Progress Report 12-28-17

Today's heart healing advice centered around trust. This is such an important part of my healing process and self improvement process I wish I could have had more insight. A few things that the book provided me with that I liked include:

"The real causes of mistrust reflect back on ourselves. If you were never willing to trust your ex completely, why were you surprised when your ex proved to be untrustworthy?"

When I think about where my trust in my ex broke down, it came from my own failure to acknowledge my importance and value. Because I couldn't see that I relied heavily on his external validation but did not trust for others to believe in something that I myself could not. This is a prime example of how you must truly love yourself if you expect others to love you. This is something I'm working on because I want to trust that I will be treated with dignity, equality, respect, and love. Always. And by the end of my previous relationship, I could not trust my partner to treat me in this way, and it scared me. I wasn't sure why I suddenly felt mistrust, but the insight my book provided suggested,

"Mistrust is born when a shared understanding, whether spoken, written, or just assumed (like common courtesy), is violated"

The understanding in question was that I needed external validation through words and actions that ceased. I didn't like this about myself and so I didn't want to become upset when there was "nothing wrong" just because I was no longer validated. However, that was important to me. I wasn't entirely honest with myself and this allowed mistrust to fester and grow. I think that by acknowledging I didn't want to feel that way I could have worked through those feelings better than pretending as if it did not matter.

"If you want to trust someone... trust that he or she will be just as humanly frail as you, and make mistakes just as you do. But most important, trust that his or her intentions are inspired by love. To have this opportunity, this strength, you'll need to commit to the happy, hopeful uncertainty of the future from right here in what will become your past. This will help return you to your true and loving ideals" 

I have never found uncertainty to be happy or hopeful. Uncertainty sends me into fear and panic. I know exactly what I want to do in life and exactly who I am because I must be certain to feel in control. A loss of control, as one must expect with a partner, is something I am not comfortable with, perhaps because, I do not trust things to fall into place. Even if I can not trust other people I must remember to trust in the Lord. The summer after my freshman year I sang in a gospel choir the following psalm: "Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart"- Psalm 27:14. This message about trusting in the Lord has always stayed with me, perhaps because of the way the music moved me. No music like Gospel music helps me feel the strength and power of God.

Psalm 56:3 instructs me, "when I am afraid, I put my trust in you." I was very afraid today. I had a panic attack because I noticed that I was starting to lost sight of my healing process. I was beginning to get busier and overwhelm myself with friends and work and I wasn't checking in with myself as much as I would have liked. I panicked because I forgot to take my medication this morning which I am trying not to do. I need this medicine. I am important. Whatever else I have to do is not more important than my health. I can not sacrifice or compromise myself or my needs. After taking my meds I felt better going in to serve by myself tonight and I didn't do amazingly, but I did well enough for me. I am enough. I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to be Super-Ellen. I just have to do it.

Day Nine of Self Love Challenge: What is something in your life that you need to get rid of?

Negativity

and I will do that with my Be More Positive Challenge: Whenever you have a minute take three full deep breaths
Know Yourself Better: If I could have one wish, it would be

To love freely and never be hurt

Self-Aware: How do I deal with change?  Do I avoid it, welcome it, fear it, like it, complain about it, stress about it, worry about it?

Depending on the change I either fear it or welcome it. I know it is unavoidable so it is one of those two reactions for the most part. 

Self-Care: List your favorite things

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes... just kidding that's Maria Von Trapp's

I love: bears, star light, the smell of gasoline, writing with a sharpie marker, lipstick, singing, the color orange, freshly shaven legs, hugs from someone taller than me, Beauty and the Beast, the french language, Butler Basketball, Butler university, children, praise from people I am trying to impress, unsolicited praise from people I wasn't trying to impress, the weight of my cat atop my electric blanket, reading, cabin socks, learning, thinking, memories, reflection, magnolia blossoms, sound canceling headphones, the smell of pink chiffon, a good pun... the list goes on. There are so many things I love and cherish dearly. 

Know Thyself:  What are you most proud of?

My academic achievements. My standing on the Dean's list, my esteem from my professors. The certainty that I will do something meaningful.

Attitude Adjustment: Express Gratitude to at least one important person in your life

I thanked my boss about a million times tonight. Applebees was my first job and working there taught me about myself, people, working, I am thankful to have a famil-bee there and for all the help, love, and support I have received from Peg and everyone else.

Happiness: Meditation

Gratitude: What is a scripture passage or quote you are thankful for? I offered a few previously.

and finally, Move Forward: You have two choices in life, to accept the situation as the way it is or take responsibility to change it. Today I take responsibility. Today I make a change.

Progress Report 12-27-17

Perspective is today's healing step. Perspective is everything. I went to counseling today. It was hard not to negate all of the progress I've made dealing with my anxiety in the last year because I feel like I'm back at square one. My counselor told me last Christmas I was upset about being dumped, but excited for the potential experiences I'd have. The last time I visited with her was January 5. I started reflecting on where I was a year ago and how I have changed. I am so mature. I need to appreciate how much better I am at handling these circumstances than most people and that professional advice is common sense to me now.  I am so incredibly strong. I don't know if that's because I'm stubborn or if it's because I am determined. But I am brave. I am so brave.

It's scary being alone. It's scary not knowing who you are going to turn to. I know who I am, but I realized that I was uncomfortable being who I am, alone. I can work on this. I will. I can. I am strong and I am brave and I am not defeated. I realized today that during the year 2017 I had only kissed one person, whereas in 2016, I'd kissed four. It's kind of surreal. I will always remember this year as the year I was with him. I also realized during counseling how brave he is. He didn't make an easy choice. I told him it was easier to break up than to work through his fears, but neither choice was truly easy. He loved me a whole lot, and to decide that I deserved better has to have been hard. I had always wanted for my partner to give me a way out. I always wanted for my partners to admit to me it wasn't working and I deserved more. He did. I do. However, now, knowing the way we both hurt and are trying to heal I don't want anyone to feel that way again.

