I watched Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist tonight.
Nick made all of these mix-CDs for his ex-girlfriend who broke his heart. Norah listened to them when Triss (the ex) didn't even give them a second glance. Triss believed that Nick's devotion to her was pathetic, but Norah was quietly falling in love with the songs and what they said about Nick. Every song has a story, and a meaning and even though Triss didn't understand what Nick was trying to say, Norah did and they connected.
Sometimes I think about who's out there reading this blog. Sometimes I wonder who reads what I have to say, and who feels connected to me.
I don't want to write progress reports anymore about what it means to be happy. Honestly, I don't want to write progress reports anymore because I know nobody cares about how I'm doing or how I'm feeling any more. It's been six months and everyone has moved on, there are bigger problems in people's lives and the world. I feel like if I frame my life in terms of progress I've made in being single or finding happiness in being single then I hold myself back from actually making progress.
I've been single for six months, it's now how I think of myself. Ellen is a happily single person.
Ellen is so much more than that though. Identity is something that you define for yourself. I'm so tired of Ellen existing in relation to other people. I love being a sister, and a daughter, and a friend, even a best friend. But I lived to be a girlfriend. I lived to be loved by someone. These days I live to love myself. If I'm unhappy with something about myself, I work and change and fix my mindset if necessary. It's true, that's a lot of wonderful progress and self awareness, but there's greater truth out there.
I know who I am now, and I want to share that. I want to be connected to people who are similar and different. I want to rebrand, as Schmidt on New Girl might say. I want something more. I want to put more out into the world. I want you to know who I am.
Friday, June 22, 2018
Thursday, June 14, 2018
Progress Report 6-14-18
In the immortal words of Hayley Williams, "Hard Times make you wonder why you even try."
With Grandma in the hospital, and Oreo's surgery it has been hard to stay focussed on school work or stay positive. I'm constantly battling with fits of anxiety over how to be more helpful. I think we decided that I'm going to have to leave Applebees and care for Grandma when she's discharged. I was really looking forward to working at Applebees again, but what's making me most anxious is having to go in and tell my bosses that I won't be able to work for another three weeks. At that point I'll have hardly been there this summer. I'd only have five weeks left of summer or something. That's how long they had me for over winter break though. But in five weeks I won't work hardly as often, I'm taking time off to work on my personal goals like finishing all of the books I've purchased about learning and cognition! Or cooking! Or mastering the piano. I'm getting better at piano every day! I'm really proud of myself!
I had to cancel my trip to see Jenna though because of Grandma's accident. And I will likely also have to postpone my trip to see Effie. July is going to get busy fast. I'm not sure I'll be able to make it back to Indy to see Halsey anymore. And honestly, I don't know if I'll make enough money to finance all the concerts I'll be intending to go to anyways. Grace and I debated the other day which would be more rewarding: Money to finance all the concerts you could ever possibly want to go to, or Money to travel Europe. She says Europe, but I'm feeling concerts more and more. Concerts are like Rollercoasters for me. They're supposed to make you scared, but then you get so high on the release of that fear and satisfaction from the release.
Young the Giant is coming to Indy in October, and I swear, Wild Horses couldn't stop me from going. Their new single Simplify was released today and it made me so happy.
There's such good music this summer between Give Yourself a Try by the 1975, and Simplify by YTG and so much more. I've recently been listening to more singer-songwriters like Ron Pope and Katy McAllister. Indie rock will always have my heart, especially with such cutting and clever lyrics, but the singer-songwriter/folk genre gets me in my feels.
And obviously, so does Broadway. The Tony's on Sunday were great. I am SO happy that Once on This Island won best revival of a musical. That show has always meant so much to me and I'm so grateful for it. The cast in this revival is also incredible. I think I prefer their soundtrack to the West End one that I grew up on. This was a great year for revivals though, I think the revivals were better than the original shows anyway. Spongebob, Mean Girls, and Frozen are all crowd pleaser theatre. The Band's Visit though, wow. That's beautiful. Such art. But by far Once on this Island had my heart.
