Today I earned the highest compliment I could ever possibly be awarded. I don't remember what I was doing before I turned around and saw Matt eating his stuffed rigatoni at table 81, but he just smiled at me and said, "Ellen, I think you're the happiest person I've ever met." I didn't stop smiling the rest of my shift. What he said really resonated with me because I've tried for so long to see the bright side in life. This year that's been especially hard.
Last year, and I probably do have a post written on December 30th, I was stumbling towards happiness by rebuilding a network of people in my life I wanted to reconnect with. I think one of the greatest healing moments in the last year, however, has been that I have learned how to find new people in my life to care about and rely on. I really am happy in life. I know how to be assertive, I know how to be considerate, I know how to be fair. I ask questions and I listen. I even, and I am shocked to say this, learning how to trust in a way I never used to.
My courses in Elementary Education, and student teaching in a kindergarten classroom showed me that children do not need to be taken care of. Children are curious and learning must be supported appropriately. Just a few days ago we were talking about the difference between taking care of someone and supporting them during a family discussion. My mom explained that "taking care of someone denies them agency. When we think we have to take care of someone we perceive them to be incapable of taking action. Supporting someone is healthier, this is how we show someone we believe they can take action if we help them in little ways." This goes back to the description of the load and the burden that I learned about in my Boundaries book (this is still one of the best purchases I've ever made) so as to say we do not have to carry anyone's burden only the load. Whenever people I care about suffer I slip back into trying to carry their burdens, especially as my family goes through more and more hardships. But I think I do this because I do not trust that they're strong enough to handle things on their own. I doubt them. I deny them agency. And when I do that, I create unhealthy patterns of dependence. This year, between the education classes and personal soul searching and self-improvement kicks I've retrained my brain to trust in the inherent abilities the people I care about possess.
I've also learned to trust God a lot more. I'm eagerly anticipating my baptism into the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints in the coming year because I know this is the right choice for me. This evening, my dad reflected that without a spiritual center you cannot hope to be balanced and I think that's true. I think people can be spiritual without being religious; and they can be religious without being spiritual. I don't think I ever lost faith, but I forgot its importance in my life for a time. And now, with sincerity and clarity I know God has a plan and I know following his commandments will bring me both joy and blessings in the latter days.
So am I happy yet? Definitely.
Saturday, December 29, 2018
Friday, June 22, 2018
Prologue
I watched Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist tonight.
Nick made all of these mix-CDs for his ex-girlfriend who broke his heart. Norah listened to them when Triss (the ex) didn't even give them a second glance. Triss believed that Nick's devotion to her was pathetic, but Norah was quietly falling in love with the songs and what they said about Nick. Every song has a story, and a meaning and even though Triss didn't understand what Nick was trying to say, Norah did and they connected.
Sometimes I think about who's out there reading this blog. Sometimes I wonder who reads what I have to say, and who feels connected to me.
I don't want to write progress reports anymore about what it means to be happy. Honestly, I don't want to write progress reports anymore because I know nobody cares about how I'm doing or how I'm feeling any more. It's been six months and everyone has moved on, there are bigger problems in people's lives and the world. I feel like if I frame my life in terms of progress I've made in being single or finding happiness in being single then I hold myself back from actually making progress.
I've been single for six months, it's now how I think of myself. Ellen is a happily single person.
Ellen is so much more than that though. Identity is something that you define for yourself. I'm so tired of Ellen existing in relation to other people. I love being a sister, and a daughter, and a friend, even a best friend. But I lived to be a girlfriend. I lived to be loved by someone. These days I live to love myself. If I'm unhappy with something about myself, I work and change and fix my mindset if necessary. It's true, that's a lot of wonderful progress and self awareness, but there's greater truth out there.
I know who I am now, and I want to share that. I want to be connected to people who are similar and different. I want to rebrand, as Schmidt on New Girl might say. I want something more. I want to put more out into the world. I want you to know who I am.
Nick made all of these mix-CDs for his ex-girlfriend who broke his heart. Norah listened to them when Triss (the ex) didn't even give them a second glance. Triss believed that Nick's devotion to her was pathetic, but Norah was quietly falling in love with the songs and what they said about Nick. Every song has a story, and a meaning and even though Triss didn't understand what Nick was trying to say, Norah did and they connected.
Sometimes I think about who's out there reading this blog. Sometimes I wonder who reads what I have to say, and who feels connected to me.
I don't want to write progress reports anymore about what it means to be happy. Honestly, I don't want to write progress reports anymore because I know nobody cares about how I'm doing or how I'm feeling any more. It's been six months and everyone has moved on, there are bigger problems in people's lives and the world. I feel like if I frame my life in terms of progress I've made in being single or finding happiness in being single then I hold myself back from actually making progress.
I've been single for six months, it's now how I think of myself. Ellen is a happily single person.
Ellen is so much more than that though. Identity is something that you define for yourself. I'm so tired of Ellen existing in relation to other people. I love being a sister, and a daughter, and a friend, even a best friend. But I lived to be a girlfriend. I lived to be loved by someone. These days I live to love myself. If I'm unhappy with something about myself, I work and change and fix my mindset if necessary. It's true, that's a lot of wonderful progress and self awareness, but there's greater truth out there.
I know who I am now, and I want to share that. I want to be connected to people who are similar and different. I want to rebrand, as Schmidt on New Girl might say. I want something more. I want to put more out into the world. I want you to know who I am.
Thursday, June 14, 2018
Progress Report 6-14-18
In the immortal words of Hayley Williams, "Hard Times make you wonder why you even try."
With Grandma in the hospital, and Oreo's surgery it has been hard to stay focussed on school work or stay positive. I'm constantly battling with fits of anxiety over how to be more helpful. I think we decided that I'm going to have to leave Applebees and care for Grandma when she's discharged. I was really looking forward to working at Applebees again, but what's making me most anxious is having to go in and tell my bosses that I won't be able to work for another three weeks. At that point I'll have hardly been there this summer. I'd only have five weeks left of summer or something. That's how long they had me for over winter break though. But in five weeks I won't work hardly as often, I'm taking time off to work on my personal goals like finishing all of the books I've purchased about learning and cognition! Or cooking! Or mastering the piano. I'm getting better at piano every day! I'm really proud of myself!
I had to cancel my trip to see Jenna though because of Grandma's accident. And I will likely also have to postpone my trip to see Effie. July is going to get busy fast. I'm not sure I'll be able to make it back to Indy to see Halsey anymore. And honestly, I don't know if I'll make enough money to finance all the concerts I'll be intending to go to anyways. Grace and I debated the other day which would be more rewarding: Money to finance all the concerts you could ever possibly want to go to, or Money to travel Europe. She says Europe, but I'm feeling concerts more and more. Concerts are like Rollercoasters for me. They're supposed to make you scared, but then you get so high on the release of that fear and satisfaction from the release.
Young the Giant is coming to Indy in October, and I swear, Wild Horses couldn't stop me from going. Their new single Simplify was released today and it made me so happy.
There's such good music this summer between Give Yourself a Try by the 1975, and Simplify by YTG and so much more. I've recently been listening to more singer-songwriters like Ron Pope and Katy McAllister. Indie rock will always have my heart, especially with such cutting and clever lyrics, but the singer-songwriter/folk genre gets me in my feels.
And obviously, so does Broadway. The Tony's on Sunday were great. I am SO happy that Once on This Island won best revival of a musical. That show has always meant so much to me and I'm so grateful for it. The cast in this revival is also incredible. I think I prefer their soundtrack to the West End one that I grew up on. This was a great year for revivals though, I think the revivals were better than the original shows anyway. Spongebob, Mean Girls, and Frozen are all crowd pleaser theatre. The Band's Visit though, wow. That's beautiful. Such art. But by far Once on this Island had my heart.
I'm seeing Rent tonight. I'm desperate for a good memory. The last time I watched it was on my first date with my ex, a year and a half a go! That was a great night, a great memory, but even the greatest and happiest moments must be subdued. I can't hold up that night like a prism to the sun and see rainbows anymore. I can't look at it through rose-colored glasses and think, after that night my life changed for the better. Now it's just a memory seen by my plain eyes as a time I watched a movie at Jordan hall. I really want to experience theatre. When I saw the Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime on Tuesday with Matt I was experiencing theatre to its full extent.
That play was so incredibly beautiful. In order to fill you with the anxiety and fear an individual with high functioning autism has the team built this frighting soundscape which increased in volume and rhythmic speed so you could feel your blood pressure rise and your heart beat quickly. The lights flashed and spiraled and the actors jumped and twisted and danced around the stage to simulate moving through tunnels and time. The way Christopher, the main character, copes with anxiety is astonishing. Sometimes I feel like him. Sometimes I want to curl up on the floor and extend my arms over my head as if I'm bowing in worship to an Egyptian God. Sometimes I feel as though my body quivers and shakes and I shriek and howl and hit and gnash my teeth and cry. But I rarely do that anymore. Luckily I don't think anyone but my family has seen me react that way before. But sometimes I am Christopher. Sometimes I lack all reason, I just don't feel safe. That's why that book means so much to me. That's why that play means so much to me. That's why every time I pass the Indianapolis Reparatory Theatre I think of the time I almost got to go, and my ex decided to go shopping and we missed it. I think he would have been mesmerized by it. I think he could have understood me better if we had seen it. It's so hard to help you get inside of someone's head to experience their thoughts and emotions, but this play does everything right. Its staging, sound design, and script. Going with my dad made it all the more special though and when you experience something with someone you love it recolors your memory. It isn't so bad that I couldn't go with my ex, because I got to go with my dad, and suddenly it wasn't about him understanding me, it was about us mutually understanding each other.