I will be better in the future at recognizing for myself when a situation is not ideal. Taking on his perspective, at how hard it must be for him to let go of something so wonderful makes my heart break. I respect and love him even more. But we can both be strong. We can both handle this. And we will become better people because we have loved each other. I love him, and I think I always will. We used to tell each other that we appreciated one another, because that was a much more meaningful compliment than to only love someone. I want to tell him, if he ever reads this, that I appreciate him more than words for giving me freedom. I have thought for a long time that it was me, setting him free to find himself, but he let me go, and I went. I didn't fight, or I didn't fight hard enough. And now I'm growing, and I'm grateful.

Today is day eight of my challenges. In the Self Love Challenge I was asked, "where in your life do you need to slow down?" My answer,

All of it. I work too much, I play too much. What I do for fun is not the same as what relaxes me so I need to cut that in half. I need to slow down, relax, feel my emotions. Be present. 

Be More Positive: What are some of your values and what is the most important one in your life?
At the beginning of the school year we did an activity where we chose 20 values that we have for ourself, our relationships, and interaction with the world. The way I interact with others in my personal relationships is what I truly value because I value people. This list consisted of the following values

Communication, Respect, Diversity, Trust, Friendship, Family, Patience, and ultimately Loyalty. 

Loyalty is preserved by patience which develops from a familial bond which grows from friendship based on trust of respect for diversity as a result of communication. We cannot have loyalty without communication at its roots. I firmly believe that loyalty is so incredibly important and that's why I fear abandonment and that's why I am slow to trust. Because I so highly prize loyalty it is so hard for me to let go of people who may not even be good for me. I have remained loyal at my own expense when communication ran out. He warned me that this may not be good. I am working on valuing communication above loyalty and patience and all else. Reframing your thoughts can be difficult, but it necessary to grow.

My Know Yourself Better question of the day is: What are my values and what do I believe in? The answer is stated above. I am sensing a theme! Especially when I consider the values activity I performed in my break up book yesterday.

Self-Awareness: How do I respond when plans change or plans get cancelled without my say so?

Sometimes I'm relieved. Sometimes I'm agitated. Most frequently I panic. I am trying to be better at that. The medication has helped.

Self-Care: Make a Happy Music Playlist. If you'd like to listen to it, it is on spotify!
Know Thyself: When was the last time you did something you were afraid of?

Today. When I went to counseling the receptionist needed me to sign paperwork that I didn't have all the information for, and I had left my cell phone at Applebees and so I was terrified. Literally crying because I wasn't sure what to do and paralyzed with fear. While these experiences are not fun, I am learning. I won't be scared next time.

Attitude Adjustment: No Complaints
Happiness: Crafting! I am so excited to paint in the workshop with Matt for his birthday. I'm doing a mural in the basement!
Gratitude: Write about a simple pleasure you're grateful for

I am thankful for the feeling of freshly shaven legs on warm sheets. When your legs are smooth you can feel the thread count. During the winter (and especially now that I'm single) I have not been shaving regularly. In fact, the last time I shaved was nearly three weeks ago, the last time I spoke to him. But I shaved my legs and there is no better feeling in the world!

More Forward: Learn from mistakes

and I am. and I always will. My life motto is to regret nothing, only learn. I am a learning nut; A learning fanatic! My parents must be so proud! To whoever is reading, think about what you've learned today, it may surprise you.

Progress Report 12-26-17

Self Love: What is something you love about your body? Your personality?

I love my eyes. I love my verbal skills and the way my brain processes puns

Be More Positive: Think about the best parts of your life when you're stopped at a stoplight
Know Yourself Better: What am I worried about?

I will burn out from all of the love and service I provide

Self Aware: How do you deal with challenges in your life?

I try to out maneuver them or use them to my advantage in some other aspect of my life.

Self Care: Eat Something Healthy

Know Thyself: How do I like to relax?

Music, reading, driving. Usually I'm alone, or with someone who makes me comfortable enough to act the way I would alone. 

Attitude Adjustment: No complaints
Happiness: Work up a sweat
Gratitude: Who is a leader of teacher you are grateful for?

 I am thankful for my eighth grade history teacher, Janet. She recognized my leadership and supported confidence early. She fostered a love of learning through oral history and started me in my radio internship when I was fourteen. She continued to encourage my growth in special ways, seeking advice and offering guidance wherever necessary. She loves all of her students and went out of her way to give us the best support and instruction. She invited us to her home and celebrated every accomplishment. I want to be a teacher just like her one day. I want to be a mom like her. I want to be a learner and a professional academic like her. Of course no one is perfect, but I look up to her so much.

Move Forward: Learn from mistakes

Something I learned about myself today is that even though I take pleasure in people, I am exhausted by them. I truly am an introvert because reflecting on today's challenges I realized, what I do to relax and what I do for fun are two different things and for me to feel happy I need a balance of both. When I relax I need to be alone. However, I am sad when I am alone. It is paradoxical but today it made sense. I had a very relaxing morning spending two hours in bed reading and reflecting. Then I spent six hours with two friends, Lucie and Natalie. I care about them very much and enjoyed every moment we spent together, however, as soon as Lucie left the house I went to my room and started playing a mindless game. I was so tired and needed to rejuvenate.  When I caught myself playing the game I deleted it from my phone. My goal is to be productive. If I want to space out I can do that without additional stimulus. I need to be present with myself. My friends and my games are distractions because I truly do not enjoy being alone, but being alone may be what I need to be healthier. Perhaps I don't need to work hard to make new friends next semester, perhaps I can learn to be okay with being alone. I will watch a lot more T.V., I will work out a lot more, I will probably sleep and read more too. I'm excited to experience what is next for me in life.