I'm seeing Rent tonight. I'm desperate for a good memory. The last time I watched it was on my first date with my ex, a year and a half a go! That was a great night, a great memory, but even the greatest and happiest moments must be subdued. I can't hold up that night like a prism to the sun and see rainbows anymore. I can't look at it through rose-colored glasses and think, after that night my life changed for the better. Now it's just a memory seen by my plain eyes as a time I watched a movie at Jordan hall. I really want to experience theatre. When I saw the Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime on Tuesday with Matt I was experiencing theatre to its full extent.
That play was so incredibly beautiful. In order to fill you with the anxiety and fear an individual with high functioning autism has the team built this frighting soundscape which increased in volume and rhythmic speed so you could feel your blood pressure rise and your heart beat quickly. The lights flashed and spiraled and the actors jumped and twisted and danced around the stage to simulate moving through tunnels and time. The way Christopher, the main character, copes with anxiety is astonishing. Sometimes I feel like him. Sometimes I want to curl up on the floor and extend my arms over my head as if I'm bowing in worship to an Egyptian God. Sometimes I feel as though my body quivers and shakes and I shriek and howl and hit and gnash my teeth and cry. But I rarely do that anymore. Luckily I don't think anyone but my family has seen me react that way before. But sometimes I am Christopher. Sometimes I lack all reason, I just don't feel safe. That's why that book means so much to me. That's why that play means so much to me. That's why every time I pass the Indianapolis Reparatory Theatre I think of the time I almost got to go, and my ex decided to go shopping and we missed it. I think he would have been mesmerized by it. I think he could have understood me better if we had seen it. It's so hard to help you get inside of someone's head to experience their thoughts and emotions, but this play does everything right. Its staging, sound design, and script. Going with my dad made it all the more special though and when you experience something with someone you love it recolors your memory. It isn't so bad that I couldn't go with my ex, because I got to go with my dad, and suddenly it wasn't about him understanding me, it was about us mutually understanding each other.
With father's day around the corner I just want to say, "I love my dad" my dad is awesome. But we've always had a very strained relationship because we simply have never been able to communicate well or understand each other. Since I've gotten older it's gotten better, and now that he's in counseling we're really trying and working hard. He's going to come see the show tonight with me. I don't know if he's ever seen Rent, but I think it'll speak to him. It's a show that has a way of capturing your heart and soul. And, my dad lived in New York at this time. He was a mother f*ing bohemian. He was basically Collins. What a hippie! And then he moved to Flagstaff Arizona, so not exactly Santa Fe, but close! Matt is getting old, he'll be 66 in December and there is a lifetime of stories that I don't know. I hope to learn more while I can.
That's another reason why I think living with my grandma will be nice. I'll get to learn about her, her stories, what she lived through, and who she is. Pam says because of her brain injury she'll probably be irritable and grouchy all the time, and I joked "but I live with Grace so it's okay." Grandma might not really want to share or talk or visit. She's in a lot of pain, but, I'm hopeful.
And so to conclude, I'm finding happiness in my hopes. I'm discovering ways in which lemons can be lemonade or, as a friend once put it, "sweet lemon meringue pie." And hell, I'm happy with just lemons, they're my favorite flavor on the planet! I love sharing that piece of information with new people, on every first date. That's my calling card. That's how people will remember me, I'm the girl who LOVES lemons. If there's one thing that I want my ex to never forget, it's the way I ate the lemon wedges that came with my water (no ice). That's one of the little things you learn about someone that endears them to you. I know it's ridiculous to hope and hold onto something like that, that in time will disappear like every other memory we made, but I can hope, and hope brings me peace which helps me combat "Hard Times" which make me wonder "why I even try." I try because I'm hopeful.
With Grandma in the hospital, and Oreo's surgery it has been hard to stay focussed on school work or stay positive. I'm constantly battling with fits of anxiety over how to be more helpful. I think we decided that I'm going to have to leave Applebees and care for Grandma when she's discharged. I was really looking forward to working at Applebees again, but what's making me most anxious is having to go in and tell my bosses that I won't be able to work for another three weeks. At that point I'll have hardly been there this summer. I'd only have five weeks left of summer or something. That's how long they had me for over winter break though. But in five weeks I won't work hardly as often, I'm taking time off to work on my personal goals like finishing all of the books I've purchased about learning and cognition! Or cooking! Or mastering the piano. I'm getting better at piano every day! I'm really proud of myself!
