Progress Report 5-31-18: Sometimes You Gotta Have Faith

New Girl is honestly one of the funniest shows I've ever watched. I find this unexpected because it was the favorite T.V. show of my first boyfriend. Everything associated with that relationship I painted over with a thick coat of lacquer and the opinion that, "if Jonah liked it, it's probably over rated." That's how I felt about Marvel Movies, and Green Day, and New Girl.

Well, tonight I watched Avengers Infinity War and I have to tell you, even though Jonah liked it, WAY too much, I liked it a lot too. Green Day, you know isn't the greatest band in the world, but my God I will sing along to American Idiot's Soundtrack all the live long day. And New Girl, when I'm alone tucked underneath my weighted blanket in a dank room in resco which I never fully settled into, will make me laugh until I cry harder than even How I Met Your Mother. I am Jessica Day, hello, her life's calling is to be a middle school vice principal, she makes goofy voices and role plays with inanimate objects, and she strives to be happy and positive in all avenues of life and love. She's dorky and embarrassing beyond belief to everyone else, but Jessica lives purposefully and intentionally. Moreover, the cast of characters of her insane roommates, Coach, Winston, Schmidt, and Nick all remind me of Spencer and Jenna. They're really good friends. I miss sitting up with them late at night overlooking the firepits and the fairy lights and joking about everything and anything while listening to The City. Speaking of which!!!! THE 1975 HAS A NEW SONG RELEASED TODAY AND I'M SO EXCITED TO LISTEN TO IT. I haven't yet because my entire drive home was dedicated the The Last Five Years soundtrack, but, still, I know what I'm doing tomorrow.

I'm home right now because I completed my first of the three summer classes today. I was so beyond stressed. Whenever I have a presentation I panic. And of course it didn't help that right before I got up there I got a little groupme notification. Hello ex boyfriend! Once more, welcome back to my life, I really didn't know what to say to you, so forgive me, I was really nervous and preoccupied with something else. In any case, my teacher thought the presentation was really good, even if my standards for myself were much higher than hers. That's the rub of being a truly gifted student, you can't settle.

I'm so done settling in every aspect of my life. I'm done being complacent. I've been working out for an hour everyday, drinking water, eating well and cooking frequently! I've been doing my assignments with diligence, I've been reading, my piano skills are coming along very well. I'm doing great! I won't settle for anything less than great. I spent all last summer depressed on the floor of my living room in between shifts at Applebees waiting for someone else to make me happy. I hate that girl. She's Cathy from the Last Five Years. This Summer is Going to be different. I'm going to do everything I can to make it extraordinary. I've learned how to love myself in a way I never had before so now I want to celebrate her.

Ellen is an incredible human being and she is going to live an incredible life.

It always surprises me when other people recognize that, people like Becki at work, Dr. Esteves in class, Dr. Hunter in Resco, Dr. Martin, Dr. Bohannon, and Carol Montgomery in the psych office. So many people believe in me and see my greatness and every time I have an interaction with one of these esteemed adults I see my reflection in their praise, not an imposter, but truly me. I don't mean to brag, I'm just ecstatic. I've done something right, something well.

In my assessments course that I just completed we talked about the dangers of placing your worth in grades. For a long time that's who I was. I was smart and only smart. And then I came to college and I got to be smart and kind. But now, I'm whole in a way I've never felt before. I sing always. I smile always. I feel twenty pounds lighter. I feel light years faster. I can feel again. Life isn't a laundry list of problems I need to solve, life is a laundry list of opportunities I can select from. I've never wanted to do laundry more. I've never wanted to pull out of the dryer a crisp blue blouse with lace embroidery more than I do tonight, right now, laying on grey carpet with a cat purring beside me.

Celebrate Ellen with me! Thank you to everyone who has always known what I have to offer the world. Thank you for believing in me when I didn't believe in myself. Thank you for the faith you had in me that I would be okay, and better than okay.

Progress Report 5-28-18: Visits from Friends

This weekend Jenna and Spencer came for a visit and it was so wonderful to see them. It's only been three weeks since we were last all together so we didn't have a lot of catching up to do. Still in three weeks you truly miss someone. We ate brunch on race day and as I flew down 65S Jenna joked we crash the 500 because my car would totally win. She was just really excited to see her boyfriend, I guess. We also hung out around Mass Ave and had some coffee for a few hours. I've been weaning myself off coffee lately because it has made my anxiety so bad, but one glass over the course of three hours on a hot day was perfect.