Today's chapter in the breakup guide is about values. It asked me what my ideal lover is like.
I answered: I want him to be kind. I want him to be fair. I want him to be a hard worker. I want him to be a critical thinker. I want him to be self-aware. I want him to be affectionate. I want him to be fun loving. I want him to value family. I want him to value time together. I want him to be interested in me and my profession and my interests. I want him to want to travel. I want him to be ambitious. I want him to have a clear idea about his goals and purpose. I want him to have passion. I want him to live, not merely exist. I want him to be intentional. I want him to be trustworthy. I want him to listen. I want him to be compassionate.  I want him to be honest with me. I want him to want me. More than anything I want him to try and make it work even when things get hard. I want him to value me and our love. These of course are characteristics anyone can posses in various quantities. I do not believe in one person, only a type of person. And, loving this type of person, will never be a bad thing. Love is never a bad thing.

 

Progress Report 12-25-17

Self Love: What do you need to forgive yourself for?

Having negative emotions

Be More Positive: Give a genuine compliment to three people

My aunt is a saint, incredibly selfless and full of love. My grandmother is a brilliant woman. My sister is courageous in the face of her daily terror.

Know Yourself Better: What new activities are you willing to try

Joining the service frat, or the disabilities honor frat. 

Self-Aware: How do I deal with a negative environment?

Flight. I try to get away as fast as possible and if I can't I stick it out and hope for the best.

Self Care: Do your laundry (I could stand to put it away! I will be home for three more weeks, might as well get comfortable)

Know Thyself: Think about a person you truly admire. What qualities do you like about that person?

Self assurance, forgiveness, certainty, compassion, kindness, empathy

Attitude Adjustment:  No complaints
Happiness: Talk to a friend (today Pam, Grace, and I talked for nearly fifty miles about mental health driving back home. Talking is so cathartic and I learn so much about myself. Wednesday I am going back to therapy with my therapist from high school and I can't wait to talk through all of these feelings with her)

Gratitude: Write about a friend you are grateful for

Esther wrote me a christmas email today. I am so grateful for the example she has provided me in faith and life. She is forgiving and loving. She is never cruel or petty. She feels hurt and pain but manages it healthily. She handles confrontation and conflict by finding productive solutions. She has so much poise and control over her life. She is a beacon of hope for me. She has been the friend I do not deserve, but exactly what I need. I miss her. This is our first Christmas apart and I feel empty without her. I also feel like she is the person who can best handle this break up, but I am proud of her for everything she is doing. The distance is difficult but I am proud of her. I love her. I am grateful for her.

Move Forward: Learn from mistakes


I am thankful for the baby in a manger. I am thankful for family. I am thankful for car rides of productive conversation and introspection.

Today's breakup chapter is all about introspection. It felt weird to think about my breakup on Christmas, but that's all I could think about. I am learning so much about myself, but I cried tonight because I realize even self-improvement will not get him back. I knew that. I did at one point. I knew when I started my disciplines and challenges that this self awareness and improvement will stay with me forever. I knew I wanted to grow so I could be better. But on Christmas, the holiday of supreme love, I was overcome by thoughts of the love I have lost and not the love around me. I felt worry. I felt emptiness.

Talking to my mother and sister on the car ride back reminded me that other people feel the way I do. It is normal. It is natural. There is nothing to be ashamed of. I am a child of God. I have been saved. I am capable of learning and growing. I want to learn and grow, for me.

Progress Report 12-24-17

I awoke this morning to my mom and my grandmother practicing music for the Christmas Eve service. Their voices were like angels. Have you ever picked up a phone line and asked whether or not you were someone else in your family? Frequently people will assume I am Pam or Grace because vocal chords are genetically similar thereby producing similar voices. Grandma and Pam sounded so beautiful. One voice. I am so blessed with music and love and family.

Self-Love: What is something you ned to start saying yes to?

Exercise, volunteer opportunities, going to church, reading a new book. Anything that will enrich my soul.

Be More Positive: Choose a positive mantra for today

"I am in charge of how I feel and today I'm choosing happiness" 

Know Yourself Better: What do I like to do for fun?

Puzzles!! I like to play games competitively. I like trivia and quizzing my brain. I like learning new things. I like to listen to stories. I like to sing. I like to make art. I like to bake. I like to travel. I like to skate. I like to watch people. I like to spend time with people. I like to eat. 

Self-Aware: How do I respond to situations I have no control over?

Poorly. I complain. I bitch. I resent these situations. I am frustrated by them. 

Self Care: clean a room in your house ( I cleaned out Grandma's closet, if that counts!)
Know Thyself: What habit would you like to break? What habit would you like to start?

I want to go to sleep at a better hour (as I sit here typing at 1:27 AM) and I want to pray daily.

Attitude-Adjustment: No complaints
Happiness: Garden (I couldn't garden because it snowed about four inches)
Gratitude: Write about a family member for whom you are grateful

Obviously I am grateful for my grandfather because he is stubborn and he taught me everything I've ever needed to know about conviction. He taught me pride. To be proud of my accomplishments and my intelligence. I never felt belittled, only admired and appreciated. He makes me feel special and competent and accomplished. He will cheer on the bulldogs from his lazy boy recliner and he will coach me through any life crisis or decision. He shares advice and stories unsolicited but I respect everything he takes the time to share with me. I appreciate the chain emails he used to send me with beautiful stories, amazing images of nature, or even silly jokes. I developed my love of poetry because of him. I have an understanding of mathematics because of the word problems he'd have us solve at the dinner table. He is a genius who has worked for everything he has in life and I cannot explain how influential and special he is.

