Progress Report 5-6-18

Dear Ex Boyfriend,

Tonight I stayed up with Spencer, George and Jenna and said my final goodbyes (and by final I mean for 30 days until we road trip Michigan together!). These names mean nothing to you, but these are some of my best friends.

In the first version of this letter I said, "Jenna and Spencer may not be people I tell everything to" but that's a lie. They hear the good, the bad, the gross. I can't express how much their friendships mean to me and I'm terrified of what I'm going to do without them next year. But I will treasure this semester. The semester Spencer snapped rubber bands at me everytime I said your name and Jenna saw me cry on the staircase after I saw you with Gabbie for the first time. I will treasure the night we took five pounds of modeling clay and made a trashwall in our room while listening to K-pop and watching episodes of Drake and Josh.

I will treasure our pottery dates and adventures hiking the hundred acre woods, downtown Indy for March for our Lives, and Eagle Creek. I will treasure the 1975 record and the LANY record that Jenna would play in the living room that George and Spencer slightly high and slightly buzzed would square dance to on the weird Saturday in March when we got snowed in.

They have taught me how to be happier and healthier this semester. Not just them, Rowan and Lucy have also been amazing girl friends to have.

I can't underestimate the joy Adam, Hollyann, and Margo have also brought.

I cried last night when I realized I'd never been so happy in my entire life. I have a wealth of experiences from our adventures. I've learned patience and tolerance. I've learned what it feels like to have people care about you without them being responsible for you. I also feel like I've learned how to love people in a healthier way. I did a lot of work. And it's true, you can't close yourself off from relationships in order to grow.

In my social psychology class we talked about how the self only exists in a social context. Without others we cannot be our true self. That was powerful for me to learn, because I think after you and I broke up I felt like I had to be self-sufficient and close my self off from others. I wanted to fix myself before I let anyone else in, but I opened my heart up to people eager and willing to care about me. I've never felt so lucky in my life. I'm sad that this era is ending, but I'm at peace with it.

I'm excited for my next chapter, living with Lucy this summer during our summer classes. I'm excited to experience Indy in a new way, with more freedom. I know I was dependent on you last summer because I didn't have anyone else around, but I don't think I'll ever feel that dependent on anyone else ever again. I have a strong support network throughout the city. The Kims are here and they are family, I also have Emily living here this summer who I can watch scary movies with and go drink Bubble Tea.

You haven't been part of my life for 10 weeks. In those 10 weeks I've rebuilt everything in my life and it's so strong and grounded in my faith and the pursuit of happiness. I know you've probably tried your best, and that it hasn't been that hard even, not to think of me but I want you to know that I'm really good! I hope you are too. I hope you've gotten to do all of the things you didn't get to do when we were together that you felt you couldn't. I hope you've gotten the help you needed. I hope your friends continue to bring out the best in you. Keep them close. If I've learned anything, it is the importance of friendships.

I did apply for the Fullbright, and I even got to interview it! I didn't earn the Fullbright but only 4 people in the entire country did get it. So, I'll take my summer classes, try to get ahead, and pursue research next summer. I actually won an amazing research grant to present in D.C. next May! There's an interview that I did with Butler's instagram that explains what I've been doing if you're curious. Next semester I'll be at Butler's lab school teaching Monday-Wednesday and I've never felt more prepared or called to be a teacher than I do right now. I'm ready. It was a struggle before, but now I know it'll be okay.

I think that's the crime of it all. I was going through a lot of personal problems when we dated and I'm sorry I put you through that. I'm sorry I didn't recognize how unhappy I actually was. I'm sorry I made you responsible for that. I'm sorry I used you to make me feel better and more secure. I don't anymore. Who's to say that if we were to meet now we'd even be romantically compatible, or even friends, but we don't get to know. The Ellen who lives and breathes today, May 6, 2018 is so different from the one you asked out February 2, 2017 or the one you broke up with last December. It doesn't matter to me what you think of her, but I've never been more in love with anyone in my life than I am with her.

I also need to apologize. The last thing I remember saying to you was that the best thing you could have done for me was break up with me. That was harsh, but I still believe that. I need to explain what I meant though, I've been watching LOVE, like you recommended and I think I was a bit of a LASA (Love and Sex Addict) like Mickey. I haven't been single for this long in six years, but I love being single. I like meeting new people and learning about myself and others and not being too serious.  I get to be serious about my dreams and my goals. That was all I wanted in college anyways! Now I get to be selfish about school and career and friends. Now I can be a dick and not consider others and I don't feel guilty. It's incredible honestly what a few months, a few books,  a few friends, and a few hours of counseling and youtube videos can do to change your attitude and perspective and more importantly your health. The foundation for a good relationship is being stable in self concept and I finally feel like I can handle that. I finally feel secure. I cannot stress enough how profoundly good I am doing. I'm beyond excited. I never would have believed that I would feel this good five months ago.

I stay up late, like tonight, writing to you pretty often. I don't know why I feel like I want to share my thoughts and feelings about the world with you still, but I do, and it surprises me all the time how much better I feel at the end of the day when I do. Missing you isn't a sign of unreadiness to move on though, it's a sign that I have moved on and can accept all of these memories. Pam and I were talking, and she said, 30 years later my mom still thinks about her high school boyfriend especially because Grace and I are at that age. Tom never did anything wrong, his plan for his life was just different than hers. That's why they can't be friends, she said. She loved him and he loved her, and there were no hard feelings, only feelings, and those can't be resolved no matter how much time passes. Whatever anger or sadness I feel, resolves quickly these days. I wish the same for you if you experience any of that.

Dear ex boyfriend, have a great summer. Please keep doing things you love. Please keep your friends close. Treat your girlfriend with respect, and if you love her, try to be better this time. Be better for her. Be better for yourself. Eat as much of your mom's food as you can. Grow peppers. See Rent in June when it's at Clowes. Avoid video games, try reading or picking up a new hobby or working hard to be better at voice. Go for long drives. Go fishing at your grandparents. Watch the Tony's. Plan a roadtrip out east to visit Avery, or convince James to go to Utah with you. Ride roller coasters. Write music. Drink milkshakes. See Emma and Ryan, and Becca and whoever else from that group who makes you smile. Try talking more. You are different today than you were when you graduated.

Speaking of different, I want you to have access to the last letter I wrote you:

"I know this girl you may like! Obviously you're dating someone now, and I know she's interested in someone else but you two would have a lot in common. I think you would appreciate her confidence, her intelligence, her self-assuredness. I think you'd find her pretty funny. She does the weird facial twitch you do where she moves her mouth to one side of her face and makes goofy faces on snapchat. Her snapchat is actually the bomb. She makes music videos at double time to all of these awesome songs that you probably know and like. On Saturday nights after she babysits she drives around downtown Indianapolis singing for another hour just to unwind. She does all sorts of wild and crazy exciting things like exploring the local music scene and adventuring into the woods to watch for owls. She falls asleep to Tedtalks and listens to podcasts when she goes on runs. She's constantly interested in learning more about the world. She's so curious and opinionated. She challenges herself and others to be better on occasion, but also has learned how to listen without offering unsolicited advice or criticism. She jokes kindly and often. She is kind to all but doesn't expect anything from them in return. I would really like for you to get to know this friend of mine, I know we didn't get along but I promise you'd be lucky to have her in your life. She's living in Indianapolis this summer, so if you have a chance, definitely give her a call. Ellen is pretty amazing. I know you'll be great friends."

Dear Ex boyfriend, take care of yourself,
Love, your ex girlfriend who has only ever wanted the best for you.

p.s. I hope you feel the same way.