Progress Report 2-27-18

Dear Ex boyfriend:

A month ago I told you that I wanted to be friends. I can't do this anymore. I really want to be a positive force in both your life and mine, but we are not friends. You did not wish me a happy birthday, and for that reason I am hurt. I am also hurt by your lack of effort. And so I am angry. Today when we met to take a walk I was pleasantly surprised by our matching floral shirts and jean jackets and jeans combination, and I was pleased by our silence. I was happy to just be around you. Still, the play doh in my hands never rested. I was constantly kneading it because I needed it to calm my nerves. Today I wanted to tell you that we weren't friends. But I had trouble letting go.

I wanted to know that I could try, and that it could work if we wanted it to. But you do not give me anything of value to look forward to in a friendship. I want to sit and watch youtube videos, or drive around and sing with you. I want to stay up late at night and ask you about the stars and life away from this earth. You were so much more to me than a boyfriend. You were my best friend, and you were my best friend because we could talk about anything. Now I say nothing. I didn't tell you about the tattoo I've considered getting, or the way I want to cut my hair. I didn't say anything about my dinner tomorrow night with a man who may very well influence my career for the rest of my life. I didn't because, even though these are incredible events, I didn't feel compelled to compete with you. I tried to figure out if you were hurting too, or if there's something you wanted to say behind your words. If there was something there behind the silences, but I think ultimately we've run out of things to say to one another. I miss you. I miss talking to you. I miss the things we used to do every day. I know we can have that again if we try. But that's the difference between moving on, and growth.

I don't think moving on from a relationship means you're stronger. I think moving on from a relationship allows you to feel settled with problems that could have been solved if you stayed. I wanted to be friends so I could improve on the things that I should for the next relationship and I don't believe that two people need to fall out of love and be distant with one another. I don't feel like that has to be the case. You can still care and value one another and put in the same kind of effort-- but Pam says, that effort has to be reserved for when you're married. So where do I channel my effort now? Civility.

We aren't friends. I wish we were or we could be. But I am too hurt by you and too angry with you to be your friend in any way right now. I love you and I forgive you for the break up. But forgiveness, as I have learned, does not need to hurt me in the process. Now I choose to love myself and "erase myself from the narrative." I refuse to be a comet who comes only into orbit to remind you of why you are wrong and why you have hurt me. From here on out I will be a star who shines with love from afar and constantly wants to support you.

I do love you. I loved you every moment of the concerts this past weekend, and I loved you on my birthday last Tuesday when you did not say a word to me. I am done telling you that I love you. I just want you to know that. I want you to know that I love you and always will, but trying to be friends with you has made me hate you for everything that you never will be and for everything that you could.

Be your best, kick some ass, have the best life. And when you look up at the stars at night, think about me. Think about how happy I am for you that the world is brighter and more beautiful and that your future is unlimited. If you want to reach out and tell me about any of those things too, please do. That's what a friend is for. And I so desperately want to be your friend, but I feel no friendship. I only feel reservation and hesitation.You may not recognize that you put this forward, but your courtesy is not friendship. I think we are both hoping a genuine friendship comes out of it but I don't believe it can or will. I will continue to love and support you on every step of your journey. I'll come to every show and performance and wish you well, in my head.

I miss you and I love you more than I wish I did, but I need to say goodbye to you and this is so hard. I told you it would be hard to be friends with you, but that the hardest things are the most worth having. Tonight I say goodbye and it's even harder to let go of this illusion that we can hold onto each other. But that's what it is, an illusion. We're going to grow up and have already begun growing apart. Even so, I wish you the best of luck and so much happiness. Please remember how much you mean to me when you see me in the dining hall, or clapping at the end of a concert. Please remember that I'll always be your #2 fan (because how can I compete with your mom). Please remember that I will never give up on you or your dreams and that you can do anything. Please remember that this is the hardest goodbye I've ever made. Because how do you say goodbye to someone you love? Really? Truly? Forever? We have tried and tried and failed time and time again to evade this reality. But that's why it's called reality. Thank you for teaching me so much about animals, and music. Thank you for truly making me laugh. Thank you for encouraging me to try new foods, and to be vulnerable with someone. I wanted to learn from you and with you every day. I wanted to love you every day. But I can't anymore. If you aren't cringing reading this I hope you're crying. I hope you feel the dropping sensation in your stomach because this is actually the end. I hope every positive step towards recovery that you've made has fallen out from under you and your heart is sinking. Because that's how I feel in this moment.