With father's day around the corner I just want to say, "I love my dad" my dad is awesome. But we've always had a very strained relationship because we simply have never been able to communicate well or understand each other. Since I've gotten older it's gotten better, and now that he's in counseling we're really trying and working hard. He's going to come see the show tonight with me. I don't know if he's ever seen Rent, but I think it'll speak to him. It's a show that has a way of capturing your heart and soul. And, my dad lived in New York at this time. He was a mother f*ing bohemian. He was basically Collins. What a hippie! And then he moved to Flagstaff Arizona, so not exactly Santa Fe, but close! Matt is getting old, he'll be 66 in December and there is a lifetime of stories that I don't know. I hope to learn more while I can.
That's another reason why I think living with my grandma will be nice. I'll get to learn about her, her stories, what she lived through, and who she is. Pam says because of her brain injury she'll probably be irritable and grouchy all the time, and I joked "but I live with Grace so it's okay." Grandma might not really want to share or talk or visit. She's in a lot of pain, but, I'm hopeful.
And so to conclude, I'm finding happiness in my hopes. I'm discovering ways in which lemons can be lemonade or, as a friend once put it, "sweet lemon meringue pie." And hell, I'm happy with just lemons, they're my favorite flavor on the planet! I love sharing that piece of information with new people, on every first date. That's my calling card. That's how people will remember me, I'm the girl who LOVES lemons. If there's one thing that I want my ex to never forget, it's the way I ate the lemon wedges that came with my water (no ice). That's one of the little things you learn about someone that endears them to you. I know it's ridiculous to hope and hold onto something like that, that in time will disappear like every other memory we made, but I can hope, and hope brings me peace which helps me combat "Hard Times" which make me wonder "why I even try." I try because I'm hopeful.
With Grandma in the hospital, and Oreo's surgery it has been hard to stay focussed on school work or stay positive. I'm constantly battling with fits of anxiety over how to be more helpful. I think we decided that I'm going to have to leave Applebees and care for Grandma when she's discharged. I was really looking forward to working at Applebees again, but what's making me most anxious is having to go in and tell my bosses that I won't be able to work for another three weeks. At that point I'll have hardly been there this summer. I'd only have five weeks left of summer or something. That's how long they had me for over winter break though. But in five weeks I won't work hardly as often, I'm taking time off to work on my personal goals like finishing all of the books I've purchased about learning and cognition! Or cooking! Or mastering the piano. I'm getting better at piano every day! I'm really proud of myself!
I had to cancel my trip to see Jenna though because of Grandma's accident. And I will likely also have to postpone my trip to see Effie. July is going to get busy fast. I'm not sure I'll be able to make it back to Indy to see Halsey anymore. And honestly, I don't know if I'll make enough money to finance all the concerts I'll be intending to go to anyways. Grace and I debated the other day which would be more rewarding: Money to finance all the concerts you could ever possibly want to go to, or Money to travel Europe. She says Europe, but I'm feeling concerts more and more. Concerts are like Rollercoasters for me. They're supposed to make you scared, but then you get so high on the release of that fear and satisfaction from the release.
Young the Giant is coming to Indy in October, and I swear, Wild Horses couldn't stop me from going. Their new single Simplify was released today and it made me so happy.
There's such good music this summer between Give Yourself a Try by the 1975, and Simplify by YTG and so much more. I've recently been listening to more singer-songwriters like Ron Pope and Katy McAllister. Indie rock will always have my heart, especially with such cutting and clever lyrics, but the singer-songwriter/folk genre gets me in my feels.
And obviously, so does Broadway. The Tony's on Sunday were great. I am SO happy that Once on This Island won best revival of a musical. That show has always meant so much to me and I'm so grateful for it. The cast in this revival is also incredible. I think I prefer their soundtrack to the West End one that I grew up on. This was a great year for revivals though, I think the revivals were better than the original shows anyway. Spongebob, Mean Girls, and Frozen are all crowd pleaser theatre. The Band's Visit though, wow. That's beautiful. Such art. But by far Once on this Island had my heart.
I'm seeing Rent tonight. I'm desperate for a good memory. The last time I watched it was on my first date with my ex, a year and a half a go! That was a great night, a great memory, but even the greatest and happiest moments must be subdued. I can't hold up that night like a prism to the sun and see rainbows anymore. I can't look at it through rose-colored glasses and think, after that night my life changed for the better. Now it's just a memory seen by my plain eyes as a time I watched a movie at Jordan hall. I really want to experience theatre. When I saw the Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime on Tuesday with Matt I was experiencing theatre to its full extent.
That play was so incredibly beautiful. In order to fill you with the anxiety and fear an individual with high functioning autism has the team built this frighting soundscape which increased in volume and rhythmic speed so you could feel your blood pressure rise and your heart beat quickly. The lights flashed and spiraled and the actors jumped and twisted and danced around the stage to simulate moving through tunnels and time. The way Christopher, the main character, copes with anxiety is astonishing. Sometimes I feel like him. Sometimes I want to curl up on the floor and extend my arms over my head as if I'm bowing in worship to an Egyptian God. Sometimes I feel as though my body quivers and shakes and I shriek and howl and hit and gnash my teeth and cry. But I rarely do that anymore. Luckily I don't think anyone but my family has seen me react that way before. But sometimes I am Christopher. Sometimes I lack all reason, I just don't feel safe. That's why that book means so much to me. That's why that play means so much to me. That's why every time I pass the Indianapolis Reparatory Theatre I think of the time I almost got to go, and my ex decided to go shopping and we missed it. I think he would have been mesmerized by it. I think he could have understood me better if we had seen it. It's so hard to help you get inside of someone's head to experience their thoughts and emotions, but this play does everything right. Its staging, sound design, and script. Going with my dad made it all the more special though and when you experience something with someone you love it recolors your memory. It isn't so bad that I couldn't go with my ex, because I got to go with my dad, and suddenly it wasn't about him understanding me, it was about us mutually understanding each other.
With father's day around the corner I just want to say, "I love my dad" my dad is awesome. But we've always had a very strained relationship because we simply have never been able to communicate well or understand each other. Since I've gotten older it's gotten better, and now that he's in counseling we're really trying and working hard. He's going to come see the show tonight with me. I don't know if he's ever seen Rent, but I think it'll speak to him. It's a show that has a way of capturing your heart and soul. And, my dad lived in New York at this time. He was a mother f*ing bohemian. He was basically Collins. What a hippie! And then he moved to Flagstaff Arizona, so not exactly Santa Fe, but close! Matt is getting old, he'll be 66 in December and there is a lifetime of stories that I don't know. I hope to learn more while I can.
That's another reason why I think living with my grandma will be nice. I'll get to learn about her, her stories, what she lived through, and who she is. Pam says because of her brain injury she'll probably be irritable and grouchy all the time, and I joked "but I live with Grace so it's okay." Grandma might not really want to share or talk or visit. She's in a lot of pain, but, I'm hopeful.
And so to conclude, I'm finding happiness in my hopes. I'm discovering ways in which lemons can be lemonade or, as a friend once put it, "sweet lemon meringue pie." And hell, I'm happy with just lemons, they're my favorite flavor on the planet! I love sharing that piece of information with new people, on every first date. That's my calling card. That's how people will remember me, I'm the girl who LOVES lemons. If there's one thing that I want my ex to never forget, it's the way I ate the lemon wedges that came with my water (no ice). That's one of the little things you learn about someone that endears them to you. I know it's ridiculous to hope and hold onto something like that, that in time will disappear like every other memory we made, but I can hope, and hope brings me peace which helps me combat "Hard Times" which make me wonder "why I even try." I try because I'm hopeful.
Tuesday, June 5, 2018
Progress Report 6-5-18
Start video at 1:15m and see what I'm talking about! I have to brag on my mother for a moment, because DAMN,
1,2,3, what would you do with 96G?!!Pamela Hadley just got funded 6 Million Dollars to change the lives of so many children across America. I am so incredibly proud of her. I'm proud and happy for a lot of people in my life right now too.
I'm really happy for my health, both mental and physical. I've been working out and eating healthy for a little under a month and it's paying off! I am also in a really positive and happy mind set where even when I experience negative feelings, I accept them, reflect on them, and move on. They don't all have to be shared all the time with everyone. I used to really need that. I used to have to tell people how I felt and what I was experiencing in order to feel better about those emotions, but journaling again has given me so much peace and distance. Journaling was what saved me in middle school and it is what is saving me again.
I got really freaked out yesterday when I was talking to a friend preparing for her L-SAT. At the end of this year, my junior year, I will have to take placement tests for my student teaching, and my GRE for grad school so that I can begin applying for school psychology programs. I'll also start looking for jobs and figuring out to what city I'm going to move after Butler. Things are tough right now, and I'm always grinding away, but I stay on it because of my mom and my sister and my dad.
I realized how much I love my family and what an important priority they are. I like being home. I don't mind that I'm not in Ireland on this fullbright, or doing some stand in internship. I am a home body. I like going to go see movies with Matt at the IMAX, and sitting out on our new deck with Grace talking about goofy stuff like astrology. I really love just having a moment to myself to breathe and thank God for all of the good things in my life.
I am so thankful to Pamela for her amazing, shining, inspiring example. She has worked so hard, yet still managed to be a strong parental figure. She knows she prioritized family a little too much and created my codependence. But she's doing a lot better too. She's trusting more. Giving Grace and I more freedom. Hell, she left for China a week ago and has only texted us once a day with amazing pictures. That's an independent mama!! I'm so wicked proud of her.
In other news, Adam, Hollyann, Joey and I are all planning to go see Paramore in July back in Indy and I'm beyond excited! Paramore has been one of my favorite bands since the sixth grade. No matter what mood I'm in, Hayley Williams has me covered. I cannot wait. I'm going to steal her look. Gosh I love concerts so much and I don't know what the best part is? Paramore's music? Adopting Paramore's aesthetic? Going with my best friends?
This is the summer of concerts for me. I'm seeing Paramore, Børns, and The Maine, I'm seeing Halsey and Walk the Moon again. I just want to have fun. I just want to experience life. I may not change the world yet, but I have 26 (Paramore reference, but also reference to Pam's success) years to. I will never stop working hard to have what I want. But I'm okay if it takes a little time. I'm going to stop and smell every rose (colored boy) along the way. Life is too precious to waste time working to an end. I want my life to be the means to the end, not the end to a means.
