I haven't blogged in a while.
I've been experiencing some set backs.
All the self improvement challenges are going to be delayed until I can get out of my head for a bit.
Break ups suck. You do fine for a while, then you find yourself mourning once more. But I will be okay. I know I will be okay. Because I feel okay right now. Effie and I are texting about a book club, Adam and I are planning our Walk the Moon Friend Date. I'm listening to Zepplin, life isn't that bad right now.
Life is a gift. Life is wonderful. I am so grateful for it and the people in it.
I wanted to write a play or a movie or something over break. I have one week left and I haven't started anything. But I have all semester. I'm looking forward to solitude. I started a lyric journal. I'm listening to a new song every day and writing down the best lyric from it in the journal. I get to do calligraphy to relax too.
After spending an hour on that I feel like I'm in a better place than I have been. My books have helped too. But there are still somethings I want to say.
Here's to us:
Here's to those long car rides to your grandma's, and the orchard, the clifty falls, and Saint Louis, and Six Flags. Here's to Indian food and steak n' shake. Here's to a year of love and happiness that will forever be in our hearts. Maybe one day you can stop feeling sorry for hurting me, and feel generous for the love you had given me. Move on, if you want. But don't forget.
Why did I write this? Why did I start this blog?
Because I don't have very many boundaries I suppose. I tried to be everything that he could have ever wanted so that he would never want to leave me. But he did. Potentially because I tried too hard. I wanted it to work too much. That's not healthy. What I get out of life is what I deserve and how I should learn. Right now I'm trying to be so damn compassionate and understanding because I want him to one day realize that no woman is like me, but I'm allowed to be angry.
I started this blog as an outlet for my feelings, so here they are:
I miss him. I miss him terribly. I hate how much I miss him and will miss him. I hate that I cried when I had to distance myself from his brother and from him. I hate that I deleted the pictures of us at our happiest on facebook, because we were happy. But by the end of the relationship we weren't happy. I was kind of miserable. I felt like a second priority even though I knew I was worthy of being a higher priority. Then I negotiated with myself to say that perhaps I prioritized him too highly. I think both are true, but I hate that I realized this outside of the relationship. Outside of the relationship I've had the space to realize something else.
We never watched my favorite T.V. shows! Never an episode of Glee, or that 70's show, or the Big Bang Theory. I watched the office, something I really don't like, because I wanted to be together more than it mattered what we were watching. But we never watched my favorite T.V. shows. We never listened to the songs I had stuck in my head, or when I had the opportunity to share music I picked songs I knew he already knew and liked. We never watched my shows or listened to my music not because it didn't mattered, but because I was avoidant. I couldn't ask for anything for myself. When I got the courage to ask to be treated better I didn't get what I want. In that way I'm like the lady in stair way to heaven, I'm so used to getting what I want because I expect people to care the way I do. I keep score. I'm not selfish, I'm manipulative and controlling and avoidant and compliant. I have so many issues with boundaries that it's no wonder I feel so completely alone all the time.
With time and prayer I hope to grow and reform and learn something about myself and my boundaries. I know this will help me. I can't wait until I meet future Ellen, and I hope you like her as much as I do.
And, ex-boyfriend, in case you think about me, and read this, I'm sorry too. I hate that you keep apologizing to me now, because apologies only heal anger, time heals hurt. Every time you apologize I feel that you are trying to absolve yourself of guilt in hurting me. But you did hurt me, and you should feel guilty. You can't apologize that away. And apologies can't change the way I react or feel about you. You know this. I know this. Yet I apologize anyways. I'm sorry for the way I tried to hold onto you. I'm sorry I couldn't respect your "no" and tried to convince you into "yes." I apologize because of the single self serving purpose: I want you to know I was out of line. This doesn't excuse my behavior but I want you to know I am aware of it. I am aware and responsible. And maybe I hope that future you and future Ellen will be able to be responsible to each other and for yourselves. But I recognize this hope sits here unrealized. This is an acknowledgement, but not a dispersal of that hope.
I believe I can recover without losing hope. I believe I can one day no longer think about him so frequently, but when I do be moved by loving memory and that he is doing well. I love him. And I always will. I don't believe that losing that feeling is necessary for healing. But only time will tell if love delays progress.
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