I'm in a place now where things will go back to "normal" tomorrow, because we don't talk every day, or every week, or ever really. Tomorrow I'll wake up and your phone number (which I still have memorized) will be erased from my phone and I'll hate myself for finally remembering the last two digits are a 4 and a 9. Tomorrow I'll go to my classes and then to a sound check for Dr. Willingham's lecture. Then I'll go out to dinner and be my charming self for a few hours and for a fraction of a second feel happy. But when I come home after the talk is done, and I sit staring at my computer screen and social psychology notes I will feel sad because the one person I want to see at the end of the day I never will see again. Saying goodbye means that I will be sad. But at least I won't be angry anymore.

I wrote you several poems while we were together, but I think the best one I've ever written about you was written after we broke up. Once upon a time, when I thought it was possible, I wanted to ask you to turn it into a song with me because I thought it was a work of genius. Now I see it for what it is: angry. I am letting go of this anger now, but I want to share the poem still.

Molted

I called him Lizard at first as a joke

Because he wore a coat, a fur lined coat, on a sixty-degree day.

I called him Lizard because of his wide set, expectant, eyes and the way he blinked several times when I got his attention.

I called him Lizard because of the sounds he slurped with the flicking of his tongue when he ran out of words, which was unbearably often.

But he told me that he loved me and I believed him.

As they mature, lizards shed their skin, and slowly

We became naked together.

We basked in the heat of that moment.

It burned the soft skin on my neck so that it all peeled off and I was vulnerable just like him

Except I couldn’t grow scales that would harden and protect me from

When December came and his feet went cold.

Growing new skin itches.

I try to conceal the scar and let my flesh grow back stronger and tougher

But I scratch it again and again

Because ultimately my open wound tells a story

And I would rather have scabs than scales.

My burn wound from the curling iron is no longer hot to the touch. It is still red, but the skin is mostly healed. I think it's time I do the same with my heart. Goodbye, ex boyfriend.

Progress Report 2-21-18

Keely could have handled her friend break up with me better. She could have explained what was going on to me better and she could have told me to leave her alone as well. I can get a direct message. But as with any break up it should be done in person because you owe that other person respect. A text message is not respectful. It's cowardly because you want to be distant intentionally. You want to be secure behind your phone screen in case someone handles it poorly. I think I handled it well. But she was mean. I wished her love, and instead she told me I was a toxic friend. I think she's right. I looked up the 23 warning signs of a toxic friend and I fit the bill, atleast by how Keely perceived me and this is what is right for her. However, she told me I constantly talked down to her, which I didn't. She perceived me to have done that, but I didn't do that. I think the best thing for her is to not be friends with me but I didn't gain anything from our friendship. I think this is called growth and it makes me happy to actually be growing. I've actually made some really good changes in my life. For example, breaking things off with Noah, and again with Keely. I'm not going to worry about Keely, I won't worry about telling her how rude it was to ignore my birthday invite but respond to Ken or how rude it was she didn't ask to meet up with me. I will not worry about trying to make my life revolve around speech tournaments and Codie visits and her new job. I feel like this is a break up I can be hurt by, and saddened by, but ultimately I know it's for the best.

I wish I could feel that way about my ex. I wish I could understand the reason. Did he also feel like there were things building up that he could no longer handle? What were they? Why couldn't he tell me? Maybe that's all it was, the one fight, the one fight we had twice, and he knew it couldn't be fixed with time. I knew that I wouldn't change for Keely's comfort, and maybe he knew that he couldn't change for mine. Maybe it is for the best. I was going to call him immediately after Keely's incredibly rude and hurtful text messages. They weren't kind or constructive, the messages were only meant for her to stab me deeper and turn the knife. I wish my ex had hurt me that way. That way I could have cried and cried and cried and knew that the break up occurred and I was at the hands of its undoing. I don't think I was with him though. I don't feel at fault. I wish he could make me feel at fault. I wish I could feel like I could fix and improve myself. Oh wait!

I already tried that when this blog began. I found the problems that I could fix. But ultimately, what needs fixing is him and he needs time to do that. That's how things with Keely are going to work too. In fact, I'm my ex in the Keely situation! I am not a good person for her to be around. I enjoyed her company most of the time but maybe we were incompatible in the end and we tried to make it work longer than we should have. She requested to be treated differently, and she wasn't and so she had to remove herself from the situation. And I didn't chase her. I know I'm not what she needs right now. She's going to be happier without me but it will hurt for a while. It hurts me too, even though I'm pretty comfortable with it. I hope she is as well. I don't want to hurt her anymore, and I don't want to be hurt by her. I have no animosity towards her, only her actions and the way they affected me. I hope I didn't hurt him. I hope with time we can both grow and mature and love each other fully and completely without a small portion of us feeling broken.