Thursday, May 31, 2018
Progress Report 5-31-18: Sometimes You Gotta Have Faith
New Girl is honestly one of the funniest shows I've ever watched. I find this unexpected because it was the favorite T.V. show of my first boyfriend. Everything associated with that relationship I painted over with a thick coat of lacquer and the opinion that, "if Jonah liked it, it's probably over rated." That's how I felt about Marvel Movies, and Green Day, and New Girl.
Well, tonight I watched Avengers Infinity War and I have to tell you, even though Jonah liked it, WAY too much, I liked it a lot too. Green Day, you know isn't the greatest band in the world, but my God I will sing along to American Idiot's Soundtrack all the live long day. And New Girl, when I'm alone tucked underneath my weighted blanket in a dank room in resco which I never fully settled into, will make me laugh until I cry harder than even How I Met Your Mother. I am Jessica Day, hello, her life's calling is to be a middle school vice principal, she makes goofy voices and role plays with inanimate objects, and she strives to be happy and positive in all avenues of life and love. She's dorky and embarrassing beyond belief to everyone else, but Jessica lives purposefully and intentionally. Moreover, the cast of characters of her insane roommates, Coach, Winston, Schmidt, and Nick all remind me of Spencer and Jenna. They're really good friends. I miss sitting up with them late at night overlooking the firepits and the fairy lights and joking about everything and anything while listening to The City. Speaking of which!!!! THE 1975 HAS A NEW SONG RELEASED TODAY AND I'M SO EXCITED TO LISTEN TO IT. I haven't yet because my entire drive home was dedicated the The Last Five Years soundtrack, but, still, I know what I'm doing tomorrow.
I'm home right now because I completed my first of the three summer classes today. I was so beyond stressed. Whenever I have a presentation I panic. And of course it didn't help that right before I got up there I got a little groupme notification. Hello ex boyfriend! Once more, welcome back to my life, I really didn't know what to say to you, so forgive me, I was really nervous and preoccupied with something else. In any case, my teacher thought the presentation was really good, even if my standards for myself were much higher than hers. That's the rub of being a truly gifted student, you can't settle.
I'm so done settling in every aspect of my life. I'm done being complacent. I've been working out for an hour everyday, drinking water, eating well and cooking frequently! I've been doing my assignments with diligence, I've been reading, my piano skills are coming along very well. I'm doing great! I won't settle for anything less than great. I spent all last summer depressed on the floor of my living room in between shifts at Applebees waiting for someone else to make me happy. I hate that girl. She's Cathy from the Last Five Years. This Summer is Going to be different. I'm going to do everything I can to make it extraordinary. I've learned how to love myself in a way I never had before so now I want to celebrate her.
Ellen is an incredible human being and she is going to live an incredible life.
It always surprises me when other people recognize that, people like Becki at work, Dr. Esteves in class, Dr. Hunter in Resco, Dr. Martin, Dr. Bohannon, and Carol Montgomery in the psych office. So many people believe in me and see my greatness and every time I have an interaction with one of these esteemed adults I see my reflection in their praise, not an imposter, but truly me. I don't mean to brag, I'm just ecstatic. I've done something right, something well.
In my assessments course that I just completed we talked about the dangers of placing your worth in grades. For a long time that's who I was. I was smart and only smart. And then I came to college and I got to be smart and kind. But now, I'm whole in a way I've never felt before. I sing always. I smile always. I feel twenty pounds lighter. I feel light years faster. I can feel again. Life isn't a laundry list of problems I need to solve, life is a laundry list of opportunities I can select from. I've never wanted to do laundry more. I've never wanted to pull out of the dryer a crisp blue blouse with lace embroidery more than I do tonight, right now, laying on grey carpet with a cat purring beside me.
Celebrate Ellen with me! Thank you to everyone who has always known what I have to offer the world. Thank you for believing in me when I didn't believe in myself. Thank you for the faith you had in me that I would be okay, and better than okay.
Well, tonight I watched Avengers Infinity War and I have to tell you, even though Jonah liked it, WAY too much, I liked it a lot too. Green Day, you know isn't the greatest band in the world, but my God I will sing along to American Idiot's Soundtrack all the live long day. And New Girl, when I'm alone tucked underneath my weighted blanket in a dank room in resco which I never fully settled into, will make me laugh until I cry harder than even How I Met Your Mother. I am Jessica Day, hello, her life's calling is to be a middle school vice principal, she makes goofy voices and role plays with inanimate objects, and she strives to be happy and positive in all avenues of life and love. She's dorky and embarrassing beyond belief to everyone else, but Jessica lives purposefully and intentionally. Moreover, the cast of characters of her insane roommates, Coach, Winston, Schmidt, and Nick all remind me of Spencer and Jenna. They're really good friends. I miss sitting up with them late at night overlooking the firepits and the fairy lights and joking about everything and anything while listening to The City. Speaking of which!!!! THE 1975 HAS A NEW SONG RELEASED TODAY AND I'M SO EXCITED TO LISTEN TO IT. I haven't yet because my entire drive home was dedicated the The Last Five Years soundtrack, but, still, I know what I'm doing tomorrow.
I'm home right now because I completed my first of the three summer classes today. I was so beyond stressed. Whenever I have a presentation I panic. And of course it didn't help that right before I got up there I got a little groupme notification. Hello ex boyfriend! Once more, welcome back to my life, I really didn't know what to say to you, so forgive me, I was really nervous and preoccupied with something else. In any case, my teacher thought the presentation was really good, even if my standards for myself were much higher than hers. That's the rub of being a truly gifted student, you can't settle.
I'm so done settling in every aspect of my life. I'm done being complacent. I've been working out for an hour everyday, drinking water, eating well and cooking frequently! I've been doing my assignments with diligence, I've been reading, my piano skills are coming along very well. I'm doing great! I won't settle for anything less than great. I spent all last summer depressed on the floor of my living room in between shifts at Applebees waiting for someone else to make me happy. I hate that girl. She's Cathy from the Last Five Years. This Summer is Going to be different. I'm going to do everything I can to make it extraordinary. I've learned how to love myself in a way I never had before so now I want to celebrate her.
Ellen is an incredible human being and she is going to live an incredible life.
It always surprises me when other people recognize that, people like Becki at work, Dr. Esteves in class, Dr. Hunter in Resco, Dr. Martin, Dr. Bohannon, and Carol Montgomery in the psych office. So many people believe in me and see my greatness and every time I have an interaction with one of these esteemed adults I see my reflection in their praise, not an imposter, but truly me. I don't mean to brag, I'm just ecstatic. I've done something right, something well.
In my assessments course that I just completed we talked about the dangers of placing your worth in grades. For a long time that's who I was. I was smart and only smart. And then I came to college and I got to be smart and kind. But now, I'm whole in a way I've never felt before. I sing always. I smile always. I feel twenty pounds lighter. I feel light years faster. I can feel again. Life isn't a laundry list of problems I need to solve, life is a laundry list of opportunities I can select from. I've never wanted to do laundry more. I've never wanted to pull out of the dryer a crisp blue blouse with lace embroidery more than I do tonight, right now, laying on grey carpet with a cat purring beside me.
Monday, May 28, 2018
Progress Report 5-28-18: Visits from Friends
This weekend Jenna and Spencer came for a visit and it was so wonderful to see them. It's only been three weeks since we were last all together so we didn't have a lot of catching up to do. Still in three weeks you truly miss someone. We ate brunch on race day and as I flew down 65S Jenna joked we crash the 500 because my car would totally win. She was just really excited to see her boyfriend, I guess. We also hung out around Mass Ave and had some coffee for a few hours. I've been weaning myself off coffee lately because it has made my anxiety so bad, but one glass over the course of three hours on a hot day was perfect.
I got to do some homework when Spencer and Jenna went to go see their boyfriends, and I got a lot done. I motivated myself to finish so that I could get back to the pianos in Lilly. I've been teaching myself how to play some basic chords recently. I've always wanted to, and I got started with it back in February-- but then I didn't have any time to get into Lilly when music students weren't practicing.
These days during the dinner hour I'm the only one inside the building so I get to sing as loudly as I want to and play my favorite piano. Music fills me in a way that exercising doesn't. When I exercise I am not creating anything. I still enjoy it, but I won't spend hours on it the way time disappears and flies by when I'm singing.
After a few hours George got off work and we all met up in Broad Ripple. It was a little after 9:30 and the afterglow was fading pretty rapidly. We sat along the Monon in this wooden gazeebo with a few old chairs and visited for a while. Music emptied into the street from Books and Brew and the rainbow lights La Piedad glimmered on the pavement. The evening atmosphere hung heavy on our arms and in our lungs as we began to talk about our upcoming road trip to visit Jenna for her birthday. I'm so excited to go to Michigan. I've never been. I've also never road tripped with friends further than a day's drive away. We still aren't really sure when or where we're going, but this will be the best summer yet.
George brought something up last night that I want to reflect on. A girl he dated in high school texted him recently. He was so uncomfortable he didn't respond. He described the long text from Lauren while Spencer was nestled up to him smoking on her Jule. George explained that of course he wants the best for his ex, but he has zero desire to be an active part in her life. "All the best to her, but honestly I don't care" he said taking a swig of beer that Spencer had tucked away in her purse. I felt guilty. Of course I want my ex to live his life and all the best for him. And honestly, I don't need to be a part of his life, but I want him to be a part of mine. I began to ask George questions about how he felt after receiving the message and he was only flustered and confused. I took a sigh and shared with my closest friends what I had done and awaited their cruel judgment. But they only had supportive things to say. They're happy for me, and proud of me. They told me I didn't need to be embarrassed and that even if it's dorky to tuck a note under a windshield wiper, it was fairly mature.