I got to do some homework when Spencer and Jenna went to go see their boyfriends, and I got a lot done. I motivated myself to finish so that I could get back to the pianos in Lilly. I've been teaching myself how to play some basic chords recently. I've always wanted to, and I got started with it back in February-- but then I didn't have any time to get into Lilly when music students weren't practicing.

These days during the dinner hour I'm the only one inside the building so I get to sing as loudly as I want to and play my favorite piano. Music fills me in a way that exercising doesn't. When I exercise I am not creating anything. I still enjoy it, but I won't spend hours on it the way time disappears and flies by when I'm singing.

After a few hours George got off work and we all met up in Broad Ripple. It was a little after 9:30 and the afterglow was fading pretty rapidly. We sat along the Monon in this wooden gazeebo with a few old chairs and visited for a while. Music emptied into the street from Books and Brew and the rainbow lights La Piedad glimmered on the pavement. The evening atmosphere hung heavy on our arms and in our lungs as we began to talk about our upcoming road trip to visit Jenna for her birthday. I'm so excited to go to Michigan. I've never been. I've also never road tripped with friends further than a day's drive away. We still aren't really sure when or where we're going, but this will be the best summer yet.

George brought something up last night that I want to reflect on. A girl he dated in high school texted him recently. He was so uncomfortable he didn't respond. He described the long text from Lauren while Spencer was nestled up to him smoking on her Jule. George explained that of course he wants the best for his ex, but he has zero desire to be an active part in her life. "All the best to her, but honestly I don't care" he said taking a swig of beer that Spencer had tucked away in her purse. I felt guilty. Of course I want my ex to live his life and all the best for him. And honestly, I don't need to be a part of his life, but I want him to be a part of mine. I began to ask George questions about how he felt after receiving the message and he was only flustered and confused. I took a sigh and shared with my closest friends what I had done and awaited their cruel judgment. But they only had supportive things to say.  They're happy for me, and proud of me. They told me I didn't need to be embarrassed and that even if it's dorky to tuck a note under a windshield wiper, it was fairly mature.

I am so grateful to have friends like them in my life. They want the best for me. They encourage me. We give each other advice. I sometimes feel a little awkward still, Spencer and Jenna will joke around and then I couldn't keep up with the conversation so I'll interject something like "I'm bleeding" or "DOG!" so I feel included in the conversation, but I think I'm finally mastering how to interact in group dynamics. I get a little preachy sometimes when I talk too long, so I appreciate that we don't get into anything like that. I also don't fill my teacher role and try to solve problems. I just listen and ask questions. They've given me so much love and freedom to experiment with my identity and who I want to be as a healthy friend or person.

I really love my friends. I love sitting in a van and listening to the top gun theme as the sun sets on the river. I love getting big red lipstick kisses on my cheek from Jenna when she drops me off at Resco.

Effie asked me a few nights ago if I liked myself at the moment. I told her I liked myself more than I ever had. I think she's still struggling in a lot of ways. I love her and want what's best for her, but this semester because of Jenna and Spencer, but also my breakups with friends and boyfriends, I've learned that I don't have to take care of people. They can take care of themselves, and it's my job to take care of me. And since I've started doing that, I am so incredibly happy.

The Last 5 Years, Summer in the City and Finding Happiness

Can we just talk about how amazing the music from The Last Five Years is?

Seriously, I've been listening to it nonstop for 20 hours. Andrew recommended it to me back in February, but it's only just now on Netflix. I've actually watched it twice.

Last week I was all about Spring Awakening. I allocated time to journal how I felt about all the numbers and the show overall, because I wanted to remember my first impressions of it.

Even though I'd never seen this film adaptation or heard the music from the last five years, I didn't feel like I needed to record my impressions because the story is so familiar. It feels like I'm watching my story. The most special moment was when I was listening to the soundtrack after taking my wisdom teeth medicine and I heard the music to "I'm Still Hurting" in the bridge of "Things are Moving too Fast." Essentially, like I read in my journal yesterday, the characters in this movie anticipated there being problems later on in their romance. The same thing happens when Cathy takes Jamie to meet her parents  during "I Can Do Better Than That" and she uses lyrics from "I'm Still Smiling" stating she wanted miles and piles of him but later she is exhausted by the miles and piles of him.  I'm sure there are many other moments of brilliance in this soundtrack but those resonated with me.

