Last day at Applebee's. Last appointment with Shayla before I go back.
I am thinking more clearly now, I think. I hope. The Death Cab for Cutie that I'm blaring in the living room isn't helping. The Transatlanticism album is so good. When I first listened to it in March I read through all the lyrics and laid in bed with the music pounding in my headphones and let it wash over me. I'm doing that again right now. That's why I'm writing. I felt compelled to motion, to action.
I downloaded Tinder yesterday, and when I saw RJ the other day he generously set me up with a friend of his Jared, for a date on Saturday. I'm scared out of my mind. I've never wanted to be the girl from tiny vessels. I never liked the idea that idea you can superficially connect with someone. But that's how things began with my ex, he said he was interested because I was attractive. I suppose, that's how everything starts in one way or another. It is disappointing. I know I want to be by myself right now, so why am I going out on a date? Why am I on a dating app?
It's not to distract myself. I don't believe in that. I think I have to do the hard work one way or another. To practice on people is cruel. I did that with Ben last fall. It sucked for him, and for me. I know I don't like casual dating. I don't need the validation of dating. I'm aware that that might have been a motivation in the past, but not now. In truth, why am I dating? I'm just looking for someone to connect to and I think this is just a part of moving on. I was dumped a month ago. I'm visualizing in my planner every day I don't speak to my ex and I think talking to close friends, Effie, Erin, Rowan, Keely and my friends at home has helped with that. I really shouldn't be dating. I've considered texting a few guys from work who I really like spending time with, but I work with them. Tinder is low stakes, what can go wrong? No one gets hurt or embarrassed. You don't know the people on there and they don't know you, unless you let them.
I said once that my deepest desire, if I wasn't scared of something, would be to love uninhibited without fear of being hurt. At dinner last night the family discussed a few questions that Grace purchased for Pam at Christmas. One of them was, "Would you rather lose every time or never play." Even knowing I will lose, I still want to play.
Love isn't a game though. I don't like all of the ways people solicit love and happiness as a technique or a strategy. Timing is everything. The timing was off in my last relationship. And maybe, I'm dating to bide my time, a little bit. Maybe eventually, with time, things can be different. I'm hopeful, but I'm dating. I'm moving on. I'm not dating out of spite or anger or jealousy, I'm dating because, I'm okay. And I want to be better than okay. I want to love and be loved. And I deserve that. I don't think I'm ready to trust or love someone other than Jesus so soon. I don't know what I'm doing. Transatlanticism ended so I can't even blame the album for wrecking my focus.
I'm doing better. I'm not going to talk to him for a while, and that's hard, but important. Maybe eventually I won't miss talking to him. That's the beauty of not being friends. It's like the last year didn't happen. I can't move backward, I can only move forward. I'm done standing still.
Shayla and I worked on something really important today. We identified my pattern of over giving and my weakest boundary. Remember how I described that everyone has a load to carry and everyone has a burden we must help them with. I think that when someone divulges their burden I assume too much responsibility in helping them with it because if I were to share my burden with someone, it would be a cry for help since I am not capable of doing anymore than I can. When Andrew disclosed his health struggles this summer I tried to figure out all the ways I could help him with such a heavy burden, but when the phone calls cut into my sleep, and into my visits with my ex, that excessive and not healthy. At that point I was not helping him with a burden, but with a daily load of living with his fears and anxieties. That wasn't my responsibility. Similarly when Effie disclosed her academic struggles with me last spring I tried to help her carry her burden by lightening her load and waking her up for class and making sure she did her homework and things. Those are supposed to be her responsibility. Lightening someone's load and supporting their burdens are SO different. Even though I think lightening the load shows support and assistance in managing the burden, ultimately it doesn't and it burns me out. Caring for the people I love so extremely then becomes a burden for me, as my family knows well. Finally, we have the scenario with my ex. I tried to lighten his load by helping with his papers and projects and all sorts of deadlines and organization. It wasn't that I didn't trust him or Effie or Andrew to handle their loads on their own, I just misunderstood their needs and thought they were asking for more from me than they were.
The narrative Shayla suggested for me the next time I become close with someone is:
Because you shared this vulnerability with me it feels like my responsibility however, I recognize the only responsibility I have to you is to love you.
I have to change how I offer love and support in a more moderate way, however, I am ready to make this healthy and proactive change.
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