I am so grateful to have friends like them in my life. They want the best for me. They encourage me. We give each other advice. I sometimes feel a little awkward still, Spencer and Jenna will joke around and then I couldn't keep up with the conversation so I'll interject something like "I'm bleeding" or "DOG!" so I feel included in the conversation, but I think I'm finally mastering how to interact in group dynamics. I get a little preachy sometimes when I talk too long, so I appreciate that we don't get into anything like that. I also don't fill my teacher role and try to solve problems. I just listen and ask questions. They've given me so much love and freedom to experiment with my identity and who I want to be as a healthy friend or person.
I really love my friends. I love sitting in a van and listening to the top gun theme as the sun sets on the river. I love getting big red lipstick kisses on my cheek from Jenna when she drops me off at Resco.
Effie asked me a few nights ago if I liked myself at the moment. I told her I liked myself more than I ever had. I think she's still struggling in a lot of ways. I love her and want what's best for her, but this semester because of Jenna and Spencer, but also my breakups with friends and boyfriends, I've learned that I don't have to take care of people. They can take care of themselves, and it's my job to take care of me. And since I've started doing that, I am so incredibly happy.
I got to do some homework when Spencer and Jenna went to go see their boyfriends, and I got a lot done. I motivated myself to finish so that I could get back to the pianos in Lilly. I've been teaching myself how to play some basic chords recently. I've always wanted to, and I got started with it back in February-- but then I didn't have any time to get into Lilly when music students weren't practicing.
After a few hours George got off work and we all met up in Broad Ripple. It was a little after 9:30 and the afterglow was fading pretty rapidly. We sat along the Monon in this wooden gazeebo with a few old chairs and visited for a while. Music emptied into the street from Books and Brew and the rainbow lights La Piedad glimmered on the pavement. The evening atmosphere hung heavy on our arms and in our lungs as we began to talk about our upcoming road trip to visit Jenna for her birthday. I'm so excited to go to Michigan. I've never been. I've also never road tripped with friends further than a day's drive away. We still aren't really sure when or where we're going, but this will be the best summer yet.
George brought something up last night that I want to reflect on. A girl he dated in high school texted him recently. He was so uncomfortable he didn't respond. He described the long text from Lauren while Spencer was nestled up to him smoking on her Jule. George explained that of course he wants the best for his ex, but he has zero desire to be an active part in her life. "All the best to her, but honestly I don't care" he said taking a swig of beer that Spencer had tucked away in her purse. I felt guilty. Of course I want my ex to live his life and all the best for him. And honestly, I don't need to be a part of his life, but I want him to be a part of mine. I began to ask George questions about how he felt after receiving the message and he was only flustered and confused. I took a sigh and shared with my closest friends what I had done and awaited their cruel judgment. But they only had supportive things to say. They're happy for me, and proud of me. They told me I didn't need to be embarrassed and that even if it's dorky to tuck a note under a windshield wiper, it was fairly mature.
I am so grateful to have friends like them in my life. They want the best for me. They encourage me. We give each other advice. I sometimes feel a little awkward still, Spencer and Jenna will joke around and then I couldn't keep up with the conversation so I'll interject something like "I'm bleeding" or "DOG!" so I feel included in the conversation, but I think I'm finally mastering how to interact in group dynamics. I get a little preachy sometimes when I talk too long, so I appreciate that we don't get into anything like that. I also don't fill my teacher role and try to solve problems. I just listen and ask questions. They've given me so much love and freedom to experiment with my identity and who I want to be as a healthy friend or person.
I really love my friends. I love sitting in a van and listening to the top gun theme as the sun sets on the river. I love getting big red lipstick kisses on my cheek from Jenna when she drops me off at Resco.
Effie asked me a few nights ago if I liked myself at the moment. I told her I liked myself more than I ever had. I think she's still struggling in a lot of ways. I love her and want what's best for her, but this semester because of Jenna and Spencer, but also my breakups with friends and boyfriends, I've learned that I don't have to take care of people. They can take care of themselves, and it's my job to take care of me. And since I've started doing that, I am so incredibly happy.
Saturday, May 26, 2018
The Last 5 Years, Summer in the City and Finding Happiness
Can we just talk about how amazing the music from The Last Five Years is?
Seriously, I've been listening to it nonstop for 20 hours. Andrew recommended it to me back in February, but it's only just now on Netflix. I've actually watched it twice.
Last week I was all about Spring Awakening. I allocated time to journal how I felt about all the numbers and the show overall, because I wanted to remember my first impressions of it.
Even though I'd never seen this film adaptation or heard the music from the last five years, I didn't feel like I needed to record my impressions because the story is so familiar. It feels like I'm watching my story. The most special moment was when I was listening to the soundtrack after taking my wisdom teeth medicine and I heard the music to "I'm Still Hurting" in the bridge of "Things are Moving too Fast." Essentially, like I read in my journal yesterday, the characters in this movie anticipated there being problems later on in their romance. The same thing happens when Cathy takes Jamie to meet her parents during "I Can Do Better Than That" and she uses lyrics from "I'm Still Smiling" stating she wanted miles and piles of him but later she is exhausted by the miles and piles of him. I'm sure there are many other moments of brilliance in this soundtrack but those resonated with me.
I came across this movie because since I moved into Resco I decided I needed to date myself.
Lucy and I had all of these fun summer plans for going and hanging out in broadripple and having adventures while we lived together. Just because she moved back home doesn't mean I have to give up on those things! I'm running every day in a different area of campus or the city and listing to so many different bands and artists. I'm trying a lot of new restaurants and taking pictures of everything! The world is so beautiful and those snapshots reminds me that there's beauty in everything and being alone allows me to pace myself, take my time, and not rush to catch up with anyone. I feel safe and confident taking my strolls with my big floppy hat and sunglasses down the canal. Among these date yourself activities are things like going to museums and gardens and coffee shops, dressing up and doing your makeup just to celebrate yourself and not to impress anyone else. I'm going to concerts in the area and discovering so many fun things to do when you're young and thriving in an urban area. Next summer will be even better!
Last night I was going to see a movie with Jenna and Spencer. That plan fell through because Spencer weren't able to make it into town like she said. She's not coming till Sunday now, even though Jenna is here. I was really hurt and disappointed. That's sort of a pattern with me. I'm really happy and confident being on my own when I know I'm going to be and when I want to be. But with my friends and people I assume care about me, cancelled plans hurt. I tried to make the best of it though, and ultimately I found The Last Five Years since it worked out. That's the beauty of being in a healthy state of mind. For the first time in such a long time I see the bright side. I don't feel like I'm dragging an albatross from my neck. I'm just free and single and happy! I feel like sunshine.
I feel like the brightest most brilliant yellow you've ever seen riding in the back of a red convertible down a cliffside highway out west with a scarf trailing from my head of shimmering stars. Yes, I did just hit a power-up on mario kart and describe dmyself as that feeling. I'm just happy and this musical was something that was important to me so I wanted to share!
Seriously, I've been listening to it nonstop for 20 hours. Andrew recommended it to me back in February, but it's only just now on Netflix. I've actually watched it twice.
Last week I was all about Spring Awakening. I allocated time to journal how I felt about all the numbers and the show overall, because I wanted to remember my first impressions of it.
Even though I'd never seen this film adaptation or heard the music from the last five years, I didn't feel like I needed to record my impressions because the story is so familiar. It feels like I'm watching my story. The most special moment was when I was listening to the soundtrack after taking my wisdom teeth medicine and I heard the music to "I'm Still Hurting" in the bridge of "Things are Moving too Fast." Essentially, like I read in my journal yesterday, the characters in this movie anticipated there being problems later on in their romance. The same thing happens when Cathy takes Jamie to meet her parents during "I Can Do Better Than That" and she uses lyrics from "I'm Still Smiling" stating she wanted miles and piles of him but later she is exhausted by the miles and piles of him. I'm sure there are many other moments of brilliance in this soundtrack but those resonated with me.
I came across this movie because since I moved into Resco I decided I needed to date myself.
Lucy and I had all of these fun summer plans for going and hanging out in broadripple and having adventures while we lived together. Just because she moved back home doesn't mean I have to give up on those things! I'm running every day in a different area of campus or the city and listing to so many different bands and artists. I'm trying a lot of new restaurants and taking pictures of everything! The world is so beautiful and those snapshots reminds me that there's beauty in everything and being alone allows me to pace myself, take my time, and not rush to catch up with anyone. I feel safe and confident taking my strolls with my big floppy hat and sunglasses down the canal. Among these date yourself activities are things like going to museums and gardens and coffee shops, dressing up and doing your makeup just to celebrate yourself and not to impress anyone else. I'm going to concerts in the area and discovering so many fun things to do when you're young and thriving in an urban area. Next summer will be even better!
Last night I was going to see a movie with Jenna and Spencer. That plan fell through because Spencer weren't able to make it into town like she said. She's not coming till Sunday now, even though Jenna is here. I was really hurt and disappointed. That's sort of a pattern with me. I'm really happy and confident being on my own when I know I'm going to be and when I want to be. But with my friends and people I assume care about me, cancelled plans hurt. I tried to make the best of it though, and ultimately I found The Last Five Years since it worked out. That's the beauty of being in a healthy state of mind. For the first time in such a long time I see the bright side. I don't feel like I'm dragging an albatross from my neck. I'm just free and single and happy! I feel like sunshine.
I feel like the brightest most brilliant yellow you've ever seen riding in the back of a red convertible down a cliffside highway out west with a scarf trailing from my head of shimmering stars. Yes, I did just hit a power-up on mario kart and describe dmyself as that feeling. I'm just happy and this musical was something that was important to me so I wanted to share!
Friday, May 25, 2018
Welcome Back
Dear Ex boyfriend:
Glad you got the note and were curious. I don't really get to know if you're reading this or not, but I just wanted this to be the first thing you saw if you did.
