I don't know why every time I see him I have the air knocked out of my lungs. He's the thing I am most completely afraid of. I feel like any progress I make in respect to healing is negated in the instant I see him in the doorway of the cafeteria. Like a kickball rocketing into your stomach and the characteristic recoil which follows you clutch your gut for dear life and desperation that maybe the pain will lead to something triumphant, like a final out, or an eventual moving on. I ran away tonight, even though I had felt really good all day.
I had a really great day at church! The Church downtown is super progressive, led by a Lesbian woman who talked about #metoo, fair trade, child development and genetic research among all sorts of other scientific things in her sermon. I felt like I was in a lecture and learning something. The music was moving, I cried. I felt comfortable. It was so nice to sit with Karen and learn about the people in her community. I felt welcome. I did have to act a little more extraverted than normal, pretend that I didn't mind standing in a crowded coffee and donut hole reception party and make small talk. That's the worst part of going to church, that I am not an extravert and I worship independently and privately for the most part.
I got lunch with Emily after church and we finally went to taste of Havana! The sandwiches are so good. I had meant to eat there on a date with my ex once, but we didn't stay because it was more of a lunch place than a dinner one. She and I talked about life and love and I felt really happy. We will hopefully be spending more time together this semester. I'm really hoping to strengthen many more of my present friendships.
After lunch I dyed my hair today in practice for Walk the Moon! The tiger stripes look amazing! I'm so pleased! They will wash out by Friday so I can apply some fresh stripes before the concert but it feels so real and I'm so excited! Andrew and I talked today. It is his ex's birthday and he made her such a considerate gift. Granted, they broke up 6 months ago so it's ok to do that sort of thing, but I'm wondering about the etiquette for ex's birthdays considering my no contact period extends until the day before my ex's birthday this year. I want to let him know I'm thinking about him, but I don't want to ruin his day. I need to find out if it's ok or if I should just silently recognize it and move on. I took him out for his birthday last year. It was really wonderful, but I didn't want for him to remember his birthday as the night his ex took him out... maybe he will. I'm not going to interfere with twenty. It's a big year. Hell! This year it's my golden birthday and nothing's going to stop me from kicking ass for it!! I've basically been looking forward to it my entire life!!
Austin texted me today too. That made me smile, because, after Friday night when I talked to Nick about my date with him, I've been thinking more seriously about whether or not there is potential with it. Again, I know I can't date right now, but by spring break I might be ready. And Nick likes him, Keely likes him, Keisha likes him, Adam likes him. What's not to like? The fact he's not my ex... but whatever... I'll move beyond that in time.
Then I had dinner with Nick, which was nice. I was sorry to hear that his date didn't go that well, however, it was nice to hear him talk optimistically about future romance. It's a good reminder to roll with the punches and not to focus on someone who is not interested in you. It's not about making the object of your desires desire you, but rather to move on. I really value him in my life and when I'm with him I feel comfortable and confident. He's a really really special friend! However, the ex dilemma. At dinner I saw him, and I ran back to my dorm as fast as I could, jumped under the weighted blanket and slept away all my fears. I don't know what's so scary about him, it's not really him. Just seeing him with all of his friends and feeling so completely alone. So stranded. He has a loyal support system, and I, have a few moderately close friends who will one day tire of my drama and conflict. But the boundaries book is helping and I'm doing a lot better. Seriously. I am!
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