I came across this movie because since I moved into Resco I decided I needed to date myself.
Lucy and I had all of these fun summer plans for going and hanging out in broadripple and having adventures while we lived together. Just because she moved back home doesn't mean I have to give up on those things! I'm running every day in a different area of campus or the city and listing to so many different bands and artists. I'm trying a lot of new restaurants and taking pictures of everything! The world is so beautiful and those snapshots reminds me that there's beauty in everything and being alone allows me to pace myself, take my time, and not rush to catch up with anyone. I feel safe and confident taking my strolls with my big floppy hat and sunglasses down the canal. Among these date yourself activities are things like going to museums and gardens and coffee shops, dressing up and doing your makeup just to celebrate yourself and not to impress anyone else. I'm going to concerts in the area and discovering so many fun things to do when you're young and thriving in an urban area. Next summer will be even better!

Last night I was going to see a movie with Jenna and Spencer. That plan fell through because Spencer weren't able to make it into town like she said. She's not coming till Sunday now, even though Jenna is here. I was really hurt and disappointed. That's sort of a pattern with me. I'm really happy and confident being on my own when I know I'm going to be and when I want to be. But with my friends and people I assume care about me, cancelled plans hurt. I tried to make the best of it though, and ultimately I found The Last Five Years since it worked out. That's the beauty of being in a healthy state of mind. For the first time in such a long time I see the bright side. I don't feel like I'm dragging an albatross from my neck. I'm just free and single and happy! I feel like sunshine.

I feel like the brightest most brilliant yellow you've ever seen riding in the back of a red convertible down a cliffside highway out west with a scarf trailing from my head of shimmering stars. Yes, I did just hit a power-up on mario kart and describe dmyself as that feeling.  I'm just happy and this musical was something that was important to me so I wanted to share!

Welcome Back

Dear Ex boyfriend:

Glad you got the note and were curious. I don't really get to know if you're reading this or not, but I just wanted this to be the first thing you saw if you did.

I wrote to you that I wasn't angry, and I'm not. As you will see in the following posts there isn't a lot of anger in here. Most of my friends would also attest that I'm pretty good these days actually. Obviously, as any recovery process would have it, there are good days and there are bad days. I've mostly been writing on the bad days because that's when I need the most support from my loved ones and I need a creative outlet.

There are some pretty cringe-worthy things on here, it is deeply personal, please remember that. The point is, I shouldn't be embarrassed by these feelings. They're valid. But, (though this is not a trigger warning) they may be uncomfortable for you to read. If we think back to the last time we talked you said that it made you uncomfortable when I said I considered you family. A lot of the following posts have content similar to that. I do describe the ways I care about you and that I miss you and that's going to make you uncomfortable because chances are, you haven't thought about me much at all so it's a bit of a surprise to have such intense emotion still on this end. I think the greatest closure I got today was rewriting my old journal entries, not just reading them. In that I found how deeply unhappy I had been and due to Effort Justification Theory, (I learned about this in social psychology) of course I would try justify being in an unhappy relationship by intensifying my emotions. That's not a very good explanation of the theory, but you should look it up! There are some great youtube videos by, the lovely, you guessed it: HANK GREEN, and you know, more noteable scientists and professors.

I'm sorry. You aren't responsible for the choices I made or how I felt. So there are definitely some happy posts thrown in here and there, but so that you don't have to go through the burden of sorting through my PAST emotions (even if they are recent past) and inner conflicts I kind of wanted to bring you up to speed on what's really truly good! See my Progress Report 5-6-18. It kind of serves as an overview of my semester, the people I spend time with, the things I'm doing etc. It also is a reintroduction because, like I said in the letter, there are weird parts of me that reflect the me I was when we knew eachother, but that's all they are, reflections.

That's why I want to reconnect, I feel like I'm an incredibly different person. But, the reason why we couldn't be real friends earlier this year was because our expectations were incompatible. It might drive her crazy, but your girlfriend kind of showed me that there's this weird middle ground you can have with people. I really like her. I always have! I'm so glad that you have each other! But the thing is, she and I haven't ever acknowledged the fact that you and I dated and you and her currently do. We're really pleasant and kind but we're not friends. I don't know her at all really but I want to. And it's that wanting to know someone and wanting to make a positive impression on them without being too vulnerable or too trusting that has inspired me to do this.