I want to thank Keely for giving me the closure I never got from my ex. I feel light. I feel easy. I feel optimistic and hopeful. I know that everything we learn will help us grow. Growing can be so very very painful, but it's all for the best!

Dear ex boyfriend,
It's so interesting that as all of my personal relationships crumble around me I learn more and more about growth and myself. I am so incredibly comfortable letting them fall because I am a driven person and you've shown me that perhaps I need to care more about myself than about others now. I am a little more like you, I am doing what I want to do now more than ever and other people are just incidental. This is honestly a terribly foul attitude. Actually, I hate that.

Keely demanded a change from me and so I am now going to focus on doing that, because she's going to help me be a better person. I wish you could have been inspired to do the same. This is what makes me a better person than you are. But you knew that. You know I think the world of you. But I shouldn't. You didn't even wish me a happy birthday. You fucking piece of shit. You can't say that we're friends and not wish me a happy birthday when you saw me with your eyes twice that day.

My birthday was awesome by the way.  It was so nice to be surrounded by so many people who loved me. I waited for you, and that's my own fault. It was foolish to think you still cared about me, but you led me to believe that was true. Why didn't you at least text me? Why did I wait all day for you to show some sign that you cared? Do you truly not? Are we never going to speak again? I hope not. I hope eventually you will text me or call me and ask about me so that I can tell you my wonderful news!

I'm introducing the Woods Lecture Speaker next week. His name is Dr. Daniel Willingham and he studies educational technology and its implications in the K-12 classroom. I don't know if that's what I'll focus on, but maybe that's the future of educational psychology. Maybe that's my future. I am seeing my future now and it's so bright. It's the first time I've pictured the height of success I can achieve in comparison to yours. I shouldn't compare myself to you anymore. But I just want to say, we could have had it all. Love and Success. We both could have been really really incredibly happy together, or so I imagine, but maybe we were incompatible too and I haven't seen that yet.

It's been three days since I texted you. You can text me first next time. Only then will we speak again.

Progress Report 02-18-2018

"Happy Anniversary" She said quietly to herself. She thought about sitting in hot box pizza facing the window, talking about love and loss. The vulnerability between two souls, shared that night, transcended the words spoken and caressed smooth skin. She told him she wouldn't take his virginity that night but he wanted her to, he was ready to, he wanted to. And so they did. They were crazy and impulsive and irresponsible. They were not safe they were not cautious, they just recognized their attraction for one another in body and mind. There was no shame only excitement and intimacy. After reveling in frivolity she asked him, before they did "that" again, what they were. "We're definitely dating" he told her. Those words will forever be in her heart because that was the beginning of a love story. One that was short, but no less filled with love than a Jane Austin Epic.

This is the end of February, the month of firsts and anniversaries. I will not have to think about the first date, or the first kiss, the first fuck, the first familial introductions for another year. The hardest part is over. Soon April will come and I'll remember falling in love with him, but for now, the hardest is truly over. I didn't even think about today being the 18th, or the 18th being an anniversary until a moment ago. I was doing statistics homework and dating it while Effie was watching Netflix on my floor when it all clicked into place. I'm surprised I didn't think about it sooner. But I think that means I'm moving on and I'm really happy. I am happy.

I'm going to get back to my statistics now. But, Dear Ex-boyfriend, happy anniversary. I will always love these memories. I will always treasure them. You are so dear to me. You and our memories will always make the light in my eyes burn a little brighter. Today is a special day for more than the night we officially began dating, and more special than the first night we slept together. Today is special because I embrace having moved on from that life. I know I've been saying that for ages, but every day that I look back with love and happiness is a good day. Every day must be filled with love instead of regret. Life is beautiful and should never be wished away or forgotten. Our story was epic, but the epilogue is finally over and I'm ready to start something new. Happy Anniversary again, I love you.


