Last night I went out with Keisha and Elissa and Jessica. I dressed up real edgy rocker chic. It was a look. I got to practice my walk the moon makeup. All in all it just was really fun to be out with my friends and to talk about their lives and these beautiful moments they were all having. Elissa and Kavi are approaching their sixth year together, and intend to be married on their eighth anniversary. A June wedding will be beautiful. We sat around the dinner table workshopping my toast. Elissa mentioned how she wasn't going to do anything fancy because they want to save money to travel and buy instruments and equipment and things, but mostly for the family the two of them so desperately want. She described wanting to read children's books that were her favorite to her kids and I thought back to my lullabies I sang to Anna. I still want kids and a family and love, but I said nothing. Jessica explained that she and Ethan had already named their first child, Charlie. She knows in her heart she probably won't stay with him forever, but she is so incredibly in love. (They're in Chicago today. She surprised him with tickets to a Bull's game. I miss Butler Basketball. I want to go with Adam and Keely this semester!! Pam is watching Kansas basketball on T.V. right now at 12am on a Sunday! We are an odd bunch.) She realized that all of her honeymoon talking was making me upset. I wasn't upset though. Just deep in thought about the conversation my ex and I had about a family and a future. We wanted to move in together. I was so confident we would. I was so confident we'd have more time. I told the story about how he and I went to Holiday World this summer and I played a game with a child who had a disability and the way my ex told me he loved me afterwards and admired how good I was with kids. It felt right with him. I told this story and I didn't cry or even feel sad. It was just a story of something that happened in my life. I felt fine. I felt good even. I felt like I was moving on. I told the girls about my date with Jared... their reaction was not approving.
Jessica insisted Jared's messages and banter with me were all part of his ultimate goal to sleep with me. She insisted that I needed to be safe. They seemed worried. They had nothing to worry about, the date was fun. We joked around like old friends. It was really comfortable. We played shoots and ladders, drank coffee, and shared stories about growing up and our families. He is really passionate about symphonic metal. I'm sorry. I can't date another drummer. There's just no way I can bring myself to it, but he explained that many metal albums are in fact concept albums and operas. I was intrigued but I doubt I will listen to them. Also! He hates Phil Collins because his drumming is "lazy" and bears. So I won't be going out with him again. He went to Gatlinburg this summer and apparently a bear kept eating out of his family's trash and so they threw trash at it. That's cruel and not cool. He laughed and seemed to take pride in it. I was instantly turned off. But glad that I could go on a date and be comfortable in my own skin.
Twenty minutes later on the otherside of town I was instantly proved wrong. In addition to going on a date with Jared, I met Austin today. I want so badly to have the first time I mention Austin's name to reflect what an incredible man he is. I want this to be a moment I look back on and say, this is where it started. But, I'm worried that today is where it ends. Austin is, wow, perfect, I suppose. When I think about him in retrospect I have to convince myself that I actually like him, which feels wrong. But I know I did this the night after my first date with my ex as well. I had a really awkward terrible first date with my ex as we ate dinner and walked around I tried to be cute and charming and impress him. I felt a little like that today. I couldn't talk about high school because, Austin is 22, how dumb is it to talk about high school to someone who is four years removed from high school? I couldn't really talk about what I was doing in college, because, I don't have very many passions I just do psychology and I read. Austin seemed impressed though. We sat in the coffeeshop listening to Stairway to Heaven, All along the Watchtower, Hotel California, Yesterday, and so many rock classics reveling in our similar taste in music and movies and history. I have so much I can learn from him and so much to be impressed by him. He drive around and sings to rock music. He laughed at my algebraic dance moves.
I wanted to like him so much because he's a nice guy, a good guy, a humble guy. But he felt like just a guy. There was no spark. He insisted he thought I was cute as I had trouble eating my muffin without it crumbling everywhere, he told me, "wow you look great" the moment he laid eyes on me, he complimented my questions and allowed me to lose my train of thoughts or my words. I am never so inarticulate. But I couldn't talk. I couldn't sell myself. I self sabotaged. After an hour I tried to leave saying my meter was up, and he paid to have me another hour because the conversation was so nice. I felt like I couldn't hold up half of the conversation and every silence had a weight of expectation. I used to feel so lonely in silence, then with my ex, so assured in it, and today, I felt embarrassed.