Move Forward: Remember my past is not equivalent to my future and I should learn from mistakes instead of being ashamed.

It is Christmas Eve and the service tonight was all about the light of Christian faith and the important role we play in sharing the story of Christ's love. I cried as I prayed and I sang and I worshipped. I felt so overwhelmed by his presence and love. But, I cannot see the light. The journey I am taking right now is new. Last year on Christmas Eve I dreamt an angel, in the form of a very close high school friend, explained to me that so long as I had Jesus I did not need love. This year throughout the message I only reflected on my duty to give love. I recognize, especially because today's chapter of my break up book is about Self-Regard, that I sometimes lose myself in my love of others. How do I balance? I am trying to learn this.

I look to God for inspiration, but I look to myself for answers. As I lay here at night, asking for strength and patience I know that I am the only person who can receive and make use of these gifts.  My favorite part about Christmas is worship, I have no material wants, just a desire for closeness with others. Spending this holiday with family, no matter how trying it is to love children who do not comprehend language, and elders who cannot form new memories, I feel closeness. I feel connection. I see selflessness and I see selfishness, but more over, I feel God working among us giving us the challenges we can each overcome, and the peace that follows once we have prevailed.

Merry Christmas!

Progress Report 12-23-17

Christmas is coming fast and all I can do is think about the love I've lost rather than the love I am lucky to have around me.

We are traveling to my grandparents today. Driving through a city I told him I hated. From a distance it is beautiful. A city on the Illinois River full of lights. One year we visited and saw a laser light show for my dad's birthday. That was seven years ago. A lot has changed since then. For instance, that was the year I was completely infatuated with a boy who was nothing but mean to me. I never told him I liked him, but everyone knew. After that year I resolved, "if you want something, go out and get it." I'm not sure if my love life before or after that has been more tragic, but I still believe that if I want something I can be a self advocate.

My sister has always thought of the farm as home. She says it is because even after we've moved around this was the place we always would come back to. A mecca. We take a pilgrimage to the farm when it is most important to remember that love comes with patience and joy comes with compassion. Family teaches us so much and I'm excited about what there is left to learn.

Cousin Zeke turned one today. He has his whole life ahead of him. So do I.

Tonight I had a very special moment with my grandfather. I love and respect him with all of my heart. We decided that because he's turning 80 this upcoming year and that I'm turning 20 we should have a centennial celebration for the two of us. I also mentioned that in french eighty is called quatre-vignt or "four twenties." Then he began describing how impossible it is for someone who is twenty to imagine what it is like to be eighty. I laid on the floor and listened to his stories as he described what he has lived through, between World War II, the Cuban Missile Crisis, the Cold War, and today.  History is fascinating. I wonder what children will ask me about, or what I will have to share with them when I'm his age.

Day Four

Self Love: What is a compliment that you struggle to accept about yourself?

I've gotten pretty good at accepting compliments, but I think I still have a hard time accepting: You are too xxx. I don't believe anyone is too xxx for anyone else. One can never be too smart or too kind or too forgiving. But maybe what I should take notice of is what that compliment actually means, it doesn't mean I have an overabundance of something, it is that the person telling me so can not reciprocate this quality in equal amount.

Be More Positive: Do 3 things to cut negativity out of your life.

I felt negatively about one of my cousin's children and her difficulty sharing but I replaced anger with compassion. I am not sure if this counts as one of those three things, but every time I notice anger I wish to be more thoughtful about why I am angry and understand what other emotions I can choose rather than to sit with the negative emotion

Know Yourself Better: What am I ashamed of?

The way I hold onto grudges

Self-Aware: How do I deal with inconvenient life situations

If I can handle it, begrudgingly. If I can't handle it, panic

Self Care: Clean out your social media feeds

Last night I deleted and blocked a girl who I'd known since middle school because I realized I was upset she continued to have a window into my life despite never having an intimate relationship with me. She pursued my social media though never made a physical effort to be my friend and so instead of being angry I decided my life would be better without acknowledging her. I perhaps will do this some more today!

Know Thyself: Who would you love to meet? What would you ask?

Adam Lambert, because I was so aggressively bullied in elementary school and following him on American Idol introduced me to a new group of friends who would love and support and protect me. I owe him my life in a lot of ways. He is a hero. 

I might ask him what it's like to perform with Brian May and Queen. I might ask him about times when he's had to be brave. I might ask him about how he handles heart break. Why songs like "Sleep Walker,""Take Back," "Another Lonely Night," and others are so peppy and upbeat even when there is so much anger, pain, and sadness in the lyrics. I'd ask him about what loyalty means to him. I'd ask him about therapy, yoga, and his favorite tattoos. I'd ask for makeup tips and advice! I'd ask for his phone number so we could become friends.

Attitude Adjustment: Five Things I am thankful for

Finding Nemo, A leather purse, a fitbit, gorilla glue, Christ

Happiness: Have an early night (I probably will go to sleep early. I usually do at Grandma's)

Gratitude: a form of movement you are grateful for

I am grateful for typing. I have never had legible hand writing but I would be one hell of a stenographer. I learned to type with a Mavis Beacon typing software as a gift from my grandmother. She knew how much I loved to write and being a good typist has truly given me a much more convenient way to explore creativity. Writing poetry and prose and expository essays on a computer makes work timeless. My thoughts are protected. If I couldn't type I couldn't blog. And because I blog I am a better person. I am more self aware. I am happier. 

