I have anxiety. This is no secret. But for someone who doesn't understand the struggle of chaotic worries floating through your mind, peace may be fairly common. Peace is rare for me and I pray for it daily. When I talk to my ex I become anxious because I can tell neither one of us is entirely comfortable or assured in our actions. The anxiety comes from the uncertainty associated with his feelings. It was always difficult for him to talk about them with me, perhaps because there are feelings he hasn't sorted out yet. It is very difficult for me to understand what has changed between us and how different the relationship will be in the future. We began addressing boundaries, assuming things are definitively over. Building those boundaries is reassuring. Boundaries keep things that make us feel good close to us and things that make us feel badly away from us. They are not walls, but fences. My understanding of boundaries allows me to find peace more easily with my actions.
The Bible tells us to be responsible to each other and for ourselves. I rarely hold someone accountable for himself because of my responsibility to forgive and support that person. This isn't healthy. I take responsibility for my actions. I own them. I own my choices. I am secure in my convictions. I know what I want. Peace comes from this assurance and security.
But the what ifs that pop up stir up anxieties. Does he miss me? Does he still love me? Does he still want to try again too? Will things be different? Does he never what to talk to me again?
It is not my job to worry about him or his healing process. It is more important that I speak to myself and build the emotional boundary in my mind to say, I respect his choices and his decisions and he must be responsible for them, not I. I hope he has found peace or I hope he does.
Day Twelve:
Self Love: What things make you happy to be alive?
Music, food, friendship, cold (negative ten degree) air on my face, my cat's fur between my fingers, my butler pullover leggings socks and hat, hot showers.Know Yourself Better: If I wasn't afraid I would...
Trust GodSelf Aware: How do I deal with rejection
Poorly. I become hurt and angry. I think I am first angry because rejection invalidates my worth. Then I am angry because I have forgotten my worth. And finally I am angry because who ever rejected me did not see that worth. Knowing this about myself has shown me that I can skip the anger and hurt and remember my worth and move on. It is a loss for another but not for me. The stakes are low if I remember to love myself more than an ideal.Know Thyself: Who would you like to connect/ reconnect with, why?
Esther. I miss her a lot. She was the backbone of my healing last year and without her I've had to face a lot by myself. I am stronger because of it, but I miss my best friend, and all of the love, support, and grace she shows me when I need it most. I'm going to send her a letter to South Jordan. I will give her more time and attention this semester.Gratitude: Write about a person who makes you laugh
My sister has the best one liners I've ever heard. She makes off handed comments that become memes in our family that will be mentioned at holiday gatherings and around the dinner table. I am blessed that she is in my life and we have become so close as we have gotten older. I know not all siblings are as good friends as she and I, and we were not either. When my depression and her self harm cooccurred we were extraordinarily distant. My greatest fear is that something bad should happen to her and I have no energy to prevent it because of that time. However, when times are good she truly makes me laugh. I tried to teach her a card game over the summer and she snapped "there's no learning on Saturdays." This is one of my fondest quotes from her and I still chuckle.
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