"I needed some distance from you because I needed to leave some emotional baggage [behind], and you knew me better than anyone else. I didn't want to face certain truths about myself. But at a certain point, I recognized that you had developed into a different person, and I had developed into a different person, and all of a sudden, it hit me that I really missed you and I wanted to be vulnerable with you again."Last summer I was so hurt that Elissa and I didn't speak until the last week. But I also stopped caring so much about trying to make things work with her. I was so completely irritated when she asked to drive around with me that August night before school started, but also relieved. I could tell she felt guilty that I had been a patient, caring, and loyal friend, even when she gave me the cold shoulder. But I also had learned to put less stock in someone who was not available in my life. I wonder about what position my ex will occupy in my life.
Last night, when I was out with Maria and Jessica, Maria said she reached out to her high school boyfriend and he told her it wasn't a good idea to get that started back up again between them, and she agreed. She was ready for something new, and her memories and old life were stifling her. I think my ex has done a good job of showing me we both need something new. But everywhere I see him and I think about him. I poured myself apple juice into a large purple cup today and thought about how he drank Dr. Pepper from it on hot summer afternoons in my basement. He'd bring the entire bottle down and fill the cup to the brim again and again.
I think he's scared to be my friend because he associates me with emotional baggage he's not ready to unpack. I think he recognized that I knew him better than anyone else ever had. I want for him to grow and be different. I want the world for him. And I want, one day, for him to really miss me and want to be vulnerable with me again. As we both grow and change, we will always have an undeniable history. We may be different people one day, and I'm working towards that growth every day. And I'll be waiting, and ready to reintroduce myself to him.
Jessica was a mess last night after the party. --Aside: I think it's so interesting that Jessica, Maria, and Elissa, some of my oldest friends, have all been able to help me this week cope with the fresh pains of losing one of my best friends for what may be forever.-- She was drunk and very anxious about what might happen if she and her boyfriend Jack were to break up since he has expressed that he doesn't maintain contact with any of his exes. I broke down and cried with her in the car. I told her, "Yeah it is shitty to lose your best friend and be nothing to them. Yeah it is shitty to think so incredibly highly of someone and to have hoped you'd always share a special connection and to know that there is nothing connecting you, you are just two souls floating in different universes." I was a mess too I guess. The thing was though, in order to comfort her after my outburst I said, "but I have amazing friends who take me to a cappella parties that are Shrek and meme themed when I feel sad. And I have amazing friends who will finger paint and sing Dear Evan Hansen music with me and cuddle underneath my electric and weighted blankets with me. I have amazing friends that are helping me get through all of the heart ache that I feel. And even though every day is a battle. I'm getting through it. My world didn't end when that relationship did. I'm getting through it. And you can too."
I am getting through this. Every day it hurts a little less. I almost texted him tonight to let him know, whenever he felt like he missed me, he shouldn't be scared to drop me a line. But I didn't. Because I'm not ready for that yet either. I need to stop putting stock and emotional support into someone who is emotionally unavailable to me. I don't need to make him feel guilty about his ambivalence while I still care. I choose to care. I don't have to. I could save myself a lot of strife. But I love myself more than I love him. And that's the biggest, most important take away from the entire break up. It's not a question of whether or not I'll love someone else more someday, it's whether or not I love myself more today. And today I do.
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