I had to cancel my trip to see Jenna though because of Grandma's accident. And I will likely also have to postpone my trip to see Effie. July is going to get busy fast. I'm not sure I'll be able to make it back to Indy to see Halsey anymore. And honestly, I don't know if I'll make enough money to finance all the concerts I'll be intending to go to anyways. Grace and I debated the other day which would be more rewarding: Money to finance all the concerts you could ever possibly want to go to, or Money to travel Europe. She says Europe, but I'm feeling concerts more and more. Concerts are like Rollercoasters for me. They're supposed to make you scared, but then you get so high on the release of that fear and satisfaction from the release.
Young the Giant is coming to Indy in October, and I swear, Wild Horses couldn't stop me from going. Their new single Simplify was released today and it made me so happy.
There's such good music this summer between Give Yourself a Try by the 1975, and Simplify by YTG and so much more. I've recently been listening to more singer-songwriters like Ron Pope and Katy McAllister. Indie rock will always have my heart, especially with such cutting and clever lyrics, but the singer-songwriter/folk genre gets me in my feels.
And obviously, so does Broadway. The Tony's on Sunday were great. I am SO happy that Once on This Island won best revival of a musical. That show has always meant so much to me and I'm so grateful for it. The cast in this revival is also incredible. I think I prefer their soundtrack to the West End one that I grew up on. This was a great year for revivals though, I think the revivals were better than the original shows anyway. Spongebob, Mean Girls, and Frozen are all crowd pleaser theatre. The Band's Visit though, wow. That's beautiful. Such art. But by far Once on this Island had my heart.
I'm seeing Rent tonight. I'm desperate for a good memory. The last time I watched it was on my first date with my ex, a year and a half a go! That was a great night, a great memory, but even the greatest and happiest moments must be subdued. I can't hold up that night like a prism to the sun and see rainbows anymore. I can't look at it through rose-colored glasses and think, after that night my life changed for the better. Now it's just a memory seen by my plain eyes as a time I watched a movie at Jordan hall. I really want to experience theatre. When I saw the Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime on Tuesday with Matt I was experiencing theatre to its full extent.
That play was so incredibly beautiful. In order to fill you with the anxiety and fear an individual with high functioning autism has the team built this frighting soundscape which increased in volume and rhythmic speed so you could feel your blood pressure rise and your heart beat quickly. The lights flashed and spiraled and the actors jumped and twisted and danced around the stage to simulate moving through tunnels and time. The way Christopher, the main character, copes with anxiety is astonishing. Sometimes I feel like him. Sometimes I want to curl up on the floor and extend my arms over my head as if I'm bowing in worship to an Egyptian God. Sometimes I feel as though my body quivers and shakes and I shriek and howl and hit and gnash my teeth and cry. But I rarely do that anymore. Luckily I don't think anyone but my family has seen me react that way before. But sometimes I am Christopher. Sometimes I lack all reason, I just don't feel safe. That's why that book means so much to me. That's why that play means so much to me. That's why every time I pass the Indianapolis Reparatory Theatre I think of the time I almost got to go, and my ex decided to go shopping and we missed it. I think he would have been mesmerized by it. I think he could have understood me better if we had seen it. It's so hard to help you get inside of someone's head to experience their thoughts and emotions, but this play does everything right. Its staging, sound design, and script. Going with my dad made it all the more special though and when you experience something with someone you love it recolors your memory. It isn't so bad that I couldn't go with my ex, because I got to go with my dad, and suddenly it wasn't about him understanding me, it was about us mutually understanding each other.
With father's day around the corner I just want to say, "I love my dad" my dad is awesome. But we've always had a very strained relationship because we simply have never been able to communicate well or understand each other. Since I've gotten older it's gotten better, and now that he's in counseling we're really trying and working hard. He's going to come see the show tonight with me. I don't know if he's ever seen Rent, but I think it'll speak to him. It's a show that has a way of capturing your heart and soul. And, my dad lived in New York at this time. He was a mother f*ing bohemian. He was basically Collins. What a hippie! And then he moved to Flagstaff Arizona, so not exactly Santa Fe, but close! Matt is getting old, he'll be 66 in December and there is a lifetime of stories that I don't know. I hope to learn more while I can.