*theme attributions to Veronica Mars (A show you'd freaking love by the way, it is the best of Kim Possible meets Gossip Girl) and Sex in the City (A show I've never watched but love to quote)

Progress Report 2-16-18

So, after a week of active recruiting, I couldn't get anyone to come to swing night with me. But that's ok, Not really, it was a little miserable. I dressed up and went out and immediately the dance lesson was instructed for leaders and followers. I knew coming without a partner would be a mistake. The jazz band was wonderful, the food was fine, and ultimately I really like swing dancing. My grandparents met that way, my uncle and my aunt met that way. I want to learn how to dance. And maybe, if I show up alone to fountain square's swing night, I might meet the love of my life too. Ugh Ellen! What are you talking about with this again?!

I'm actually really proud of myself because last night Noah asked me to come over and I said I wanted to stay in a practice room and learn a song on piano instead. I don't know why I was called to Lilly but I'm really glad I went. I love Lilly. And moreover, I was able to sit at a piano and play what I wanted to. A year ago, my ex and I sat in there and he "practiced" while he really showed off his mediocre accompaniment skills. It was so much fun. I want to be like that, I want to self accompany, and I want to play songs that make me happy and I can sing to and I'm getting pretty good at it so far this semester. The Adele song I learned last night was really wonderful.  I was sitting in the practice room and I put my head in my hands and I felt, sad. I tried to figure out what I wanted to say as I say alone on this piano bench after feeling so completely alone at swing night. And this is what I did say:

"When the rain is blowing in your face, and the whole world is on your case, I will offer you a warm embrace to make you feel my love." It's a sad and tragic melody with an even more heart breaking story. But, I am heart broken, and that's okay.

I saw him with another girl last night though. Sure he knows I've seen people, but he hasn't ever seen it for himself. How would that make him feel? It doesn't matter. I don't want that. I don't want to hurt him or punish him, and I don't want to jump into something I'm not ready for. Noah is a sweet guy and he's not about to be used by me. If I'll use anyone, it's bear hating Jared back home who texted me to see if I was coming to Champaign this weekend. It's weird that both of the guys from home texted me this week. I haven't talked to them in a month. In any case, I'm proud of myself for saying that I need to be single and mean it.  I haven't been single for more than two months since I was 14, and I've never been single on Valentines Day, and guess what, it has now been two months since my ex and I broke up (be proud for me again because I just changed my language from something blameful (e.g. my ex broke up with me) to my ex and I broke up because this was ultimately a mutual decision, and even though it wasn't truly now it is because I've accepted this and am moving on in a healthy and mindful way) and I was about ready to jump into another codependent relationship with a narcissist.  I'm really happy that I identified the pattern and I put a stop to it. I deserve more and so do the people around me. I'm just really happy for myself and my growth and my revelations.

There was shrimp pizza at Atherton today. It didn't look good at all and it didn't taste good either. But I ate it. Because, we ate it, that one single time, and that was a really truly special and incredible and amazing night. I think about my ex all the time actually. There are just all of these little things that remind me of him, not necessarily us, but him and they make me happy. They don't make me sad. I wasn't even really sad to see him with another girl, I was actually happy for him. I just felt embarrassed. I felt embarrassed that on Wednesday night I texted him to let him know that wherever he is in his process of moving on I cared about him and wanted him to be happy. What I didn't say was that I care because I love him, but I do. And last night I saw him right before bed, he was the last person I saw. I reached up to hug him and I almost said, "I love you." And that's terrifying. Because I know I do. I know I always will. I love him so much and that's why I want him to be happy. That's why I want him in my life. And I'm scared that maybe that's why I ultimately cancelled on Noah. I think that's okay, if that's the reason I did, because I just knew I didn't want to get serious with anyone right now.  But, I want it to be because I'm thriving and happy, not because I'm sad and missing him.

The thing is I'm not sad. So I shouldn't be scared of how I feel. I'm really happy and I'm doing really well. I am lonely, I do miss him. But, I'm happy. I'm happy when I'm driving in my car singing, and I'm happy when I'm in Lilly Hall playing the piano. I'll be happy when Effie and my parents come tomorrow. I was happy in my social psychology class when we talked about the chameleon effect and I thought about watching Rent with my ex and how I kept switching positions in my seat just to watch him unconsciously mimic me.