I wrote to you that I wasn't angry, and I'm not. As you will see in the following posts there isn't a lot of anger in here. Most of my friends would also attest that I'm pretty good these days actually. Obviously, as any recovery process would have it, there are good days and there are bad days. I've mostly been writing on the bad days because that's when I need the most support from my loved ones and I need a creative outlet.
There are some pretty cringe-worthy things on here, it is deeply personal, please remember that. The point is, I shouldn't be embarrassed by these feelings. They're valid. But, (though this is not a trigger warning) they may be uncomfortable for you to read. If we think back to the last time we talked you said that it made you uncomfortable when I said I considered you family. A lot of the following posts have content similar to that. I do describe the ways I care about you and that I miss you and that's going to make you uncomfortable because chances are, you haven't thought about me much at all so it's a bit of a surprise to have such intense emotion still on this end. I think the greatest closure I got today was rewriting my old journal entries, not just reading them. In that I found how deeply unhappy I had been and due to Effort Justification Theory, (I learned about this in social psychology) of course I would try justify being in an unhappy relationship by intensifying my emotions. That's not a very good explanation of the theory, but you should look it up! There are some great youtube videos by, the lovely, you guessed it: HANK GREEN, and you know, more noteable scientists and professors.
I'm sorry. You aren't responsible for the choices I made or how I felt. So there are definitely some happy posts thrown in here and there, but so that you don't have to go through the burden of sorting through my PAST emotions (even if they are recent past) and inner conflicts I kind of wanted to bring you up to speed on what's really truly good! See my Progress Report 5-6-18. It kind of serves as an overview of my semester, the people I spend time with, the things I'm doing etc. It also is a reintroduction because, like I said in the letter, there are weird parts of me that reflect the me I was when we knew eachother, but that's all they are, reflections.
That's why I want to reconnect, I feel like I'm an incredibly different person. But, the reason why we couldn't be real friends earlier this year was because our expectations were incompatible. It might drive her crazy, but your girlfriend kind of showed me that there's this weird middle ground you can have with people. I really like her. I always have! I'm so glad that you have each other! But the thing is, she and I haven't ever acknowledged the fact that you and I dated and you and her currently do. We're really pleasant and kind but we're not friends. I don't know her at all really but I want to. And it's that wanting to know someone and wanting to make a positive impression on them without being too vulnerable or too trusting that has inspired me to do this.
I recently was crafting, as I do to relax, and I came across a quote on pinterest that also helped me realize, the important people in your life are timeless. You may go through periods where you're close, and not as close, and that's okay, so long as when you come back together it's like nothing has changed. Obviously, a lot has changed for us, and maybe it's selfish for me to say, but, I really hope that we can be timeless. I've been living in memories for six months and though I don't think about you a lot, when I do, I always am tempted to say something. So now I am. There is no pressure to read or respond. Take your time, I won't know that you have read this or my letter and I'll just keep living my life and you keep living yours and maybe someday we'll come back together again.
I feel a little foolish about leaving the word search on your windshield but I wanted to get your attention. I know I said I wouldn't try or contact you or reach out. And I've tried not to because I want to respect your need for distance. But I have no idea how to handle break ups, so I'm experimenting. I always said I was experimenting on you :)
Oh and this is really dumb, but for like actual updates on what I'm doing that is unrelated to my "progress" in regards to the break up and my emotional growth, my instagram is public, the one whose handle is "lns_world."
But I'll post one more time with some stories I want to share too :)
I'm so ready for this blog to return to happy things,
it's called Finding Happiness Afterall
Best wishes, and thank you for reading,
it means a lot!
E.
Glad you got the note and were curious. I don't really get to know if you're reading this or not, but I just wanted this to be the first thing you saw if you did.
I wrote to you that I wasn't angry, and I'm not. As you will see in the following posts there isn't a lot of anger in here. Most of my friends would also attest that I'm pretty good these days actually. Obviously, as any recovery process would have it, there are good days and there are bad days. I've mostly been writing on the bad days because that's when I need the most support from my loved ones and I need a creative outlet.
There are some pretty cringe-worthy things on here, it is deeply personal, please remember that. The point is, I shouldn't be embarrassed by these feelings. They're valid. But, (though this is not a trigger warning) they may be uncomfortable for you to read. If we think back to the last time we talked you said that it made you uncomfortable when I said I considered you family. A lot of the following posts have content similar to that. I do describe the ways I care about you and that I miss you and that's going to make you uncomfortable because chances are, you haven't thought about me much at all so it's a bit of a surprise to have such intense emotion still on this end. I think the greatest closure I got today was rewriting my old journal entries, not just reading them. In that I found how deeply unhappy I had been and due to Effort Justification Theory, (I learned about this in social psychology) of course I would try justify being in an unhappy relationship by intensifying my emotions. That's not a very good explanation of the theory, but you should look it up! There are some great youtube videos by, the lovely, you guessed it: HANK GREEN, and you know, more noteable scientists and professors.
I'm sorry. You aren't responsible for the choices I made or how I felt. So there are definitely some happy posts thrown in here and there, but so that you don't have to go through the burden of sorting through my PAST emotions (even if they are recent past) and inner conflicts I kind of wanted to bring you up to speed on what's really truly good! See my Progress Report 5-6-18. It kind of serves as an overview of my semester, the people I spend time with, the things I'm doing etc. It also is a reintroduction because, like I said in the letter, there are weird parts of me that reflect the me I was when we knew eachother, but that's all they are, reflections.
That's why I want to reconnect, I feel like I'm an incredibly different person. But, the reason why we couldn't be real friends earlier this year was because our expectations were incompatible. It might drive her crazy, but your girlfriend kind of showed me that there's this weird middle ground you can have with people. I really like her. I always have! I'm so glad that you have each other! But the thing is, she and I haven't ever acknowledged the fact that you and I dated and you and her currently do. We're really pleasant and kind but we're not friends. I don't know her at all really but I want to. And it's that wanting to know someone and wanting to make a positive impression on them without being too vulnerable or too trusting that has inspired me to do this.
I recently was crafting, as I do to relax, and I came across a quote on pinterest that also helped me realize, the important people in your life are timeless. You may go through periods where you're close, and not as close, and that's okay, so long as when you come back together it's like nothing has changed. Obviously, a lot has changed for us, and maybe it's selfish for me to say, but, I really hope that we can be timeless. I've been living in memories for six months and though I don't think about you a lot, when I do, I always am tempted to say something. So now I am. There is no pressure to read or respond. Take your time, I won't know that you have read this or my letter and I'll just keep living my life and you keep living yours and maybe someday we'll come back together again.
I feel a little foolish about leaving the word search on your windshield but I wanted to get your attention. I know I said I wouldn't try or contact you or reach out. And I've tried not to because I want to respect your need for distance. But I have no idea how to handle break ups, so I'm experimenting. I always said I was experimenting on you :)
Oh and this is really dumb, but for like actual updates on what I'm doing that is unrelated to my "progress" in regards to the break up and my emotional growth, my instagram is public, the one whose handle is "lns_world."
But I'll post one more time with some stories I want to share too :)
I'm so ready for this blog to return to happy things,
it's called Finding Happiness Afterall
Best wishes, and thank you for reading,
it means a lot!
E.
Saturday, May 5, 2018
Progress Report 5-6-18
Dear Ex Boyfriend,
Tonight I stayed up with Spencer, George and Jenna and said my final goodbyes (and by final I mean for 30 days until we road trip Michigan together!). These names mean nothing to you, but these are some of my best friends.
In the first version of this letter I said, "Jenna and Spencer may not be people I tell everything to" but that's a lie. They hear the good, the bad, the gross. I can't express how much their friendships mean to me and I'm terrified of what I'm going to do without them next year. But I will treasure this semester. The semester Spencer snapped rubber bands at me everytime I said your name and Jenna saw me cry on the staircase after I saw you with Gabbie for the first time. I will treasure the night we took five pounds of modeling clay and made a trashwall in our room while listening to K-pop and watching episodes of Drake and Josh.
I will treasure our pottery dates and adventures hiking the hundred acre woods, downtown Indy for March for our Lives, and Eagle Creek. I will treasure the 1975 record and the LANY record that Jenna would play in the living room that George and Spencer slightly high and slightly buzzed would square dance to on the weird Saturday in March when we got snowed in.
They have taught me how to be happier and healthier this semester. Not just them, Rowan and Lucy have also been amazing girl friends to have.
I can't underestimate the joy Adam, Hollyann, and Margo have also brought.I cried last night when I realized I'd never been so happy in my entire life. I have a wealth of experiences from our adventures. I've learned patience and tolerance. I've learned what it feels like to have people care about you without them being responsible for you. I also feel like I've learned how to love people in a healthier way. I did a lot of work. And it's true, you can't close yourself off from relationships in order to grow.
In my social psychology class we talked about how the self only exists in a social context. Without others we cannot be our true self. That was powerful for me to learn, because I think after you and I broke up I felt like I had to be self-sufficient and close my self off from others. I wanted to fix myself before I let anyone else in, but I opened my heart up to people eager and willing to care about me. I've never felt so lucky in my life. I'm sad that this era is ending, but I'm at peace with it.I'm excited for my next chapter, living with Lucy this summer during our summer classes. I'm excited to experience Indy in a new way, with more freedom. I know I was dependent on you last summer because I didn't have anyone else around, but I don't think I'll ever feel that dependent on anyone else ever again. I have a strong support network throughout the city. The Kims are here and they are family, I also have Emily living here this summer who I can watch scary movies with and go drink Bubble Tea.
You haven't been part of my life for 10 weeks. In those 10 weeks I've rebuilt everything in my life and it's so strong and grounded in my faith and the pursuit of happiness. I know you've probably tried your best, and that it hasn't been that hard even, not to think of me but I want you to know that I'm really good! I hope you are too. I hope you've gotten to do all of the things you didn't get to do when we were together that you felt you couldn't. I hope you've gotten the help you needed. I hope your friends continue to bring out the best in you. Keep them close. If I've learned anything, it is the importance of friendships.
