Turns out if you don't eat dinner you can avoid your ex completely in a full day. It's kind of liberating. Actually, today was a really good day. I did have a good cry, and a good work out thrown in there, but ultimately I felt good and I was interested in everything I was learning. I'm on top of the world as a psych major in psych courses with amazing professors.
Tyler texted me with an issue that was all too familiar. He started my day with: "I cut off all contact with my ex and now I'm having the need to reach out to her." Oh boy! I had so much advice for him. "I know you want to talk to her, but it's all a matter of pride. It's a wounded pride that said, 'I am going to love this person because she is the ONE and the world is exceptional to me and my judgement is superior to God or fate or whatever controls the universe.' It's the wounded pride that said, 'You diminished me and hurt me and I deserve more and better and you're supposed to want me and recognize that because if you don't I'll only be diminished more greatly.'" If you tack on the ever present concern of It's the wounded pride that said, "I was used as a beard and you weren't honest with me that you were questioning your sexuality or whatever it was that was weighing on you that you couldn't share and I wish you felt like I could handle it or understand."
My pride is so incredibly wounded, but not my heart. I am able to love again. And I will when I'm ready. I told Keely that my goal is not to enter into another relationship for another year, or until I feel ready, whichever comes first. I do want to be alone a while I think. I'm so grateful for my family, friends, and the deeper sense of self I am developing as I continue to explore the joys of introversion from my room.
Of course I miss him. And if he reads this, I hope he misses me too. But I'm doing okay!
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