I'll pretend I don't think about you when I hear our favorite song
and that the words aren't about you when I sing along
and that I'm doing better and I'm moving on
because that's what you would want
Choke, Ellen Rispoli, 2018
I've never felt so off balance in my life. I am usually so grounded. The world seems so sharp and focussed but now my life is a blur and my mind is spinning. I hate how much I miss him and how awful it will be to avoid him when classes start next week. I don't want to avoid him but I know if I run into him I'll be a mess and so I need to avoid him until I'm strong enough. Talking to Ken tonight I started imagining myself at some beta party where he's awkwardly sitting on a couch pretending to enjoy himself but really just staying until he feels like he's been polite enough. I'd walk over and ask to sit down. I imagined his eyes lighting up and telling me yes, and then we talk all night... but in reality he'll probably say, "you probably shouldn't" or he'll say "sure" but then get up and walk away. I hate that reality, but that's why it's called reality.
I'm so anxious about going back to school. I haven't purchased my books yet. I am not excited. I'm so proud of all the work I've done and progress I've made in identifying my codependency and working to strengthen my boundaries and self love and self awareness and just everything I can do better to function independently but amidst all of this I know how much I love him and how deeply my feelings run after this time apart. That's what we were supposed to talk about and evaluate once break finished. I would realize how much I loved him and wanted to fight for us. I don't know why everything is a struggle or a fight in my head, why I feel like I don't deserve things handed to me. I've always had to work ten times as hard to get what I want out of my education, or my friendships, or relationships. But do I want him, or do I want love.
He apologizes, every time we speak, because he doesn't want to hurt me. My boundaries book had such a moving passage in it about hurt and harm and how they differ. Things we enjoy can harm us, and things that hurt us can heal us. The book used an example of getting a cavity drilled. The pleasant experience of eating candy harmed our teeth, but the unpleasant experience of the dentist fixing the tooth hurt. Sometimes hurt can be really good and all of my growth is a testament of that.
I suppose what I know now is that my goal over break was not to get over my relationship with my ex. I never actually wanted to, and I still don't really, I just wanted to work on myself. I can do that and I'm not afraid to. I've been hurt but I am healing so many wounds I didn't realize that I had. I regained music, I got out my piano and started composing again! The lyrics above came to me in the shower, where I sing again. I also play out conversations, with his friends and him... I had a pretend fight with his best friend in the shower tonight actually. It's embarrassing because I want to be friends with them all. I want to start over and pretend someone else hurt me and was the love of my life and that my ex is just another friend. One day maybe I can.
Still I cry. I cry because there is a new life ahead that I know nothing about and rather than be excited about what it brings I am off balance and blurry eyed from the tears. I love him more than I knew the same way you love a stuffed animal from childhood more after your mom re-gifts it to a young cousin. I miss him everyday. But one day, I won't. Tomorrow we will have been broken up for a month. It will be the hardest month, the way the first week was the hardest week, and this past year was the hardest year in moving on after my highschool boyfriend.
Dear ex boyfriend,
thank you for helping me realize life could be beautiful. Thank you for showing me what it is like to be loved in return. Thank you for helping me grow in my discomfort and helping me realize I could do anything in the world. Dear ex boyfriend thank you for holding me while I cried and reassuring me that life always goes on. You didn't realize it, but you were preparing me for this moment all along. Everything we do prepares us for everything we one day will. So thank you. Thank you for loving me and thank you for breaking up with me. Thank you for respecting all the things I need to do to become better. I'm sorry I haven't moved on, and one day when I see you with someone else I will force myself too, but for now, I am unable to yet. I am a better person for having loved you and I am so proud of myself for that. Thank you so many times over. Thank you.
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