I did apply for the Fullbright, and I even got to interview it! I didn't earn the Fullbright but only 4 people in the entire country did get it. So, I'll take my summer classes, try to get ahead, and pursue research next summer. I actually won an amazing research grant to present in D.C. next May! There's an interview that I did with Butler's instagram that explains what I've been doing if you're curious. Next semester I'll be at Butler's lab school teaching Monday-Wednesday and I've never felt more prepared or called to be a teacher than I do right now. I'm ready. It was a struggle before, but now I know it'll be okay.
I think that's the crime of it all. I was going through a lot of personal problems when we dated and I'm sorry I put you through that. I'm sorry I didn't recognize how unhappy I actually was. I'm sorry I made you responsible for that. I'm sorry I used you to make me feel better and more secure. I don't anymore. Who's to say that if we were to meet now we'd even be romantically compatible, or even friends, but we don't get to know. The Ellen who lives and breathes today, May 6, 2018 is so different from the one you asked out February 2, 2017 or the one you broke up with last December. It doesn't matter to me what you think of her, but I've never been more in love with anyone in my life than I am with her.
I also need to apologize. The last thing I remember saying to you was that the best thing you could have done for me was break up with me. That was harsh, but I still believe that. I need to explain what I meant though, I've been watching LOVE, like you recommended and I think I was a bit of a LASA (Love and Sex Addict) like Mickey. I haven't been single for this long in six years, but I love being single. I like meeting new people and learning about myself and others and not being too serious. I get to be serious about my dreams and my goals. That was all I wanted in college anyways! Now I get to be selfish about school and career and friends. Now I can be a dick and not consider others and I don't feel guilty. It's incredible honestly what a few months, a few books, a few friends, and a few hours of counseling and youtube videos can do to change your attitude and perspective and more importantly your health. The foundation for a good relationship is being stable in self concept and I finally feel like I can handle that. I finally feel secure. I cannot stress enough how profoundly good I am doing. I'm beyond excited. I never would have believed that I would feel this good five months ago.
I stay up late, like tonight, writing to you pretty often. I don't know why I feel like I want to share my thoughts and feelings about the world with you still, but I do, and it surprises me all the time how much better I feel at the end of the day when I do. Missing you isn't a sign of unreadiness to move on though, it's a sign that I have moved on and can accept all of these memories. Pam and I were talking, and she said, 30 years later my mom still thinks about her high school boyfriend especially because Grace and I are at that age. Tom never did anything wrong, his plan for his life was just different than hers. That's why they can't be friends, she said. She loved him and he loved her, and there were no hard feelings, only feelings, and those can't be resolved no matter how much time passes. Whatever anger or sadness I feel, resolves quickly these days. I wish the same for you if you experience any of that.
Dear ex boyfriend, have a great summer. Please keep doing things you love. Please keep your friends close. Treat your girlfriend with respect, and if you love her, try to be better this time. Be better for her. Be better for yourself. Eat as much of your mom's food as you can. Grow peppers. See Rent in June when it's at Clowes. Avoid video games, try reading or picking up a new hobby or working hard to be better at voice. Go for long drives. Go fishing at your grandparents. Watch the Tony's. Plan a roadtrip out east to visit Avery, or convince James to go to Utah with you. Ride roller coasters. Write music. Drink milkshakes. See Emma and Ryan, and Becca and whoever else from that group who makes you smile. Try talking more. You are different today than you were when you graduated.
Speaking of different, I want you to have access to the last letter I wrote you:
"I know this girl you may like! Obviously you're dating someone now, and I know she's interested in someone else but you two would have a lot in common. I think you would appreciate her confidence, her intelligence, her self-assuredness. I think you'd find her pretty funny. She does the weird facial twitch you do where she moves her mouth to one side of her face and makes goofy faces on snapchat. Her snapchat is actually the bomb. She makes music videos at double time to all of these awesome songs that you probably know and like. On Saturday nights after she babysits she drives around downtown Indianapolis singing for another hour just to unwind. She does all sorts of wild and crazy exciting things like exploring the local music scene and adventuring into the woods to watch for owls. She falls asleep to Tedtalks and listens to podcasts when she goes on runs. She's constantly interested in learning more about the world. She's so curious and opinionated. She challenges herself and others to be better on occasion, but also has learned how to listen without offering unsolicited advice or criticism. She jokes kindly and often. She is kind to all but doesn't expect anything from them in return. I would really like for you to get to know this friend of mine, I know we didn't get along but I promise you'd be lucky to have her in your life. She's living in Indianapolis this summer, so if you have a chance, definitely give her a call. Ellen is pretty amazing. I know you'll be great friends."
Dear Ex boyfriend, take care of yourself,
Love, your ex girlfriend who has only ever wanted the best for you.
p.s. I hope you feel the same way.
Saturday, April 21, 2018
Progress Report 4-22-18
I left this blog alone because I thought it would be better not to have a way for my ex to check in with me or up on me. That was foolish. I mean, I've been journaling, and that's not foolish at all, keeping all my thoughts and feeling private, I suppose, still,
After 52 days of silence I texted him. Or I wanted to text him, I typed out his phone number and felt guilty. I told him I deleted his number. I did. I still remember it though. I remember when he gave it to the host at Bazbeaux pizza on our first date and how he copied the number wrong too! I felt bad texting him, for fear that he had gotten rid of my number as well and he wouldn't know it was me. So, I messaged him. I didn't message him because I wanted to talk to him. In fact, I wrote him a letter so I wouldn't have to talk to him but, the letter felt too formal. It was weird. It's been a weird week. It's been a weird 6 weeks honestly since my last post.
I messed up tonight. I went to his concert. I told my friends I really would prefer not to go since I fall in love with him every time I hear him sing. But today I realized, I'm never going to stop loving him in some capacity. I've been moving on, happily, but I don't think those feelings will ever go away. I'll always be happy for him and proud of him and want the best in life for him. And that's okay. He's not responsible for them. I am. And I don't mind feeling them. I don't mind being so incredibly overwhelmed by hearing his voice soaring above the others, or his successful arrangements bringing cheers from the crowd. I don't mind hearing breakup songs and seeing him look across the room to his new girlfriend. I care about him, and that's personal. It doesn't hurt to see him happy. It hurts that I can't talk to him and support him but I know I need to do that from a distance.
I've met so many great guys recently, all of them showing me that I can have my needs met so much better than my ex could. There are amazing guys out there who like me for me. I actually was convinced that I met my soul mate about 3 weeks ago. He was really cool. But, he is still in love with someone else. Even though I thought about my ex a LOT while I was with him, I spoke to Pam last weekend about how natural it is to think about previous experiences with love as someone starts to take down your walls and allow you safety and vulnerability. I'm a little pissed that he insisted on trying to break down my walls and then he told me he didn't want to see me anymore, but it was never serious.
I am so glad I'm not in a serious relationship. I'm so glad I get to be selfish. I get to spend time with my friends. I'm really incredibly happy. I had one of the best weeks of my life. I was funded money to travel and present research at conferences next year! I got to sing and record and produce some music with Hollyann and Margo. I have played so much Euchre and hung out in the sun for so long all week. I've just had a truly marvelous time in spite of boy drama. And it's not worth it!
Still, I keep wondering if I should tell my ex I'll be around this summer if he wants to talk. I saw that his brother is now dating the girl who broke up with him in October and I had a small hope in my chest for the first time in a long time that we can truly grow and change over extended periods of time apart from one another and we could find our way together again, perhaps not to date, but be close, or maybe not even close, just pleasant or friendly. But I'm done trying. I know I've grown and I'm still growing, and I want to grow more.
If I didn't like his girlfriend so much I would have said something. But I respect her and she's sweet and I can't possibly say anything that might be too threatening like "hey, I've been thinking and I want to talk." I can't give him the letter. I just can write here and hope he's getting curious about what's going on with me.
In anycase...
Dear Ex boyfriend: I'm here. I want to talk. If you want to talk to me, please do. I miss you. A lot. I shouldn't. But I do. Pam misses her highschool boyfriend. Hell, I miss my highschool boyfriend. I looked Ben up on facebook actually. He is doing well. He looks really good. Do you like my bangs? I cut them myself actually! It's nice to not facebook stalk him and get mad. You're still blocked on facebook so I don't see anything that would make me mad... (to be perfectly honest, I had to block your girlfriend too because she was the more dangerous source of discomfort. I do really really like her and I am happy for you guys, but I can't handle it right now)
I've written to you a lot. There's a group Rowan got me listening to, Juke Box the Ghost and they have a song called "When the Nights Get Long" all about writing letters to make things better. Great rhyme honestly, but the whole break up concept on the album made me think of you. I've just been thinking about you a whole lot. And that's good. It's not bad. I'm not stuck in those feelings. I push forward, acknowledging them, but I won't drag you into them. I think that's the best course of action honestly. I don't know, maybe not. I don't know. Ahh! It's not my job to think about what's best for you anymore, it's what's best for me. And I broke my silence to be considerate of your feelings. God I hate that I'm like this!
I just knew it surprised and upset me to see you at Dr. Plenty's recital earlier this month. You freaked me out so bad. I was shaking and weak and I'm feeling symptomatic again just remembering how uncomfortable you made me feel up there. Goodness! It threw me for such a loop since I had met a boy the previous week. He was incredible. This is the soulmate I mentioned. I really really liked him actually. I'm disappointed it wasn't going to work out, but the thing was, I saw you at Dr. Plenty's recital and you were all I could think about, not this incredible guy I just met. And that entire week I considered going to your jazz concert, and the opera, and other things to support you and speak to you and be close to you. Still, I stayed away. I'm not wanted. My friend told me months ago while we were studying at the library: "if a guy wants to be in your life they'll let you know" and so based on your silence I know that I'm not. You don't look at me, or ask about me, you're moving on too.
