am aware of it. I am aware and responsible. And maybe I hope that future you and future Ellen will be able to be responsible to each other and for yourselves. But I recognize this hope sits here unrealized. This is an acknowledgement, but not a dispersal of that hope.
I believe I can recover without losing hope. I believe I can one day no longer think about him so frequently, but when I do be moved by loving memory and that he is doing well. I love him. And I always will. I don't believe that losing that feeling is necessary for healing. But only time will tell if love delays progress.
I've been experiencing some set backs.
All the self improvement challenges are going to be delayed until I can get out of my head for a bit.
Break ups suck. You do fine for a while, then you find yourself mourning once more. But I will be okay. I know I will be okay. Because I feel okay right now. Effie and I are texting about a book club, Adam and I are planning our Walk the Moon Friend Date. I'm listening to Zepplin, life isn't that bad right now.
Life is a gift. Life is wonderful. I am so grateful for it and the people in it.
I wanted to write a play or a movie or something over break. I have one week left and I haven't started anything. But I have all semester. I'm looking forward to solitude. I started a lyric journal. I'm listening to a new song every day and writing down the best lyric from it in the journal. I get to do calligraphy to relax too.
After spending an hour on that I feel like I'm in a better place than I have been. My books have helped too. But there are still somethings I want to say.
Here's to us:
Here's to those long car rides to your grandma's, and the orchard, the clifty falls, and Saint Louis, and Six Flags. Here's to Indian food and steak n' shake. Here's to a year of love and happiness that will forever be in our hearts. Maybe one day you can stop feeling sorry for hurting me, and feel generous for the love you had given me. Move on, if you want. But don't forget.
Why did I write this? Why did I start this blog?
Because I don't have very many boundaries I suppose. I tried to be everything that he could have ever wanted so that he would never want to leave me. But he did. Potentially because I tried too hard. I wanted it to work too much. That's not healthy. What I get out of life is what I deserve and how I should learn. Right now I'm trying to be so damn compassionate and understanding because I want him to one day realize that no woman is like me, but I'm allowed to be angry.
I started this blog as an outlet for my feelings, so here they are:
I miss him. I miss him terribly. I hate how much I miss him and will miss him. I hate that I cried when I had to distance myself from his brother and from him. I hate that I deleted the pictures of us at our happiest on facebook, because we were happy. But by the end of the relationship we weren't happy. I was kind of miserable. I felt like a second priority even though I knew I was worthy of being a higher priority. Then I negotiated with myself to say that perhaps I prioritized him too highly. I think both are true, but I hate that I realized this outside of the relationship. Outside of the relationship I've had the space to realize something else.
We never watched my favorite T.V. shows! Never an episode of Glee, or that 70's show, or the Big Bang Theory. I watched the office, something I really don't like, because I wanted to be together more than it mattered what we were watching. But we never watched my favorite T.V. shows. We never listened to the songs I had stuck in my head, or when I had the opportunity to share music I picked songs I knew he already knew and liked. We never watched my shows or listened to my music not because it didn't mattered, but because I was avoidant. I couldn't ask for anything for myself. When I got the courage to ask to be treated better I didn't get what I want. In that way I'm like the lady in stair way to heaven, I'm so used to getting what I want because I expect people to care the way I do. I keep score. I'm not selfish, I'm manipulative and controlling and avoidant and compliant. I have so many issues with boundaries that it's no wonder I feel so completely alone all the time.
With time and prayer I hope to grow and reform and learn something about myself and my boundaries. I know this will help me. I can't wait until I meet future Ellen, and I hope you like her as much as I do.
And, ex-boyfriend, in case you think about me, and read this, I'm sorry too. I hate that you keep apologizing to me now, because apologies only heal anger, time heals hurt. Every time you apologize I feel that you are trying to absolve yourself of guilt in hurting me. But you did hurt me, and you should feel guilty. You can't apologize that away. And apologies can't change the way I react or feel about you. You know this. I know this. Yet I apologize anyways. I'm sorry for the way I tried to hold onto you. I'm sorry I couldn't respect your "no" and tried to convince you into "yes." I apologize because of the single self serving purpose: I want you to know I was out of line. This doesn't excuse my behavior but I want you to know I am aware of it. I am aware and responsible. And maybe I hope that future you and future Ellen will be able to be responsible to each other and for yourselves. But I recognize this hope sits here unrealized. This is an acknowledgement, but not a dispersal of that hope.