He said he'd only just met her. And I think that's funny too. I know he doesn't date his friends, but maybe that's the problem. How can you have a strong and stable relationship when you don't know what sort of baggage the other person carries. I like knowing the faults of the people I'm with because then I know if I truly care about them, those will be worth it too. I wish I paid attention to his ex girlfriend's judgements about how he was selfish. I wish I had known him better, beyond the inherently impressive qualities, and to the parts of him that weren't all that pretty. Because I fell in love with him, having overlooked them. I remember the time we were leaving at the end of the semester in the spring last year so incredibly vividly. He was so angry and pissy and mean. He was mad because I didn't dry my hair right. He wouldn't talk to me. He just marched around and expected me to follow him and it was unpleasant. I told him that. I thought about how that made me feel, and how I wasn't sure I really wanted to keep him around over the summer. I considered ending it then at the end of April, and maybe I should have. I'm glad I didn't. I'm glad we had every moment together that we did, even the bad ones. But, it's possible I could have saved myself a lot of misery at the end had I decided we just be friends then. Even talking about his faults reminds me of how much I love him. I wasn't patient with him for any other reason. It was because he reminded me of my sister, who is the single most important person in my life. She gets mean, and she doesn't explain and I just love her so unconditionally. Sometimes she needs space, but at the end of the day, she'll always love me. She won't ask how my day was. She won't call me when she's sad. She won't even visit me for my birthday because she's so overwhelmed with life and school and boys. But I know she loves me.

I can't tell if he loves me. I keep saying he doesn't anymore. And I keep saying I need to distinguish love from care. I know he cares about me. He probably cares too much. I care too much. But I'm learning to care less.

Dear ex boyfriend,
I just want you to be happy. And I just want to continue to make you happy. I hope she, whoever she is makes you happy, in the same or in different ways than I did. I hope you're doing all the things you didn't think you could with me. I hope you're happy being free, because I am too.  We aren't friends. And I don't think I can settle for that. You're still my family. You're like my brother. In fact I don't think there can be any other description of how close and important you are to me. And I feel you feel the same way. Because when we broke up, you didn't kiss me, you didn't fuck me, you only loved me but were not in love with me anymore. So family. That's what I feel is most appropriate, and that's what I can most handle. I told you I wanted you to be like Cole, and you are. I hope I can be like Emma if you'll let me. I'd really really like that. Because I love you.

Progress Report 2-13-18

Yesterday was such a good day. My education presentation went well, and my Natural World was cancelled. It was just a nice day. Dr. Giesler told me I'm an all star student and tried to help me figure out ways to study more effectively for his exam and that made me feel really good. I saw Erin, and Keely, and Lucy and all of my friends yesterday too.

I'm excited because on Sunday night I spoke with Pam for a few hours about boys, and about my birthday and just a lot of happy things. Effie is also coming up this weekend for my birthday so I'm very excited. It's going to be a wonderful weekend. I'm looking forward to singing in a choir for a graduate student I really admire and spending some more time cementing my friendships. However there is a friendship that is giving me trouble.

There is no way I can be friends with my ex. He hasn't really considered in what ways a friendship will be similar or different to us dating and we need to talk about that. I'm so anxious to talk about that, yet when we got dinner I completely avoided talking about it. For a long time I avoided talking about the break up and boundaries because that ensures we will never date again. But we can not ever date again. Based on the timeline of things, we took our shot, but in your lifetime I'm pretty sure on average you fall in love seven times and you might top out at three marriages. So, 3/7 isn't the world's best average. I was talking to Lucy last night because she was anxious to be in her room but after we handled her problem we turned over to some of mine. Chiefly, what boundaries do I have and do I need? Because the thing is, there is NO way I can be friends with my ex without them. And to give my ex the benefit of the doubt and believing that he cares about me doesn't help me get over him any.  Because I know he does care. He cares about me a lot. He just doesn't love me. I find myself in thought loops of "he must love me because he didn't want to hurt me" but the reason why he'd be hurting me is that he doesn't love me and back and forth again. I need to differentiate between caring about someone and loving them, because my ex does not love me and hasn't loved me for some time and will never love me again.