I'm proud of us. I hope you're proud too. We rock and we're handling this as well as I think we can. Maybe, I hope. I'm not. I'm trying to. It's a process and it's only been four months, so damn it it'll be okay. What's hardest for me now though thinking ahead, is that I first told you that I loved you in a few weeks. It was the first week of May last year. Between the time we stopped speaking this year, and the semester will end, will have been 70 days. Last year I fell in love with you in just under 100 days. That's crazy to me. And we were only together for 300. So, that said, I've taken over 150 days now to try to get over you and I haven't. Love is so fucking powerful. I can't even begin to describe the way it changed me as a person. I hope it changed you. For the better. I hope. ...
I'm proud of us. I hope you're proud too. We rock and we're handling this as well as I think we can. Maybe, I hope. I'm not. I'm trying to. It's a process and it's only been four months, so damn it it'll be okay. What's hardest for me now though thinking ahead, is that I first told you that I loved you in a few weeks. It was the first week of May last year. Between the time we stopped speaking this year, and the semester will end, will have been 70 days. Last year I fell in love with you in just under 100 days. That's crazy to me. And we were only together for 300. So, that said, I've taken over 150 days now to try to get over you and I haven't. Love is so fucking powerful. I can't even begin to describe the way it changed me as a person. I hope it changed you. For the better. I hope. ...
Sunday, March 11, 2018
Progress Report 3-11-18
"I needed some distance from you because I needed to leave some emotional baggage [behind], and you knew me better than anyone else. I didn't want to face certain truths about myself. But at a certain point, I recognized that you had developed into a different person, and I had developed into a different person, and all of a sudden, it hit me that I really missed you and I wanted to be vulnerable with you again."Last summer I was so hurt that Elissa and I didn't speak until the last week. But I also stopped caring so much about trying to make things work with her. I was so completely irritated when she asked to drive around with me that August night before school started, but also relieved. I could tell she felt guilty that I had been a patient, caring, and loyal friend, even when she gave me the cold shoulder. But I also had learned to put less stock in someone who was not available in my life. I wonder about what position my ex will occupy in my life.
Last night, when I was out with Maria and Jessica, Maria said she reached out to her high school boyfriend and he told her it wasn't a good idea to get that started back up again between them, and she agreed. She was ready for something new, and her memories and old life were stifling her. I think my ex has done a good job of showing me we both need something new. But everywhere I see him and I think about him. I poured myself apple juice into a large purple cup today and thought about how he drank Dr. Pepper from it on hot summer afternoons in my basement. He'd bring the entire bottle down and fill the cup to the brim again and again.
I think he's scared to be my friend because he associates me with emotional baggage he's not ready to unpack. I think he recognized that I knew him better than anyone else ever had. I want for him to grow and be different. I want the world for him. And I want, one day, for him to really miss me and want to be vulnerable with me again. As we both grow and change, we will always have an undeniable history. We may be different people one day, and I'm working towards that growth every day. And I'll be waiting, and ready to reintroduce myself to him.
Jessica was a mess last night after the party. --Aside: I think it's so interesting that Jessica, Maria, and Elissa, some of my oldest friends, have all been able to help me this week cope with the fresh pains of losing one of my best friends for what may be forever.-- She was drunk and very anxious about what might happen if she and her boyfriend Jack were to break up since he has expressed that he doesn't maintain contact with any of his exes. I broke down and cried with her in the car. I told her, "Yeah it is shitty to lose your best friend and be nothing to them. Yeah it is shitty to think so incredibly highly of someone and to have hoped you'd always share a special connection and to know that there is nothing connecting you, you are just two souls floating in different universes." I was a mess too I guess. The thing was though, in order to comfort her after my outburst I said, "but I have amazing friends who take me to a cappella parties that are Shrek and meme themed when I feel sad. And I have amazing friends who will finger paint and sing Dear Evan Hansen music with me and cuddle underneath my electric and weighted blankets with me. I have amazing friends that are helping me get through all of the heart ache that I feel. And even though every day is a battle. I'm getting through it. My world didn't end when that relationship did. I'm getting through it. And you can too."
I am getting through this. Every day it hurts a little less. I almost texted him tonight to let him know, whenever he felt like he missed me, he shouldn't be scared to drop me a line. But I didn't. Because I'm not ready for that yet either. I need to stop putting stock and emotional support into someone who is emotionally unavailable to me. I don't need to make him feel guilty about his ambivalence while I still care. I choose to care. I don't have to. I could save myself a lot of strife. But I love myself more than I love him. And that's the biggest, most important take away from the entire break up. It's not a question of whether or not I'll love someone else more someday, it's whether or not I love myself more today. And today I do.
Thursday, March 8, 2018
Progress Report 3-8-18
Friends,
How do you avoid someone? The fishbowl that is Butler has made it ever so hard to stay away from my ex and it is ultimately unpleasant in every capacity. I saw him going to dinner with a girl last night. A girl who I knew. He seemed happy. It was heart breaking to see them together, because I feel like I'm always running into him when he's happy and doing fine and I never am.
It has been 3 months since the break up now, and I'm still a total mess, just being honest. It's okay for me to still be a mess. I keep invalidating my own personal feelings in order to "change my mindset" but I am only lying to myself. Realizing this, I ask myself what I'm going to do. I have stopped inconveniencing him with my feelings, and he has stopped inconveniencing me by pretending to care about them. That said, I can't figure out if that choice to sever contact was because I felt like I was doing him more harm, or if I felt harmed. This is best, but I don't like it.
What you want and you need are usually the same, but today I know they're different. I know the best thing that happened to me this year was our breakup. Still, I love him. I want the world to be kind to him. I want him to feel love, the love I know someone else will give him one day. It doesn't have to come from me. Because right now, I don't feel capable of giving love to anyone. I am happy that I am single right now. I'm growing, I'm developing, I'm working on myself in ways I never would have before. And that's what this progress report helps me realize. The more I talk honestly and openly about my feelings, the more I realize that I'm going to be okay. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
***Adendum:
Personally, as a woman, not a scorned ex girlfriend or a friend, but as a woman, I don't believe my ex should be dating anyone. He can not compromise himself. That was the big issue. He doesn't want to be held back from anything. So, if that's how he feels, and what he wants, for the sake of all women, it's simply unfair to date someone you have no intention of caring for deeply. It is a sign of loneliness and insecurity and a disservice to men. Be better ex boyfriend. For God's sake. Be better. Not just for me, or for all women either. Be better for yourself.
How do you avoid someone? The fishbowl that is Butler has made it ever so hard to stay away from my ex and it is ultimately unpleasant in every capacity. I saw him going to dinner with a girl last night. A girl who I knew. He seemed happy. It was heart breaking to see them together, because I feel like I'm always running into him when he's happy and doing fine and I never am.
It has been 3 months since the break up now, and I'm still a total mess, just being honest. It's okay for me to still be a mess. I keep invalidating my own personal feelings in order to "change my mindset" but I am only lying to myself. Realizing this, I ask myself what I'm going to do. I have stopped inconveniencing him with my feelings, and he has stopped inconveniencing me by pretending to care about them. That said, I can't figure out if that choice to sever contact was because I felt like I was doing him more harm, or if I felt harmed. This is best, but I don't like it.
What you want and you need are usually the same, but today I know they're different. I know the best thing that happened to me this year was our breakup. Still, I love him. I want the world to be kind to him. I want him to feel love, the love I know someone else will give him one day. It doesn't have to come from me. Because right now, I don't feel capable of giving love to anyone. I am happy that I am single right now. I'm growing, I'm developing, I'm working on myself in ways I never would have before. And that's what this progress report helps me realize. The more I talk honestly and openly about my feelings, the more I realize that I'm going to be okay. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
***Adendum:
Personally, as a woman, not a scorned ex girlfriend or a friend, but as a woman, I don't believe my ex should be dating anyone. He can not compromise himself. That was the big issue. He doesn't want to be held back from anything. So, if that's how he feels, and what he wants, for the sake of all women, it's simply unfair to date someone you have no intention of caring for deeply. It is a sign of loneliness and insecurity and a disservice to men. Be better ex boyfriend. For God's sake. Be better. Not just for me, or for all women either. Be better for yourself.
Tuesday, February 27, 2018
Progress Report 2-27-18
Dear Ex boyfriend:
A month ago I told you that I wanted to be friends. I can't do this anymore. I really want to be a positive force in both your life and mine, but we are not friends. You did not wish me a happy birthday, and for that reason I am hurt. I am also hurt by your lack of effort. And so I am angry. Today when we met to take a walk I was pleasantly surprised by our matching floral shirts and jean jackets and jeans combination, and I was pleased by our silence. I was happy to just be around you. Still, the play doh in my hands never rested. I was constantly kneading it because I needed it to calm my nerves. Today I wanted to tell you that we weren't friends. But I had trouble letting go.
I wanted to know that I could try, and that it could work if we wanted it to. But you do not give me anything of value to look forward to in a friendship. I want to sit and watch youtube videos, or drive around and sing with you. I want to stay up late at night and ask you about the stars and life away from this earth. You were so much more to me than a boyfriend. You were my best friend, and you were my best friend because we could talk about anything. Now I say nothing. I didn't tell you about the tattoo I've considered getting, or the way I want to cut my hair. I didn't say anything about my dinner tomorrow night with a man who may very well influence my career for the rest of my life. I didn't because, even though these are incredible events, I didn't feel compelled to compete with you. I tried to figure out if you were hurting too, or if there's something you wanted to say behind your words. If there was something there behind the silences, but I think ultimately we've run out of things to say to one another. I miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss the things we used to do every day. I know we can have that again if we try. But that's the difference between moving on, and growth.
I don't think moving on from a relationship means you're stronger. I think moving on from a relationship allows you to feel settled with problems that could have been solved if you stayed. I wanted to be friends so I could improve on the things that I should for the next relationship and I don't believe that two people need to fall out of love and be distant with one another. I don't feel like that has to be the case. You can still care and value one another and put in the same kind of effort-- but Pam says, that effort has to be reserved for when you're married. So where do I channel my effort now? Civility.