I recently was crafting, as I do to relax, and I came across a quote on pinterest that also helped me realize, the important people in your life are timeless. You may go through periods where you're close, and not as close, and that's okay, so long as when you come back together it's like nothing has changed. Obviously, a lot has changed for us, and maybe it's selfish for me to say, but, I really hope that we can be timeless. I've been living in memories for six months and though I don't think about you a lot, when I do, I always am tempted to say something. So now I am. There is no pressure to read or respond. Take your time, I won't know that you have read this or my letter and I'll just keep living my life and you keep living yours and maybe someday we'll come back together again.

I feel a little foolish about leaving the word search on your windshield but I wanted to get your attention. I know I said I wouldn't try or contact you or reach out. And I've tried not to because I want to respect your need for distance. But I have no idea how to handle break ups, so I'm experimenting. I always said I was experimenting on you :)

Oh and this is really dumb, but for like actual updates on what I'm doing that is unrelated to my "progress" in regards to the break up and my emotional growth, my instagram is public, the one whose handle is "lns_world."

But I'll post one more time with some stories I want to share too :)
I'm so ready for this blog to return to happy things,
it's called Finding Happiness Afterall

Best wishes, and thank you for reading,
it means a lot!
E.

Progress Report 5-6-18

Dear Ex Boyfriend,

Tonight I stayed up with Spencer, George and Jenna and said my final goodbyes (and by final I mean for 30 days until we road trip Michigan together!). These names mean nothing to you, but these are some of my best friends.

In the first version of this letter I said, "Jenna and Spencer may not be people I tell everything to" but that's a lie. They hear the good, the bad, the gross. I can't express how much their friendships mean to me and I'm terrified of what I'm going to do without them next year. But I will treasure this semester. The semester Spencer snapped rubber bands at me everytime I said your name and Jenna saw me cry on the staircase after I saw you with Gabbie for the first time. I will treasure the night we took five pounds of modeling clay and made a trashwall in our room while listening to K-pop and watching episodes of Drake and Josh.

I will treasure our pottery dates and adventures hiking the hundred acre woods, downtown Indy for March for our Lives, and Eagle Creek. I will treasure the 1975 record and the LANY record that Jenna would play in the living room that George and Spencer slightly high and slightly buzzed would square dance to on the weird Saturday in March when we got snowed in.

They have taught me how to be happier and healthier this semester. Not just them, Rowan and Lucy have also been amazing girl friends to have.

I can't underestimate the joy Adam, Hollyann, and Margo have also brought.

I cried last night when I realized I'd never been so happy in my entire life. I have a wealth of experiences from our adventures. I've learned patience and tolerance. I've learned what it feels like to have people care about you without them being responsible for you. I also feel like I've learned how to love people in a healthier way. I did a lot of work. And it's true, you can't close yourself off from relationships in order to grow.

In my social psychology class we talked about how the self only exists in a social context. Without others we cannot be our true self. That was powerful for me to learn, because I think after you and I broke up I felt like I had to be self-sufficient and close my self off from others. I wanted to fix myself before I let anyone else in, but I opened my heart up to people eager and willing to care about me. I've never felt so lucky in my life. I'm sad that this era is ending, but I'm at peace with it.

I'm excited for my next chapter, living with Lucy this summer during our summer classes. I'm excited to experience Indy in a new way, with more freedom. I know I was dependent on you last summer because I didn't have anyone else around, but I don't think I'll ever feel that dependent on anyone else ever again. I have a strong support network throughout the city. The Kims are here and they are family, I also have Emily living here this summer who I can watch scary movies with and go drink Bubble Tea.

You haven't been part of my life for 10 weeks. In those 10 weeks I've rebuilt everything in my life and it's so strong and grounded in my faith and the pursuit of happiness. I know you've probably tried your best, and that it hasn't been that hard even, not to think of me but I want you to know that I'm really good! I hope you are too. I hope you've gotten to do all of the things you didn't get to do when we were together that you felt you couldn't. I hope you've gotten the help you needed. I hope your friends continue to bring out the best in you. Keep them close. If I've learned anything, it is the importance of friendships.

I did apply for the Fullbright, and I even got to interview it! I didn't earn the Fullbright but only 4 people in the entire country did get it. So, I'll take my summer classes, try to get ahead, and pursue research next summer. I actually won an amazing research grant to present in D.C. next May! There's an interview that I did with Butler's instagram that explains what I've been doing if you're curious. Next semester I'll be at Butler's lab school teaching Monday-Wednesday and I've never felt more prepared or called to be a teacher than I do right now. I'm ready. It was a struggle before, but now I know it'll be okay.