Tonight I felt very sad about the fact that I had come to recognize there is no future romantically with my ex. Our lives are set on two different paths and we want different things and we've always known that. And ultimately, there are things about him that make me so angry and frustrated and so I'm grateful that his problems are no longer my responsibility. There are so many reasons I'm grateful that I am no longer dating him, but in my head I am having trouble separating loving him from caring for him. I don't want to love him any longer, and I don't believe I do. I want to care for him, but I just am having a lot of trouble with that. We were pretty perfect for each other for a while. I'll never know what happened. I want to, but there's no good in rehashing the past. It's more important to identify the emotions at present, even the unpleasant ones. I am worried that the unpleasant parts of trying to be friends will scare my ex away. But Michelle Obama said something really powerful tonight about women having seats at the table of important decisions. She said if you're invited to the table don't waste a seat. Your thoughts and opinions are valid and important to be shared and if someone doesn't like hearing it and you are asked to leave the table, then your presence was wasted there and you can spend your time doing better things elsewhere. So, that's how I feel about my friendship with my ex right now. Does he want me at the table? Then let me have the floor:


Dear ex boyfriend: I know you don't read this anymore, but things will be okay with us, I know it. I want that so badly. I care about having a relationship with you and a future where I can smile and say "I know him" when you win your first Tony, and you can smile and say "I know her" when I'm sworn in as secretary of education. We're ambitious bad asses and we need to stick together in life because no one dreams like us. I believe in us. I believe this will work.

Progress Report 2-7-18

I am completely exhausted, physically and emotionally.

The Fullbright application took everything out of me but I'm so excited and so proud. I also know I am so behind.  I came back to my dorm and sat under my weighted blanket crying and finishing Love Sick because I needed to be held. It was so nice having Maggie here yesterday, we stayed up until nearly 3 in the morning.

Reuniting with a goodfriend is like falling in love all over again. We went to the basketball game, (which was amazing! GO DAWGS!) but you can't really talk there. It's like going to the movies or having a hesitant dinner to assess whether the person is pleasant company. Once back in the dorm we just began talking about courses and college and friendships and belonging. We talked about love and loss since her boyfriend recently told her that he only wanted to be friends. In fact, our timelines of relationships line up perfectly. Kaden and Maggie started dating last February too and then he got distant and busy with college applications in October or so, and then in December they had a formal discussion about just being friends. It is hard for her to be only friends with him, she sees him everywhere everyday and I encouraged her not to wonder how he's doing so much because no one actually wants someone else to worry for them.

My ex boyfriend rediscovered this blog this week and it made me nervous because I don't want him worrying about me. I don't want any more worry in his life. Yes, I worry about him, but I worry less. I really want to be friends with him in a way that we can continue to care for one another and rejoice in our achievements. I want to stay up until nearly 3 with him and fall in love with a good friend. There's a song by this band we both like, The Script--sidenote-- I was told was a "girly band" by my highschool boyfriend and so I am so grateful that my ex boyfriend didn't find it weird or lame that I enjoy their music-- detailing the experience of rekindling a romance with someone who you used to be intimate with and then life gets in the way. It's called For the First Time. I've always loved that song because there's beauty in becoming acquainted after time and space and distance. There's also a song by one of my favorite bands, Us the Duo, a group I definitely tried to get my ex boyfriend to listen to, though he never took my recommendations seriously or followed up with them,  called Already Mine that I've been thinking about recently.

I think since my ex and I have reestablished communication it's easier to be at peace with being friends. I feel good about it, but I'm disappointed that he still keeps his distance and he isn't as ready to dive back into those intense feelings of intimacy. Yes, the relationship must be different. But we can be intimate without romance and I do want that back. I really miss him. I feel like I'm going to go bury myself in the homework I haven't had time for, and then I might go for a run, since I've been resting for two hours watching Glee. But, I just wanted to put it out there in the open that I miss him and I still care about him a lot. And it's intimidating to know that you feel differently than someone. I'm understanding of the fact he doesn't love me and I know he won't ever again but I hope he doesn't distance himself because he doesn't know how I feel. I am publishing my true and valid feelings here so he knows exactly how I feel. This isn't a game. This is life, and life is beautiful. Life is so exciting for me right now and I'm so happy about my fullbright and my classes and my professors and my friends. I am really really happy, I just miss him.

His birthday was yesterday and I was so proud of myself for the distance I kept. I didn't do anything nice for him. I didn't offer to take him out like last year in order to make him feel like it was his birthday. I didn't bring the candles and the lighter. I just was there for him. And that's a really healthy boundary. It's not my job to take care of other people, they just need to know I care. I'm really happy that I'm starting good habits. I'm really really proud of myself and that's how I know we can be friends. I don't like that it's easier for him to be around me if we're on our phones, I wish we could sit together and rediscover all of the wonderful things that made us so close. But then I wonder, did he only like my lack of boundaries? Did we only become close because I tried so hard? Why am I trying so hard now? It's frustrating. But, I also am practicing the healthy habit of removing myself from unpleasant situations. I'm letting him go. Because if he doesn't want the same things I do out of a friendship I need to accept that. I cannot change or control his feelings or attitudes and I don't want to! For that I'm happy and proud. I am healing in a really good way. But it's exhausting.