Move Forward: Face and Fix problems.

The biggest problem I face is having the self restraint not to talk to my ex even though I desperately want to.  My blog has been one way of facing this problem and all of these challenges help me fix it. My break up book has helped a little, but ultimately the introspection achieved on this blog is the greatest tool in self-recovery, self-respect, and self improvement. I am moving forward because I am blogging. 

 

 

 

 

 

Progress Report 12-22-17

Self Love: What good habit do you want to begin this month?

Pray daily.

Be More Positive: Have lunch with someone you admire or someone you run into today

I ate lunch with a colleague at Applebees at 3:30 when I got off work and she came in early for the 4pm shift. I don't know her very well but she's very sweet. 

Know Yourself Better: Who matters the most to me?

Grace

Self-Awareness: How much self-control do I have with things that I know are bad for me, but tend to indulge in?

None. But I find healthy solutions to cope or distract my impulses. I eat fruit instead of candy and vegetables instead of chips. I read instead of binge watch netflix. I blog instead of texting my ex. But if I see candy, or chips, or that play next episode button, or, as you'd assume, a message from my ex I have no self control what so ever.

Self-Care: Catch up on a show you enjoy

Pamela and Grace introduced me to How to Get Away with Murder this holiday break. It's great escapism.

Know Thyself: Who are you most inspired by?

Jesus Christ. No human has ever been more perfect than him. No human has ever been so loving or so forgiving. I want to live as he lived. Everything I do is in his name. I try so hard to save people. It is not humanly possible for me to and it is not humanly possible for me to love so deeply and unconditionally. I need boundaries and conditions to protect my heart. I am not Jesus Christ.

Attitude Adjustment: Five things I am thankful for:

Caramel, Gotye, My family, Leather Couches, Heat

 Happiness: Watch a performance (How to Get Away with Murder is an incredible dramatic performance)

Gratitude: What are you grateful for that cannot be bought?

I am so grateful for Andrew and his friendship. There was a meteor shower one night that I had a large group of friends over to my house. It was a thespian movie night. Andrew was the last to leave. I waited for his mom in our drive way with him. We had never spoken. But I pointed out a constellation and he and I talked for twenty minutes about the stars and space. We gradually grew closer after long night talks about religion, love, sexuality, depression, hope, and so much more. This is the most invaluable friendship I have. 

Move Forward: Remember to face issues fix them and not to run away.

Today was very hard. I worked for four and a half hours and was scared out of my mind the entire time. I was so scared of taking orders and not being able to do anything, but I got an apron and a book today! Emotionally I am exhausted. I polled a few more friends on what they learned from taking breaks from their partners, but ultimately I felt sad. I saved these exercises for the end of the day but I think they could have really saved me from so much distress. I saw Andrew and I baked with my mom and sister, but my mind was elsewhere tonight. I need to get my head in the game.

 

 

 

Progress Report 12-21-17

I didn't slow down enough to keep track of all of the things I have learned. For one thing, Serving is going to be difficult. My brain was so overwhelmed I could hardly keep anything straight. I slept for a few hours upon my return home because I was so completely and totally wiped. I believe I will be successful because I am friendly, and I have a good memory. It will just take a while for me to learn.

I went over to Elissa's to celebrate Christmas. As soon as I had one foot in the door I was embraced and told everything would be okay. I laughed. I knew things would be okay, because they are okay. I kept repeating over and over again that it was all okay. But the stories and memories that flooded back while listening to stories about new found love, and the joys of a perfect long term relationship reminded me of things I have repressed at this point. I am trying so hard to be okay that I haven't felt everything yet.

The second chapter of my break up book is called "Expression." This is a chapter about mourning. I really liked the quote, "reflect on a fundamental truth: anyone who doesn't have the good sense to recognize what you have to offer doesn't deserve your time. Anyone who missed that point hasn't fully enjoyed the offering of your love." Sadness without reflection is simply a waste of time. But reflection without sadness may not be as productive either, I realized, it only creates "similar love, similar dynamics, and similar heartache at the end." This is the most accurate statement that resonated with me today. I was pondering my exes previous relationships while driving home from my friend's. He told me the narrative of a boy who was dumped out of the blue for another. I whole heartedly believed there were no redeeming qualities about this shallow ex-girlfriend of his because she was impatient and needy. This isn't true. She, like I, probably experienced the same distant and detached behavior and she had enough self respect to date someone who would treat her the way she would want to be treated. I then thought about my narrative. "I always date emotionally unavailable guys who make me a second priority." But chances are, both of my ex boyfriends experienced the same pressures I put on people to externally validate me, or to prioritize me. It is important to remember we play equal parts in our relationships and their demises. I don't want there to be a pattern of men I date and reasons we dissolve.

Also while reading this book, I realized how incredibly mature I am for recognizing my same mistakes and wanting to change. I am incredibly self-aware. I am goal oriented. I am unstoppable. I feel powerful and like I am in control of my life. I honestly do feel very content and happy with who I am. And I honestly am perfectly comfortable being alone for a while until I've worked on everything I need to. "Break ups happen no matter who we are, or what we do. If you're willing to stop for a moment, take a deep breath, look at the signals you got over time, and accept the possibility that it really was time to say goodbye, you can begin to heal." I do think it was time to say goodbye. Initially I thought everything had been cut short, but I do think we needed some distance, he and I.

The chapter instructed me to look at a mirror and log how I felt in doing so because "relationships are often like mirrors; our mates often reflect back both our attributes and our faults."