I think that's the crime of it all. I was going through a lot of personal problems when we dated and I'm sorry I put you through that. I'm sorry I didn't recognize how unhappy I actually was. I'm sorry I made you responsible for that. I'm sorry I used you to make me feel better and more secure. I don't anymore. Who's to say that if we were to meet now we'd even be romantically compatible, or even friends, but we don't get to know. The Ellen who lives and breathes today, May 6, 2018 is so different from the one you asked out February 2, 2017 or the one you broke up with last December. It doesn't matter to me what you think of her, but I've never been more in love with anyone in my life than I am with her.

I also need to apologize. The last thing I remember saying to you was that the best thing you could have done for me was break up with me. That was harsh, but I still believe that. I need to explain what I meant though, I've been watching LOVE, like you recommended and I think I was a bit of a LASA (Love and Sex Addict) like Mickey. I haven't been single for this long in six years, but I love being single. I like meeting new people and learning about myself and others and not being too serious.  I get to be serious about my dreams and my goals. That was all I wanted in college anyways! Now I get to be selfish about school and career and friends. Now I can be a dick and not consider others and I don't feel guilty. It's incredible honestly what a few months, a few books,  a few friends, and a few hours of counseling and youtube videos can do to change your attitude and perspective and more importantly your health. The foundation for a good relationship is being stable in self concept and I finally feel like I can handle that. I finally feel secure. I cannot stress enough how profoundly good I am doing. I'm beyond excited. I never would have believed that I would feel this good five months ago.

I stay up late, like tonight, writing to you pretty often. I don't know why I feel like I want to share my thoughts and feelings about the world with you still, but I do, and it surprises me all the time how much better I feel at the end of the day when I do. Missing you isn't a sign of unreadiness to move on though, it's a sign that I have moved on and can accept all of these memories. Pam and I were talking, and she said, 30 years later my mom still thinks about her high school boyfriend especially because Grace and I are at that age. Tom never did anything wrong, his plan for his life was just different than hers. That's why they can't be friends, she said. She loved him and he loved her, and there were no hard feelings, only feelings, and those can't be resolved no matter how much time passes. Whatever anger or sadness I feel, resolves quickly these days. I wish the same for you if you experience any of that.

Dear ex boyfriend, have a great summer. Please keep doing things you love. Please keep your friends close. Treat your girlfriend with respect, and if you love her, try to be better this time. Be better for her. Be better for yourself. Eat as much of your mom's food as you can. Grow peppers. See Rent in June when it's at Clowes. Avoid video games, try reading or picking up a new hobby or working hard to be better at voice. Go for long drives. Go fishing at your grandparents. Watch the Tony's. Plan a roadtrip out east to visit Avery, or convince James to go to Utah with you. Ride roller coasters. Write music. Drink milkshakes. See Emma and Ryan, and Becca and whoever else from that group who makes you smile. Try talking more. You are different today than you were when you graduated.

Speaking of different, I want you to have access to the last letter I wrote you:

"I know this girl you may like! Obviously you're dating someone now, and I know she's interested in someone else but you two would have a lot in common. I think you would appreciate her confidence, her intelligence, her self-assuredness. I think you'd find her pretty funny. She does the weird facial twitch you do where she moves her mouth to one side of her face and makes goofy faces on snapchat. Her snapchat is actually the bomb. She makes music videos at double time to all of these awesome songs that you probably know and like. On Saturday nights after she babysits she drives around downtown Indianapolis singing for another hour just to unwind. She does all sorts of wild and crazy exciting things like exploring the local music scene and adventuring into the woods to watch for owls. She falls asleep to Tedtalks and listens to podcasts when she goes on runs. She's constantly interested in learning more about the world. She's so curious and opinionated. She challenges herself and others to be better on occasion, but also has learned how to listen without offering unsolicited advice or criticism. She jokes kindly and often. She is kind to all but doesn't expect anything from them in return. I would really like for you to get to know this friend of mine, I know we didn't get along but I promise you'd be lucky to have her in your life. She's living in Indianapolis this summer, so if you have a chance, definitely give her a call. Ellen is pretty amazing. I know you'll be great friends."

Dear Ex boyfriend, take care of yourself,
Love, your ex girlfriend who has only ever wanted the best for you.

p.s. I hope you feel the same way.