Well, tonight I watched Avengers Infinity War and I have to tell you, even though Jonah liked it, WAY too much, I liked it a lot too. Green Day, you know isn't the greatest band in the world, but my God I will sing along to American Idiot's Soundtrack all the live long day. And New Girl, when I'm alone tucked underneath my weighted blanket in a dank room in resco which I never fully settled into, will make me laugh until I cry harder than even How I Met Your Mother. I am Jessica Day, hello, her life's calling is to be a middle school vice principal, she makes goofy voices and role plays with inanimate objects, and she strives to be happy and positive in all avenues of life and love. She's dorky and embarrassing beyond belief to everyone else, but Jessica lives purposefully and intentionally. Moreover, the cast of characters of her insane roommates, Coach, Winston, Schmidt, and Nick all remind me of Spencer and Jenna. They're really good friends. I miss sitting up with them late at night overlooking the firepits and the fairy lights and joking about everything and anything while listening to The City. Speaking of which!!!! THE 1975 HAS A NEW SONG RELEASED TODAY AND I'M SO EXCITED TO LISTEN TO IT. I haven't yet because my entire drive home was dedicated the The Last Five Years soundtrack, but, still, I know what I'm doing tomorrow.
I'm home right now because I completed my first of the three summer classes today. I was so beyond stressed. Whenever I have a presentation I panic. And of course it didn't help that right before I got up there I got a little groupme notification. Hello ex boyfriend! Once more, welcome back to my life, I really didn't know what to say to you, so forgive me, I was really nervous and preoccupied with something else. In any case, my teacher thought the presentation was really good, even if my standards for myself were much higher than hers. That's the rub of being a truly gifted student, you can't settle.
I'm so done settling in every aspect of my life. I'm done being complacent. I've been working out for an hour everyday, drinking water, eating well and cooking frequently! I've been doing my assignments with diligence, I've been reading, my piano skills are coming along very well. I'm doing great! I won't settle for anything less than great. I spent all last summer depressed on the floor of my living room in between shifts at Applebees waiting for someone else to make me happy. I hate that girl. She's Cathy from the Last Five Years. This Summer is Going to be different. I'm going to do everything I can to make it extraordinary. I've learned how to love myself in a way I never had before so now I want to celebrate her.
Ellen is an incredible human being and she is going to live an incredible life.
It always surprises me when other people recognize that, people like Becki at work, Dr. Esteves in class, Dr. Hunter in Resco, Dr. Martin, Dr. Bohannon, and Carol Montgomery in the psych office. So many people believe in me and see my greatness and every time I have an interaction with one of these esteemed adults I see my reflection in their praise, not an imposter, but truly me. I don't mean to brag, I'm just ecstatic. I've done something right, something well.
In my assessments course that I just completed we talked about the dangers of placing your worth in grades. For a long time that's who I was. I was smart and only smart. And then I came to college and I got to be smart and kind. But now, I'm whole in a way I've never felt before. I sing always. I smile always. I feel twenty pounds lighter. I feel light years faster. I can feel again. Life isn't a laundry list of problems I need to solve, life is a laundry list of opportunities I can select from. I've never wanted to do laundry more. I've never wanted to pull out of the dryer a crisp blue blouse with lace embroidery more than I do tonight, right now, laying on grey carpet with a cat purring beside me.
No comments:
Post a Comment