I believe I can recover without losing hope. I believe I can one day no longer think about him so frequently, but when I do be moved by loving memory and that he is doing well. I love him. And I always will. I don't believe that losing that feeling is necessary for healing. But only time will tell if love delays progress.
Tuesday, January 2, 2018
Progress Report 1-1-18
"So this is the New Year, and I have no resolutions for self assigned penance or problems with easy solutions." I have found that on my own. I am healing and I suppose the only thing I want to carry with me into the new year is to continue to be in touch with myself.
I didn't have to do any of my disciplines today to feel okay. I just did. I'm happy.
I made over $100 today serving! I "popped my cherry" they told me. I laughed. I have now paid off my Walk the Moon ticket in one day. That's crazy!
I had a customer flirt with me. It was nice. Usually that makes me really uncomfortable, but he was goofy and sweet. His name was Matt, and he was dining with a gentleman who had some sort of ASC (autism spectrum condition). They were really nice and tipped me quite generously. There are so many good people in the world. I have hope and faith and I do feel differently this year. Things are changing for the better for me. I feel more confident and not just as a facade, but I have internal confidence that is beginning to shine through to others and I'm excited for the future!
Day 13 in my book focuses on creativity. I wrote some poetry this morning. I started a poetry anthology, sort of like a concept album, to help me heal last Christmas, so these poems are about those emotions, not the ones I'm feeling right now. To use hurt and harness it as a creative force is amazing.
Self Love: Take a Selfie, just as you are, and find one thing to love about it.
Know Yourself Better: Proudest accomplishment
Happy New Year. Here's to healing and creativity!
I didn't have to do any of my disciplines today to feel okay. I just did. I'm happy.
I made over $100 today serving! I "popped my cherry" they told me. I laughed. I have now paid off my Walk the Moon ticket in one day. That's crazy!
 |
I love my full lips
the curve of my chest
the shape of my eyebrows
and the wave of my hair
in this picture
|
Day 13 in my book focuses on creativity. I wrote some poetry this morning. I started a poetry anthology, sort of like a concept album, to help me heal last Christmas, so these poems are about those emotions, not the ones I'm feeling right now. To use hurt and harness it as a creative force is amazing.
Self Love: Take a Selfie, just as you are, and find one thing to love about it.
Know Yourself Better: Proudest accomplishment
My academic scholarship and research fellowship at ButlerSelf Aware: How do I handle being misperceived or misunderstood
Not well. I become belligerent. I cannot stand being misrepresented. I must always ensure my intents are not misconstrued. I want people to understand where I come from and that I am a good and caring person. Though the reaction I have typically does not help that goal.Know Thyself: What qualities do you admire in others?
Temperance and Self Control. Flexibility.Gratitude: Write about a writing tool
Outlines are my favorite writing tool. Structure is my best friend, however I used to abhor outlines my freshman year. PBL stands for problem based learning. It structures your research such that you have questions that you'd like to answer in your expository writing. I use this constantly now. I always ask questions and then find evidence to create a wholistic representation of the answer. My freshman English teacher was not especially good at her job, in fact she once held me after class to explain the questions I asked made her job more difficult. I was resentful and begrudging and did not truly embrace outline format until college, now however, I would never write a paper without it!
Happy New Year. Here's to healing and creativity!
Progress Report 12-31-17
In times of quiet I am at peace. Working a double shift today at Applebees was frantic and chaotic but I didn't do half bad for myself. I made some money, had a few laughs. I came home and puzzled with Pam and sang in the shower at midnight. Peace is a state of examining yourself and feeling content with what you've found.
I have anxiety. This is no secret. But for someone who doesn't understand the struggle of chaotic worries floating through your mind, peace may be fairly common. Peace is rare for me and I pray for it daily. When I talk to my ex I become anxious because I can tell neither one of us is entirely comfortable or assured in our actions. The anxiety comes from the uncertainty associated with his feelings. It was always difficult for him to talk about them with me, perhaps because there are feelings he hasn't sorted out yet. It is very difficult for me to understand what has changed between us and how different the relationship will be in the future. We began addressing boundaries, assuming things are definitively over. Building those boundaries is reassuring. Boundaries keep things that make us feel good close to us and things that make us feel badly away from us. They are not walls, but fences. My understanding of boundaries allows me to find peace more easily with my actions.
The Bible tells us to be responsible to each other and for ourselves. I rarely hold someone accountable for himself because of my responsibility to forgive and support that person. This isn't healthy. I take responsibility for my actions. I own them. I own my choices. I am secure in my convictions. I know what I want. Peace comes from this assurance and security.