When you mend a broken bone it hurts and it takes time but it grows back stronger. Or when you recover from an illness your immune system is at constant work and so you are fatigued. I am a little fatigued right now, so I let him know the ball is in his court. For now, I rest, I wait, I move on.

Progress Report 2-4-18

A year ago I stepped into his red chevy cruise and we drove. We drove a ways down town to the place I'd been on my last first date to. He let me order shrimp as a topping on my pizza and we talked about music and movies and ate ice cream that I made sure his mother would allow him to eat. He didn't say much. I had to pry every word out of him. It was awful. There wasn't going to be a second date, I believed. Then I told him about the play I wrote, and the songs from Rent we performed and suddenly the drive home in the red chevy cruise became one of the most beautiful blessed memories I've stored in my head. I want to saw it open and drill it out like a root-canal because I don't want to remember how beautiful my laughter sounded compared his screaming. He screamed along to every word and I screamed along to every other. We didn't want to separate because we'd just discovered someone who made us feel whole. Later on he'd invite me to sing from a red song book as he tried to accompany us on piano, and he'd freeze and speak Spanish when I pulled out my phone to record us. Later on, he'd put the song, "your eyes" on a CD that still sits in the glove compartment of my car. 

Today is harder than most days. Today is the super bowl and I remember going to Karen and Won's for a super bowl party and being grilled on every detail. What an epic beginning to an epic story. A story that continues on three books too long, I fear. On Friday I told him how difficult it is for me to be in contact with him. I was honest, even though I anticipated not saying anything and letting it die. I didn't expect to talk to him for three hours. I really enjoyed it. I want to see him again. I went today to a concert that his choir put on and cried throughout. It's so beautiful. Music. Life. Love. But there was a Brahms piece that hit so close to home.  It reads:

The moon gleams down,
I should yet again
Go to my darling,
How does she fare?
Alas, she's despondent
And laments and laments,
That I will never see her
Again in her life!
The moon sinks,
I hurry off briskly -
Hurrying so that nobody
Shall steal my love away.
O coo, you doves!
O whir, you breezes!
- So that nobody
Shall steal my love away!

How do I fare? Well. Really well. But I miss you. I really miss you.
And I do fear that you won't see me again in my life. You won't see me, the way you did that night last year in your car, and in Jordan Hall, and every day after. I fear you'll never see me like that again. Were you watching me as I cried today, or were you looking at your conductor? Were you happy I was there? Do I ever get to know? How do you fare? I am not supposed to ask. I am no longer supposed to care. But I constantly wonder, what is this like for you? Do you feel nothing? Do you feel discomfort? Do you feel longing? Or regret? Come find me, before the moon sinks.

I went on a date on Friday night, with a boy who held my face and told me repeatedly how incredibly beautiful I was. He kissed my forehead and looked me in the eyes often. It was nice and I'm going to see him again, because I want that. I want that from you, but you will never give that to me again I believe. So, I'll let him. And maybe I'll love him.

I wrote a poem for the first boy I ever dated after we broke up. I'm kind of surprised by how relevant it is today, so I'll share it with you now:

I wish you’d write me back.
I wish I knew you’ve seen.
I just need a reply
that you know exactly what I mean.
I wish you’d read understandingly
then tell me you agree
but I can’t know what you’re thinking
about how things will now be. 

You told me that you loved me 
yet now I don’t existyou give the space that I require but I wish you would persist!I wish you’d call me outexpose what I’m truly scaredI want things like they used to bewhen I was certain that you cared.

Do you ever think of me  with longing or regret or is this something you accept That I can not yet. let it go, let me in explain what’s going on until I receive some closure  night will never reach dawn.

How I want to awake from this nightmare of a lifeI’m a bird with tethered wingsand struggle with my strifeLet me go, let me be!Untie these knots and set me free!If you think you know what’s best speak now.

How can one forever hold their peaceif peace is in the mindand if tranquility is an illusion
chaos will unwindIt will consume my existenceand spiral from controlIt will envelop my beingIt will swallow up my soul

Of all the things that happened
How am I to blame?
You know I was unhappy
with the strangers we became.
You know that I want nothing morethan for you to give a damnAnd so I am unhappierwith the person I still am.