I ran away. I admit it. As soon as I saw that puffy burgundy jacket I bolted. I was very excited to see Nick in the dining hall, and then I saw Avery... and James... and my ex. I know I'm supposed to sit with my friends and laugh and pretend I'm happy and at peace. If I know he's around I can't. I'm just not at ease. My therapy intake appointment is tomorrow though and I'm excited to work on that. That is going to be my primary goal this semester: getting over a break up, finding peace with myself, and acceptance.
I had Ken and Keely over after dinner and Ken mentioned one of my ex's friends believes him to be gay. It wouldn't surprise me. And I wouldn't love him any less if that's what he's struggling with right now. I really hope for the best for him, I just can't be around it.
I saw my freshman mistake on tour today and I waved and said hello and it was simple, easy, we're not friends but the familiarity was comfortable. Thank god I didn't see my ex though. I might have had to jump ship and jump into bed with my weighted blanket.
Ken made some lizard sounds and I just began crying. I haven't thought about lizard in a long time. He died a month ago. I sometimes wonder, will these memories linger on with him? Will he think of me when he hears someone say lizard? Or what about when he takes his next partner (male or female) out on a date and they don't eat their lemon wedges? Will he wonder about that?
Ultimately it doesn't matter and it makes very little sense to care. I know I'm not supposed to. I shared my thoughts and stories and feelings with the people in my pod tonight, it was a bonding experience. Though, I believe now that Lizzie, the most secluded podmate was not actually all that secluded and that she spent considerably more time with everyone than I believed. Maybe being single will allow me to be better friends with them.
There are so many benefits to being single, but I would give it up in a heartbeat. Have you worked on yourself? Have you taken all the time you need? I'd ask, jump into his arms and kiss him like never before. While I was running I listened to a youtube podcast about how to bring sex back into long relationships. The reason why fighting brings sex back is the fear that you could lose the person you've become increasingly dependent on. Freedom and Desire motivate sex most. And it's true, I'm free, and I want him. But I never lost my sex drive. I wonder what was going on with him, but I will never know.
How was your theatre class? How was Jazz? All these questions I want to ask you but I'm waiting to. Dear Ex boyfriend, I miss you and I'm scared of you. I'm scared of more rejection from you, and the power you have over me that you no longer deserve to have. I hope I will be better soon, but I'm truly terrified.
Today this is where I stand on progress: I am working out. I am making friends and working on nurturing old friendships. I am writing. I am creating. I am a complete person. I am full. I am whole. I am human. This is going to be a great semester!
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