But the what ifs that pop up stir up anxieties. Does he miss me? Does he still love me? Does he still want to try again too? Will things be different? Does he never what to talk to me again?
It is not my job to worry about him or his healing process. It is more important that I speak to myself and build the emotional boundary in my mind to say, I respect his choices and his decisions and he must be responsible for them, not I. I hope he has found peace or I hope he does.
Day Twelve:
Self Love: What things make you happy to be alive?
Music, food, friendship, cold (negative ten degree) air on my face, my cat's fur between my fingers, my butler pullover leggings socks and hat, hot showers.Know Yourself Better: If I wasn't afraid I would...
Trust GodSelf Aware: How do I deal with rejection
Poorly. I become hurt and angry. I think I am first angry because rejection invalidates my worth. Then I am angry because I have forgotten my worth. And finally I am angry because who ever rejected me did not see that worth. Knowing this about myself has shown me that I can skip the anger and hurt and remember my worth and move on. It is a loss for another but not for me. The stakes are low if I remember to love myself more than an ideal.Know Thyself: Who would you like to connect/ reconnect with, why?
Esther. I miss her a lot. She was the backbone of my healing last year and without her I've had to face a lot by myself. I am stronger because of it, but I miss my best friend, and all of the love, support, and grace she shows me when I need it most. I'm going to send her a letter to South Jordan. I will give her more time and attention this semester.Gratitude: Write about a person who makes you laugh
My sister has the best one liners I've ever heard. She makes off handed comments that become memes in our family that will be mentioned at holiday gatherings and around the dinner table. I am blessed that she is in my life and we have become so close as we have gotten older. I know not all siblings are as good friends as she and I, and we were not either. When my depression and her self harm cooccurred we were extraordinarily distant. My greatest fear is that something bad should happen to her and I have no energy to prevent it because of that time. However, when times are good she truly makes me laugh. I tried to teach her a card game over the summer and she snapped "there's no learning on Saturdays." This is one of my fondest quotes from her and I still chuckle.
Progress Report 12-30-17
Reconnection is the healing goal of the day. The book suggested I reestablish contact with ten people with whom I've fallen out of touch. I felt a little silly making a list of people I needed to reconnect with in my life but I realized throughout different periods of my growth and development there have been several relationships that made me feel so full.
I texted my childhood best friend Zoe, and friend I made at a church camp who I used to text with and have phone calls with frequently. After I started writing to them I realized how cathartic and healing it is to tell someone, "I did wrong to you and our relationship, I'm sorry, and I want to start again. I didn't value you enough and the relationship eroded but I'm willing to put in the work this time." It takes two people to separate, Tyler, my friend from church camp, reminded me. Still, I am optimistic that when two people still care deeply for one another, they can make the time to reconnect and share something beautiful between the two of them.
I didn't expect this idea to remind me of my ex. But it did. In the best way. I love him. I want to reconnect. Perhaps, a relationship wasn't right, but friendship is possible and I feel very comfortable with that.
I didn't expect this idea to remind me of my ex. But it did. In the best way. I love him. I want to reconnect. Perhaps, a relationship wasn't right, but friendship is possible and I feel very comfortable with that.
Day Eleven:
Self Love: How would you lovingly describe yourself to a stranger?
I would say I'm generally kind, considerate, patient, and forgiving. I have strong convictions and a loving heart. I want justice in the world and for the people who inhabit it. I am curious. I am silly, and I am joyful.Know Yourself Better: What or whom gives me comfort?
Oreo, my electric blanket, Megan (my teddy bear), Hot Chocolate, my houseSelf Aware: How do I respond to situations that force me to get out of my comfort zone?
I tell myself it's good to get out of my comfort zone and that it's okay to be scared at first.Know Thyself: If life stopped today what would you regret not doing?
Telling my ex I would like to try again. That is today's revelation, and no matter how he responds I would want him to know that I love him no matter what.Gratitude: Write about a person you can call
Having just gotten off the phone with Tyler I want to write about him. We met the summer after my freshman year, when I had first started seeing Ben. We had been dating seven months and the romance had started to fade. I saw Tyler, and he looked very similar to Ben who I was missing a lot at the time. I decided to take particular interest in him and make excuses to talk to him whenever possible. At the end of the week we exchanged phone numbers and texted occasionally. Throughout my sophomore year we called and texted a lot as we both experienced problems in our relationship, in our faith, and tried to be more mindful. Tonight he told me that in the last six months he and his current girlfriend experienced very similar struggles as my ex and I. He explained that dating her was like dancing with a girl who was wearing heels, and a very bad dancer. She didn't mean to crush his feet every second, and so he forgave her. When he finally asked her to take the bloody heels off she refused because of her vanity and self interest. He said that there are plenty of people on the dance floor, some better dancers, and some people not even wearing heels. He didn't have to keep the same partner no matter how much he loved her. They decided to take a break, but fought constantly and are now broken up. I am thankful for the time of self reflection my ex has given me by respecting my boundaries and abstaining from contacting me but now reflecting on our experience, the joys of reconnection, and what my needs are I expect to be a better self advocate if we tried again. I am thankful for Tyler and his late night phone calls because they always let me know that God is watching out for me and friends are not merely stars, but shooting stars, they come in and out of orbit and burn brightly.