I felt distressed. I saw a vacancy in my eyes. My expression exhibited fatigue and weariness. My throat felt tight and my stomach churned uneasily. My heart felt heavy, like lead, solid, as if no blood was flowing, only drowning the vessels.

It's okay to feel this way. It's okay to feel, "not okay" so long as you are getting better.

Day Two

Self Love: Get rid of a limiting belied that you have about yourself or your abilities

You can make others happy without reducing the happiness in your life. Happiness is not a zero sum.

Be More Positive: Imagine your dream life & Write down what you have to do to get there

Do Well in School, Pray, Practice Patience, Forgive, Save Money

Know Yourself Better: What are my short-term goals and long term goals?

Do Well this Semester --> Graduate --> Have a Good Job --> Help People --> Be Happy

Self- Awareness: How do I deal with negative people?

Listen, Counsel and Advise, Support

Self-Care: Take a Relaxing Bath or Shower (How about I hot tub with my girls tonight?)

Know Thyself: What did you want to be when you were younger?

A screen-writer

Attitude Adjustment Challenge: What are five things to be thankful for?

My job, My coworkers, My friends, My bed, Vitamin D supplements

Happiness: I was instructed to make Art. (Does my makeup count?)

Gratitude: Write about an article of clothing you're grateful for:

The brown cardigan that I wear all the time was from my grandmother. I love its simplicity because my grandmother always wore the boldest, most heavily patterned or ornamented clothes. I think I like it so much because it is unassuming. It doesn't draw attention to itself. The way I dress is very understated and it is that way because I am kind of shy. It may surprise anyone who knows me to hear me describe myself in this way, but here's why. I don't approach people, they make me nervous. I am stable and I am dependable, but I don't think I am particularly interesting. Maybe that's why I wear understated clothing, because I believe myself to be understated. I can work on that. I do not anticipate changing my personality, but at least being aware that I behave this way.

Move Forward: A reminder not to run away from problems, fix them and face them. I still haven't had a problem per se. I was contacted by my ex last night. I'm sure the most appropriate thing to do would have been to ignore the message. But I didn't run away. I wanted to understand his motivation for the message and be patient with him. I believe, his healing doesn't have to affect mine. I will not make the same mistakes as before of being too available and feeling it was my job to help my ex get back on his feet. That's not my job. It prohibited me from my own healing-- however, if I remind myself of that and I am able to fix this problem I believe all will be well. All will be okay. In time.

Progress Report 12-20-17

Five years ago I recited a poem to a boy over skype.  The poem was inspired by the late night conversations we had while I was in Europe and he was still in the states. We didn't really know anything about each other, I just found him funny and charming and completely and utterly addictive. I begged,

"Don't Go/ Stay with me/ The night is just starting to get interesting/ I could stay awake for hours/ Though I wished to retire/ Long ago/ But you are on my mind/ You are everything I think/ I imagine, fantasize, envision, and conceive/ So take a few more moments/ Please Don't Leave."

The screen went dark as a tear rolled down my face. The next day we were officially dating. I impatiently glanced at the clocks throughout my french and geometry finals until the two of us could wander through the crisp white snow around campus. He loved Lord of the Rings, and Dr. Who. He was an outsider, a little like me. He seemed perfect. And he was, for six months.

I dated him for nearly four years. In the last year I learned how to let go of him, but it took a year. It took a year to say goodbye to those memories, good and bad.

I wish I had learned how important it would be to reflect and improve on myself after that last relationship. I wish I had recognized that distance was not the reason he and I could no longer date. I wish I had known all of the problems I could solve within myself before I made someone else responsible for them.

The book I purchased about break ups did come in the mail today. The first chapter is called Independence. I have felt so incredibly independent the last few days. I have felt self-sufficient, and overall, happy! I have actually felt happy. And when people ask me how I'm doing, I get to say "I'm doing all right" and mean it.

My favorite part of today's chapter was the explanation the authors had for why haunting past relationships, like the one I referenced at the start of this report, cause us to fail in our new ones. Bronson and Riley ask if you are truly prepared to give a piece of your heart to someone or if you can only offer "guarded mistrust." I know I must learn how to trust, and to be truly open with someone. I would like to. I'm not sure if I can yet though.

A final thought on this first chapter is my "private" list of indulgences which would make me happy. I consider most things beyond necessities such as food, water, shelter, to be indulgences. I indulge in music. I indulge in prayer. I indulge in sunshine. I indulge in wind. I indulge in laughter. I indulge in smiles. I indulge in color. I indulge in soft sweaters. I indulge in 24-hour lip stains and chapsticks to go with them. I indulge in pineapple. I indulge in reading. I indulge in writing. And I indulge in helping others and being considerate of others. I do not however believe friendship, companionship, and love to be indulgences. As humans we need this to be truly satisfied. I am content, but not yet satisfied and I am working on that.

"Sadness and pain give proof that you're alive. Use them as tools to goad you to grow" is how the chapter concludes and also how I will conclude my progress report. Until tomorrow!

My 10 Daily Disciplines

On Pinterest last night I started looking at self-improvement plans. Ones that other people have tried. I'm excited to pursue my own, but what's wrong with a little extra help. I have the same amount of time roughly for all of these challenges, and there is nothing wrong with having extra things to think about daily.

The first challenge I found was 31 Days of Self Love. I do love who I am. I love everything I want to do. But it's one thing to simply say that, and another to feel it. Today's prompt is is: identify my biggest struggle and obstacle to loving myself.

Answer: I've thought about this one a lot actually. I worry that I come off as controlling. I don't want to be a puppet master. I don't intend to be manipulative. But I worry that I am. I am trying my best not to be. 