That's another reason why I think living with my grandma will be nice. I'll get to learn about her, her stories, what she lived through, and who she is. Pam says because of her brain injury she'll probably be irritable and grouchy all the time, and I joked "but I live with Grace so it's okay." Grandma might not really want to share or talk or visit. She's in a lot of pain, but, I'm hopeful.
And so to conclude, I'm finding happiness in my hopes. I'm discovering ways in which lemons can be lemonade or, as a friend once put it, "sweet lemon meringue pie." And hell, I'm happy with just lemons, they're my favorite flavor on the planet! I love sharing that piece of information with new people, on every first date. That's my calling card. That's how people will remember me, I'm the girl who LOVES lemons. If there's one thing that I want my ex to never forget, it's the way I ate the lemon wedges that came with my water (no ice). That's one of the little things you learn about someone that endears them to you. I know it's ridiculous to hope and hold onto something like that, that in time will disappear like every other memory we made, but I can hope, and hope brings me peace which helps me combat "Hard Times" which make me wonder "why I even try." I try because I'm hopeful.
Tuesday, June 5, 2018
Progress Report 6-5-18
Start video at 1:15m and see what I'm talking about! I have to brag on my mother for a moment, because DAMN,
1,2,3, what would you do with 96G?!!Pamela Hadley just got funded 6 Million Dollars to change the lives of so many children across America. I am so incredibly proud of her. I'm proud and happy for a lot of people in my life right now too.
I'm really happy for my health, both mental and physical. I've been working out and eating healthy for a little under a month and it's paying off! I am also in a really positive and happy mind set where even when I experience negative feelings, I accept them, reflect on them, and move on. They don't all have to be shared all the time with everyone. I used to really need that. I used to have to tell people how I felt and what I was experiencing in order to feel better about those emotions, but journaling again has given me so much peace and distance. Journaling was what saved me in middle school and it is what is saving me again.
I got really freaked out yesterday when I was talking to a friend preparing for her L-SAT. At the end of this year, my junior year, I will have to take placement tests for my student teaching, and my GRE for grad school so that I can begin applying for school psychology programs. I'll also start looking for jobs and figuring out to what city I'm going to move after Butler. Things are tough right now, and I'm always grinding away, but I stay on it because of my mom and my sister and my dad.
I realized how much I love my family and what an important priority they are. I like being home. I don't mind that I'm not in Ireland on this fullbright, or doing some stand in internship. I am a home body. I like going to go see movies with Matt at the IMAX, and sitting out on our new deck with Grace talking about goofy stuff like astrology. I really love just having a moment to myself to breathe and thank God for all of the good things in my life.
I am so thankful to Pamela for her amazing, shining, inspiring example. She has worked so hard, yet still managed to be a strong parental figure. She knows she prioritized family a little too much and created my codependence. But she's doing a lot better too. She's trusting more. Giving Grace and I more freedom. Hell, she left for China a week ago and has only texted us once a day with amazing pictures. That's an independent mama!! I'm so wicked proud of her.
In other news, Adam, Hollyann, Joey and I are all planning to go see Paramore in July back in Indy and I'm beyond excited! Paramore has been one of my favorite bands since the sixth grade. No matter what mood I'm in, Hayley Williams has me covered. I cannot wait. I'm going to steal her look. Gosh I love concerts so much and I don't know what the best part is? Paramore's music? Adopting Paramore's aesthetic? Going with my best friends?
This is the summer of concerts for me. I'm seeing Paramore, Børns, and The Maine, I'm seeing Halsey and Walk the Moon again. I just want to have fun. I just want to experience life. I may not change the world yet, but I have 26 (Paramore reference, but also reference to Pam's success) years to. I will never stop working hard to have what I want. But I'm okay if it takes a little time. I'm going to stop and smell every rose (colored boy) along the way. Life is too precious to waste time working to an end. I want my life to be the means to the end, not the end to a means.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)