We aren't friends. I wish we were or we could be. But I am too hurt by you and too angry with you to be your friend in any way right now. I love you and I forgive you for the break up. But forgiveness, as I have learned, does not need to hurt me in the process. Now I choose to love myself and "erase myself from the narrative." I refuse to be a comet who comes only into orbit to remind you of why you are wrong and why you have hurt me. From here on out I will be a star who shines with love from afar and constantly wants to support you.
I do love you. I loved you every moment of the concerts this past weekend, and I loved you on my birthday last Tuesday when you did not say a word to me. I am done telling you that I love you. I just want you to know that. I want you to know that I love you and always will, but trying to be friends with you has made me hate you for everything that you never will be and for everything that you could.
Be your best, kick some ass, have the best life. And when you look up at the stars at night, think about me. Think about how happy I am for you that the world is brighter and more beautiful and that your future is unlimited. If you want to reach out and tell me about any of those things too, please do. That's what a friend is for. And I so desperately want to be your friend, but I feel no friendship. I only feel reservation and hesitation.You may not recognize that you put this forward, but your courtesy is not friendship. I think we are both hoping a genuine friendship comes out of it but I don't believe it can or will. I will continue to love and support you on every step of your journey. I'll come to every show and performance and wish you well, in my head.
I miss you and I love you more than I wish I did, but I need to say goodbye to you and this is so hard. I told you it would be hard to be friends with you, but that the hardest things are the most worth having. Tonight I say goodbye and it's even harder to let go of this illusion that we can hold onto each other. But that's what it is, an illusion. We're going to grow up and have already begun growing apart. Even so, I wish you the best of luck and so much happiness. Please remember how much you mean to me when you see me in the dining hall, or clapping at the end of a concert. Please remember that I'll always be your #2 fan (because how can I compete with your mom). Please remember that I will never give up on you or your dreams and that you can do anything. Please remember that this is the hardest goodbye I've ever made. Because how do you say goodbye to someone you love? Really? Truly? Forever? We have tried and tried and failed time and time again to evade this reality. But that's why it's called reality. Thank you for teaching me so much about animals, and music. Thank you for truly making me laugh. Thank you for encouraging me to try new foods, and to be vulnerable with someone. I wanted to learn from you and with you every day. I wanted to love you every day. But I can't anymore. If you aren't cringing reading this I hope you're crying. I hope you feel the dropping sensation in your stomach because this is actually the end. I hope every positive step towards recovery that you've made has fallen out from under you and your heart is sinking. Because that's how I feel in this moment.
I'm in a place now where things will go back to "normal" tomorrow, because we don't talk every day, or every week, or ever really. Tomorrow I'll wake up and your phone number (which I still have memorized) will be erased from my phone and I'll hate myself for finally remembering the last two digits are a 4 and a 9. Tomorrow I'll go to my classes and then to a sound check for Dr. Willingham's lecture. Then I'll go out to dinner and be my charming self for a few hours and for a fraction of a second feel happy. But when I come home after the talk is done, and I sit staring at my computer screen and social psychology notes I will feel sad because the one person I want to see at the end of the day I never will see again. Saying goodbye means that I will be sad. But at least I won't be angry anymore.
I wrote you several poems while we were together, but I think the best one I've ever written about you was written after we broke up. Once upon a time, when I thought it was possible, I wanted to ask you to turn it into a song with me because I thought it was a work of genius. Now I see it for what it is: angry. I am letting go of this anger now, but I want to share the poem still.
My burn wound from the curling iron is no longer hot to the touch. It is still red, but the skin is mostly healed. I think it's time I do the same with my heart. Goodbye, ex boyfriend.
A month ago I told you that I wanted to be friends. I can't do this anymore. I really want to be a positive force in both your life and mine, but we are not friends. You did not wish me a happy birthday, and for that reason I am hurt. I am also hurt by your lack of effort. And so I am angry. Today when we met to take a walk I was pleasantly surprised by our matching floral shirts and jean jackets and jeans combination, and I was pleased by our silence. I was happy to just be around you. Still, the play doh in my hands never rested. I was constantly kneading it because I needed it to calm my nerves. Today I wanted to tell you that we weren't friends. But I had trouble letting go.
I wanted to know that I could try, and that it could work if we wanted it to. But you do not give me anything of value to look forward to in a friendship. I want to sit and watch youtube videos, or drive around and sing with you. I want to stay up late at night and ask you about the stars and life away from this earth. You were so much more to me than a boyfriend. You were my best friend, and you were my best friend because we could talk about anything. Now I say nothing. I didn't tell you about the tattoo I've considered getting, or the way I want to cut my hair. I didn't say anything about my dinner tomorrow night with a man who may very well influence my career for the rest of my life. I didn't because, even though these are incredible events, I didn't feel compelled to compete with you. I tried to figure out if you were hurting too, or if there's something you wanted to say behind your words. If there was something there behind the silences, but I think ultimately we've run out of things to say to one another. I miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss the things we used to do every day. I know we can have that again if we try. But that's the difference between moving on, and growth.
I don't think moving on from a relationship means you're stronger. I think moving on from a relationship allows you to feel settled with problems that could have been solved if you stayed. I wanted to be friends so I could improve on the things that I should for the next relationship and I don't believe that two people need to fall out of love and be distant with one another. I don't feel like that has to be the case. You can still care and value one another and put in the same kind of effort-- but Pam says, that effort has to be reserved for when you're married. So where do I channel my effort now? Civility.
We aren't friends. I wish we were or we could be. But I am too hurt by you and too angry with you to be your friend in any way right now. I love you and I forgive you for the break up. But forgiveness, as I have learned, does not need to hurt me in the process. Now I choose to love myself and "erase myself from the narrative." I refuse to be a comet who comes only into orbit to remind you of why you are wrong and why you have hurt me. From here on out I will be a star who shines with love from afar and constantly wants to support you.
I do love you. I loved you every moment of the concerts this past weekend, and I loved you on my birthday last Tuesday when you did not say a word to me. I am done telling you that I love you. I just want you to know that. I want you to know that I love you and always will, but trying to be friends with you has made me hate you for everything that you never will be and for everything that you could.
Be your best, kick some ass, have the best life. And when you look up at the stars at night, think about me. Think about how happy I am for you that the world is brighter and more beautiful and that your future is unlimited. If you want to reach out and tell me about any of those things too, please do. That's what a friend is for. And I so desperately want to be your friend, but I feel no friendship. I only feel reservation and hesitation.You may not recognize that you put this forward, but your courtesy is not friendship. I think we are both hoping a genuine friendship comes out of it but I don't believe it can or will. I will continue to love and support you on every step of your journey. I'll come to every show and performance and wish you well, in my head.
I miss you and I love you more than I wish I did, but I need to say goodbye to you and this is so hard. I told you it would be hard to be friends with you, but that the hardest things are the most worth having. Tonight I say goodbye and it's even harder to let go of this illusion that we can hold onto each other. But that's what it is, an illusion. We're going to grow up and have already begun growing apart. Even so, I wish you the best of luck and so much happiness. Please remember how much you mean to me when you see me in the dining hall, or clapping at the end of a concert. Please remember that I'll always be your #2 fan (because how can I compete with your mom). Please remember that I will never give up on you or your dreams and that you can do anything. Please remember that this is the hardest goodbye I've ever made. Because how do you say goodbye to someone you love? Really? Truly? Forever? We have tried and tried and failed time and time again to evade this reality. But that's why it's called reality. Thank you for teaching me so much about animals, and music. Thank you for truly making me laugh. Thank you for encouraging me to try new foods, and to be vulnerable with someone. I wanted to learn from you and with you every day. I wanted to love you every day. But I can't anymore. If you aren't cringing reading this I hope you're crying. I hope you feel the dropping sensation in your stomach because this is actually the end. I hope every positive step towards recovery that you've made has fallen out from under you and your heart is sinking. Because that's how I feel in this moment.
I'm in a place now where things will go back to "normal" tomorrow, because we don't talk every day, or every week, or ever really. Tomorrow I'll wake up and your phone number (which I still have memorized) will be erased from my phone and I'll hate myself for finally remembering the last two digits are a 4 and a 9. Tomorrow I'll go to my classes and then to a sound check for Dr. Willingham's lecture. Then I'll go out to dinner and be my charming self for a few hours and for a fraction of a second feel happy. But when I come home after the talk is done, and I sit staring at my computer screen and social psychology notes I will feel sad because the one person I want to see at the end of the day I never will see again. Saying goodbye means that I will be sad. But at least I won't be angry anymore.
I wrote you several poems while we were together, but I think the best one I've ever written about you was written after we broke up. Once upon a time, when I thought it was possible, I wanted to ask you to turn it into a song with me because I thought it was a work of genius. Now I see it for what it is: angry. I am letting go of this anger now, but I want to share the poem still.
Molted
I called him
Lizard at first as a joke
Because he
wore a coat, a fur lined coat, on a sixty-degree day.
I called him
Lizard because of his wide set, expectant, eyes and the way he blinked several
times when I got his attention.
I called him
Lizard because of the sounds he slurped with the flicking of his tongue when he
ran out of words, which was unbearably often.
But he told me
that he loved me and I believed him.
As they
mature, lizards shed their skin, and slowly
We became naked
together.
We basked in
the heat of that moment.
It burned the
soft skin on my neck so that it all peeled off and I was vulnerable just like
him
Except I
couldn’t grow scales that would harden and protect me from
When December
came and his feet went cold.
Growing new skin itches.
I try to
conceal the scar and let my flesh grow back stronger and tougher
But I scratch
it again and again
Because
ultimately my open wound tells a story
And I would
rather have scabs than scales.
My burn wound from the curling iron is no longer hot to the touch. It is still red, but the skin is mostly healed. I think it's time I do the same with my heart. Goodbye, ex boyfriend.
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