The second challenge I found was Be More Positive: Be Happier, Think Positive & Find Greater Success in 30 Days.  The first day's prompt is to imagine the best case scenario of every possibility instead of worst case. I'll report tonight on what all I observed from this attitude adjustment and shift.

I also discovered the 26 Questions to Help You Know Yourself Better activity. This is not a month long program like the others, but I will answer one question daily. The first question is: What are my strengths?

Answer: I am smart. I am resourceful. I am curious. I am compassionate. I am empathetic. I am a diligent worker. I am dependable. I am loyal. I am thoughtful. I am resilient. I make the best out of situations. I am optimistic. I am articulate. I am talented. I write well. I write often. I am in tune with my emotions. I am honest. I have integrity. I believe in my own intrinsic self-worth. I am strong. I am courageous. I am kind. I am self-aware. I am self-assured. I am intuitive. 

In that same vein I am also answering one question to help me become more self-aware every day for 30 days. The first one is: How do I respond when I don't get what I want.

Answer: I convince myself I didn't want it very much. I recognize how little it matters in the big picture. I look to God. I reflect. I wait until I am ready to try again. I improve myself. 

The 30-Day Self Care Challenge I also started today instructs me to fill out my planner with some "me" days. In a way, every day is a me day. Spending time with friends. Self reflection. Family. I do these things because they fill me up. I write because it gives me purpose and joy. I included this example because I am not malleable. I recognize these challenges as guidelines. I know myself. I know what I need. But initiating is sometimes difficult. That's what the challenges are for.  But I will not dutifully follow them to a T. I am more than that. I know this.


The Know-Thyself Challenge is another set of questions I intend to answer daily. The first being, "What does your ideal day look like"

Answer: Making someone smile. There is music. There is laughter. There is adventure. There is love. But above all, there will be a smile that I get the pleasure of witnessing, whether I caused it or not. My ideal day is one filled with joy.

There is a misconception that ideal days must be structured or planned to a T for a Type-A personality such as mine. But in an effort to become more flexible, my goals are more realistic and less measured. I like simplicity.

The shortest challenge I start today is the Seven Day Attitude Adjustment Challenge. I am going to modify this. It will be a month long. For Four days I will repeat the first challenge and I will not repeat answers or actions. Today I am supposed to make a list of five things I am thankful for.

Answer: Family, Friends, Christmas Music, Oreo, Pinterest

The 30 Day Happiness Challenge prescribed an outdoor adventure for me today. Beth is taking me outside for a photoshoot. I'm excited! I'm excited to be outside in the brisk 40 degree weather looking amazing, feeling amazing, and sharing in the company of a beautiful friend. She wanted to make sure I was doing okay after my break up, and among the hugs, and the cookies, and all the other things that make her an incredibly thoughtful friend, her gift of kick-ass portraits might be the best of all.

The ninth discipline I began today is 30 Days of Gratitude. Today I'm supposed to write about a moment of inspiration that I am grateful for.

Answer: I am grateful for my first visit to Butler University. I am grateful for my mother and her ipad sitting in the passenger's seat as we drove around campus under complete construction and she told me about the psychology faculty at this school. I had never considered psychology before, but it is the greatest gift to me in the world. I am good at it and I will do so much good with it. But today I am grateful for the moment we turned down sunset avenue and circled the emerging Fairview House and tried to peer into campus but had our view obstructed. I didn't know that would be my home then, but listening to Adam Lambert's Original High Album and discussing memory and learning studies gave me a glimpse at a future I could only have dreamed about.

Finally the Move Forward Challenge encouraged me to face issues and fix them. I'm not sure what issues I will run into today, but I promise that I will try.


I am optimistic that these challenges will be good for my spirit. I may not stick to all of them, but they keep me writing. They keep me thinking. They keep me happy and mindful that life is good. I am good. And all will be well! 

Progress Report 12-19-17

Applebees is great. I cannot begin to explain the warmth I felt envelop me as I walked through the door. Even without the signature 80's pop-rock playing (it was switched to the seasonal holiday tunes) it felt like home. While driving around singing with Berit I got a text from some coworkers asking when I'd be returning to work over the holiday. Originally I considered trading my job at Applebees for some volunteer service at the church or in the community but I recognized that where God was pointing me right now, is right down the road. Every minute I worked at Applebees over the summer I was incredibly happy, but I noticed that when I wasn't working I was incredibly miserable. I will not allow myself to feel that way again. I will work so long as I am joyful. And I will work so long as I am helpful. I will work in the spirit of my self-improvement. For example, I'm going to learn how to be a server this break. I've never been more excited for a meaningless promotion. It's another acting exercise. Another opportunity to fake it until I make it.

I tagged along with my parents to a sleep number store at the mall North of town. I laid on a mattress and looked up at the ceiling and heard my mother laugh. My dad joked with the sales lady, Stacy, and my mother looked so comfortable and relaxed. "What a cute date" I thought. They held hands as Stacy adjusted the firmness and the support of their bodies. They were so completely happy and I felt warm. Prioritizing my family and this time together has already taught me how lucky I am. They were in love, and then life happened. Twenty years after their hard times began, they lay happily together in a bed. One day, not tomorrow or a year from tomorrow, or even five years and a day from tomorrow still I may not, but one day I will run through Ikea like Zooey Deschanel and Joseph Grodon-Levitt in 500 days of Summer and I will lay on a sleep number bed. I am patient. I am trusting. I will be loved. I am loved. I love family. I love myself.