We went to a bookstore down the street from the coffee shop. I took him upstairs to watch the sunset and look at the downtown view. We stumbled into the used books section and found so many social science books and he said that I would have to be bored in there but I showed him the education stacks. "I've read half of these, or works inspired by the other half" I explained. "I want to reform education because there are all of these problems in it." He gave me a hug. I didn't know how to feel about such a touchy guy. I didn't hug my ex until the third night we had spent time together and he had to ask me for it. Austin just went for it, and I was completely surprised. He also hugged me after I confessed my libertarian politics (which he asked about I didn't bring up!!) and when we stumbled into the self help section. I found a book by a personal hero, Stephen Covey who wrote the Seven Habits of a Highly Effective Person which taught me about life, love, and happiness the way most people achieve it. I told him that I wasn't broken or anything and needed self help books (let's forget the boundaries book and the how to heal a broken heart book for a second) I just couldn't pick up cues very well. He was so kind and gentle about it and he reassured me that self help books were important for everyone not just broken people.
We found a book on modern aviation and flight and he told me about the tragic murder of a pilot's infant son to stop him from flying across the Atlantic ocean. As he told me this story looking through this old book with black and white photographs I felt a flicker of affection and genuine hope that I could see potential for a relationship. Then I reminded myself I don't want another relationship, I wanted dating experience, and just because Austin is a nice guy doesn't mean I need to date him. I'm proud of myself for realizing that, but still, I feel self sabotaging for not giving a nice guy another chance. We wandered around collections of music books, he has a violin and wants to self teach, or rather, he would love for me to teach him. He had me read him from a French technical guide just to hear me speak it. We looked at biographies of rock legends and musical icons from across the decades, and then I saw the wall that had all of the books about theatre. I walked away from Austin completely mesmerized. All of these books seemed perfect for my ex. I wanted to cry because I identified in that moment how I am not really entirely over him yet. I recognized too that, my ex will be Austin in 3 years, I know it. He will be almost entire the same, except not studying political science or have served in the military. Austin takes interest in everything I do and I didn't appreciate that until I started to explain to him that I didn't want him to wait around for me to come back to Champaign. He asked for my phone number and this would have been the perfect time to practice boundaries and say, "no I don't think that's wise" but I gave it to him and the next thing I know he kissed me. It is the 13th day of 2018 and I've already been kissed. It is 29 days since the last time I kissed my ex and I've already been kissed. There was no build up to it, I didn't want nor solicit it. I was entirely surprised and I don't think I liked it that much.
I need to be alone right now. But now I feel guilty. This was a terrible idea. Except, I now know that I can take these feelings and validate them, but recognize I did something for me today. I did not try to lead either Jared or Austin on by saying I was looking for something serious. I just went on a date and we didn't have a conversation about what we were looking for. It was just a first date. I know first dates are unbearable. I also know that my ex is not unique among men. Still, there's something about him that made me want him. I can't tell if it was the confidence he carried, the gravitas in his presence, his manor of speech, an aura. I don't know. I do know I can't look for that in anyone else. There will be something else attractive about the next man I date. But I won't date seriously for a long time. I can date casually though. Maybe. I can consider it. I have. I can't. I didn't like it. I felt deceptive and slimy. However, both Jared and Austin know that I could disappear and that we met today and if only today. I think I'm too traditional for blind dating. I think I need to spend some time with someone and develop a crush on them. This blind dating is shallow. Of course it's shallow compared to being in love. And maybe I need to change my approach to love. Or maybe, I can focus on Jesus' love and my self love like I said I wanted before I started listening to the advice of online love gurus and their urges to date other people in attempt to move on.
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