Monday, January 1, 2018
Progress Report 12-29-17
Today I am faced with a challenge. A universally understood challenge, I would wager. Today I was asked to define myself. What makes me human? What is most important about me? Who am I. I say I know very well. I know I am a woman. I am a Christian. I am from Illinois. I am a tour guide. I am a psychology major. I am single.
I know a lot about myself. But what is the most important thing? Perhaps, knowing that I, no matter how concretely I picture my identifying traits, am a work in progress.
Today I choose to acknowledge that the person I am today is different from the person I was yesterday and the person I will be tomorrow. My characteristics and goals are the same, but my attitudes and feelings are in constant flux. Today I like myself a lot. I acknowledge the advantages and disadvantages associated with my strong (and stubborn) convictions. I am honest with myself.
I'm very happy with the challenges I have been working on for the last ten days. I'd like to reevaluate which ones have been working for me however: I have not completed the happiness challenge nor the self care challenge very faithfully. I truly enjoy the contemplative platforms associated with my other challenges much better than adding another chore. These introspective tasks rejuvenate, reinvigorate and restore me.
Tonight was my first official night on the floor. I found strength because of the increased self awareness I've acquired. Here's to ten days of improvement and proactivity (which is technically reactivity to a break up, but the break up was not so much an end as a beginning)!
Day Ten of
Self Love: How can you set better boundaries in your life?
I am solid. I am good. I have purpose. I know who I am. Do you know who you are?
I know a lot about myself. But what is the most important thing? Perhaps, knowing that I, no matter how concretely I picture my identifying traits, am a work in progress.
Today I choose to acknowledge that the person I am today is different from the person I was yesterday and the person I will be tomorrow. My characteristics and goals are the same, but my attitudes and feelings are in constant flux. Today I like myself a lot. I acknowledge the advantages and disadvantages associated with my strong (and stubborn) convictions. I am honest with myself.
I'm very happy with the challenges I have been working on for the last ten days. I'd like to reevaluate which ones have been working for me however: I have not completed the happiness challenge nor the self care challenge very faithfully. I truly enjoy the contemplative platforms associated with my other challenges much better than adding another chore. These introspective tasks rejuvenate, reinvigorate and restore me.
Tonight was my first official night on the floor. I found strength because of the increased self awareness I've acquired. Here's to ten days of improvement and proactivity (which is technically reactivity to a break up, but the break up was not so much an end as a beginning)!
Day Ten of
Self Love: How can you set better boundaries in your life?
Get in touch with personal needs. Create consequences for when those personal needs are infringed upon. Ask yourself why some things are okay and some things are not okay. Honor those honest feelings and judge them appropriately.
Today, I had to consider appropriate boundaries with my ex. I had to ask myself if I would be comfortable going to a concert with him, even with another friend. This band is very special to me, because of its significance in my past relationship. When I listen to their music I think of him and so I fear that seeing them live, with him, may stir up some unresolved feelings. I am trying to resolve things as best I can personally. The relationship is over. This declaration in itself is an example of a boundary I have set emotionally. The consequence associated with the behaviors exhibited by my ex, and the feelings which manifested in myself are that the relationship is terminated, at least until true change is motivated.Know Yourself Better: Where do I feel safest?
Whenever I'm with my momSelf Aware: How do I deal with stressful situations? Do I tend to worry a lot? What else do I do?
I try to alleviate my stress the best way I canKnow Thyself: What are you most afraid of?
Burn outGratitude: Write about a person with whom you spent time today
Today I spent time with myself. I allowed myself to be alone, but not vacant. I am thankful for times of quiet, even if they are not of peace. I am thankful for challenge. I am thankful for growth. I am thankful to be comfortable with myself and that is truly the purpose of today's healing and reflection.
I am solid. I am good. I have purpose. I know who I am. Do you know who you are?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)