Progress Report 12-18-17

I still check my phone frequently. The addiction only began when I left for college. I would like to break it. I've disengaged with most social medias. I also have tried to distance myself from telephone games such as trivia crack, words with friends, fight list, and battleship. I have not opened candy crush in four years. So this is a small, but notable victory for me. We must celebrate even the little things. For example, I have only taken one nap today, and I ate three meals. When I notice that I check my phone, I consider why. This is helpful, to locate the motivation for why I behave in one way or another. I always wish to be conscious of this.

"I am the luckiest girl in the world and today is the best day of my entire life" is the only line in the entire film, The Holiday Break Up that was not total garbage. I first watched it last Christmas. Now, I do believe it's becoming a tradition. "I am the luckiest girl in the world and today is the best day of my entire life" is the attitude I want from now on. If something happens that makes me feel otherwise I will try my best to correct the situation. The world is not against me, it is simply pushing me to move forward and make the best of situations. I believe in God. I believe in his plan. I believe there is a reason for this. I believe that he loves me. I believe I am a child of God made in his image, with his strength and with his capacity to love others. Because I have been saved by Jesus Christ, I know I am "the luckiest girl in the world." I am lucky because I have faith. I have the greatest love in the universe. And for that I am overwhelmed and joyful.

Progress Report 12-17-17

I need to be better without you so that I can be better with you.

I am able to identify my fear. I will not let them overwhelm me. Can you count ten deep breaths without feeling relaxed? I felt my soul begin to lift at the third breath, and by the sixth I lost track. I can be scared. It's okay to be scared. It is uncomfortable to be scared but I am learning to sit with discomfort and grow. It is uncomfortable to recognize that there is a reality where he is no longer part of my life. It is uncomfortable not knowing how he feels. But I am becoming better because of it. This is a cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), or an "exposure." I did my best growth in high school applying CBT. I am reinvigorated.

I am getting the sleep I need.

A kid who went to my high school messaged me today. We haven't spoken since my graduation. He was a sweet kid who sang in choir with me. He let me know that I was really meaningful in his life. I did nothing. I thought nothing of it. I am a drop in the ocean, and I will just let my presence ripple out.

My pursuit of self-improvement and priorities and passions and trust and presence is slow. I was always impressed by how easily he could alter his mindsets by telling himself to believe something to be true or untrue. I am trying to do that. I am trying to self monitor better.

I recognized another flaw. I like to have the last word but I also hate the uncertainty of not knowing how someone reacts to me. I pretend I do not care. He saw how much I did, though. I will be better at listening and not speaking. My impulse is always to speak. That's why I have severed contact and begun this blog.  My high school blog is pretty funny, ln2k16.blogspot.com. It's insighful into who I used to be. How I've grown. And how more or less, I've always been the same.

Progress Report 12-16-17

Pamela allowed me to read the love letters Matt wrote her. She kept them all. We cried. I was so overwhelmed by how much he loved her. I deserve to feel privileged and honored and lucky the way she got to feel-- the way he told me I made him feel. I believe this recognition of self worth will help me be better. I am becoming better. Every day.

I got a 98/100 on my final paper for my Texts and Ideas class about medicine and American Literature. This is the course I hated with every fiber of my body. Somehow, I succeeded. I received such nice feedback explaining how well I engaged with the texts. I did not work very hard in that class or on that paper. I feel incredibly externally validated. I recognize I need internal validation. I will discover ways to validate myself and remind myself of my worth so that I do not rely externally so much. But I will relish and bask in the glowing review and final grade.

Alyson messaged me today. She is the friend who did not come to visit me in Indianapolis over the summer. She hurt me deeply, but has been making an effort to come back into my life. I am more receptive and forgiving. I do not want to be grudging or vengeful any longer. It takes too much energy. I forgive her, and I forgive him.

May we speak candidly? Shakespeare said it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I agree because loss is a learning experience. I believe Alanis Morissette sang about that actually. I have been listening to her music more because my dad loves her. I want to make sure everyone learns. That is my passion. However, I learned about myself today that I can not be a good teacher or researcher without trust. As a teacher I must trust my students are learning even if they don't behave the way I expect them to. I cannot control them. I must honor and respect them. I can be better at that if I am better at trust. Some people have a better idea of how someone thinks because they are more insightful into body language but body language only offers so many clues. Sometimes the pupils you are studying are more concealed. Whether he was concealed or open, I was blind. I need to trust blindly.

I was thinking about the last time I had to say goodbye to him. We missed the end of the Tony's so that I could get back to my car which was parked outside his home. We drove down the country road lit by fireflies and the stars and sang. I cried in the passengers seat quietly knowing I wouldn't see him again for ten weeks. Those ten weeks were long, but these five feel longer. It feels longer knowing that I may actually never see him and that I have no right to hear from him again. I blocked him because I respect him. I knew he loved me then, but now, I spend five weeks not knowing and learning to be okay with that.

Progress Report 12-15-17

I've decided that my self-improvement strategy involves taking better care of my health. My mental health specifically. I won't miss a day of meds. I will pursue some doctors visits and determine whether or not there is a better combination of medications and birth controls out there. Maybe I will not be so sad. Pamela and I discuss whether or not my depression is mostly chemical or environmental. We think that as soon as I reinvigorate my passions and regain my purpose life will get better.

I'm excited to eat real food again. I haven't eaten more than a few carbs a day in the last week.

I'm watching "How to Get Away with Murder" right now. It's an interesting show, but there is a particularly resonant line that I don't want to forget. "I'm not saying no, I just need more time." This is precisely how I feel. I do not know how things could continue as they were without some radical self improvement on both ends.

I am going to write a screenplay, or a novel, or start a blog. Look at that. I did. I started a vlog too in fact. I want to reinvest in my art and creativity. This will help me.

With love, E