Progress Report 1-14-18

I am terrified of going back to school. I am terrified of parking my car within eyeshot of my ex's dorm room and having to make multiple trips carrying baggage from my car to the door. Even when we dated he never helped me carry my bags back up, so nothing is different, except now I'm vulnerable to his view and I don't want it. Today I had so much stress about packing I cried on the floor of my bedroom. I'm simply terrified to be in the same place and building with him. I picked up the shoes we bought together and cried harder. This progress report will probably never be published because I don't want my ex to know I asked a friend about him today. I found out that he went inactive on his fraternity. A part of me wonders if that is so he can focus his time on his academics, or if a part of it has to do with what I've shared about boundaries and time, and maybe, he's working on himself. I hope he's happier. I hope he is able to succeed. I don't get to know these answers, but I do hope he has a good semester. I know once I dive in it'll be good for me. I'll go to parties with friends, and have game nights, and go out to eat. I'll see musicals. I'll go to the gym. I'll write.  I've been arranging music again! I haven't done that since June. Maria and Jessica came over last night to say goodbye and we started harmonizing to Dear Evan Hanson. It felt good to fall in love with the music again and not associate it with my ex. I still love the story, of him and his roommate singing Waving through a Window in the car at night driving quickly, racing the stars. I looked out the passenger's side and let the emotions wash over me as tears trickled down my face. I listened to the entire soundtrack that night. He gave me so much happiness, and now I know I'll have so much more. Jessica also is a Walk the Moon fan so I started arranging Tiger Teeth for us and Maria and Berit when she returns from New Zealand. I truly have the best friends at home and I'm excited to see my friends at school too, still I dread the first time I run into him.