FUUUUUUCK ME. That was awful. It was friendly. It was casual. It was not at all what I needed. I was on the phone with my friend Joe when I ran into him. I haven't spoken to Joe since summer and so of course he wanted to know what happened. I spent an hour in excruciating detail describing the break up and the "break" that followed it. Obviously there's no closure and I don't think there ever will be. I'm just Kimbra, cutting Gotye off. I don't think I'm ready yet to understand exactly why my ex didn't want to get back together with me and maybe I don't ever need to know why he didn't want me. It just hurts that he doesn't. I want him to explain but it won't help me heal. Maybe one day I will, but once I get over it, it will be over. I'm working really hard to accept that it's over. I'm working really hard to be comfortable living in the same place as him. The person I want so desperately to be in my life is just the last person that should be in my life.
I did run into both Tim and Matt while I was walking around. Matt gave me his phone number and Tim gave me his flirty smirk. I think he's started to pick up on the fact I'm interested. Out of dignity, and respect for both my ex and myself I know I can't jump into another relationship. But I had a meeting with Dr. Bohannon today which shook me to the core. He told me about this woman that he's been in love with for 50 years since he was in highschool. He told me that they had dated for about a year when she met her current husband and that she unfortunately had to stop seeing him. He told me that the two of them are friends and I asked him if that was good for me. He said it was good for his research. But 25 years later they reunited at a class reunion and he fell in love with her all over again and hasn't stopped since. He then preceded to get married, have a family, become divorced, and ruin several engagements and three marriages before he decided to be content as a single professor. But he's not content! He's not even happy!! I don't want to live like that no matter how successful he is. That's why my ex can't be my friend, I don't want to compare any prospective lover to him. That's why he's out of my life... but not yet out of my thoughts, and seeing him today didn't help that. I miss him every day. I only stopped talking to him 13 days ago. Not even two weeks have passed. It's crazy how much stronger I'll be in another two weeks.
A year ago I hardly knew him. A year ago I looked across the choir room and thought he was cute, and I occasionally sat at a table near the door of the cafeteria so I'd see him when he came in for lunch and I could smile at him. A year ago I wasn't looking for love or even happiness. A year ago I was doing the exact same thing. I was the rejected party in a romantic affair doing whatever I could to correct it or make it right, ultimately dooming any chances for friendship or reconciliation. And that's another thing Dr. Bohannon shared with me today. He mentioned that this is common across all people and all relationships. You can't prove to someone you love them or that they belong with you, but everyone does. I didn't even have to tell him what my google search history looked like for him to know precisely how I was feeling. I hate that! I hate him for all the reasons I admire him! Same with my ex... I've been doing really well otherwise. I love Dr. Giesler and social psych, hopefully I'll learn a lot! I'm moving forward with my Fullbright application for the summer and exploring some research opportunities. But right now I'm watching black mirror in bed, listening to my body, recognizing that I need some downtime to recover from the awkward, unsatisfying, uncomfortably fake exchange I just shared with my ex.
I don't want to pretend that he doesn't exist. I'm not that cold. I don't want to pretend that I don't know him. I don't even want to pretend that we never had a relationship. Still, I am pretending to be okay. And by admitting this here, in the safety of my loved ones, I recognize that I'm still grieving and healing and hurting. I'd been dreading this moment all week, and it wasn't as bad as it could have been. Maybe next time, when I'm not on the phone I'll even say hello. Maybe next time won't hurt as much.
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