After a break up I always dive back into classic rock music. I think I feel more empowered when I listen to strong guitar riffs and drums beats and bass lines. Zepplin was yesterday, Hendrix today. I just really enjoy this music.
When I first started dating my ex we listened to Queen, but over time the classic rock faded into new wave and Indy rock. I love the evolution and I really enjoy the music my ex exposed me to, but, it will forever be his music. My favorite songs are these classics. I blur lines too much when dating someone. This is called compliant personality my boundaries book taught me.
Something else I realized yesterday was what exactly codependence is. I always confused codependence with interdependency, believing that because I was an autonomous, self assured individual I couldn't be codependent. But codependent relationships are unbalanced. When my ex and I first started dating, as with my high school boyfriend before him I desired interdependency. That's a healthy relationship goal, but I realize now that even if that is my goal, if it is unreciprocated by nature the relationship becomes codependent. My exes never gave as much as I did, and rather than pull back or remove myself from those relationships I tried harder. By nature, I am in fact a codependent. I believe that having healthier boundaries will allow me to avoid this in future relationships. I wish I hadn't been so blind, and I wish someone had told me what I was doing. Effie tried to tell me I did too much but she came off as critical. Very critical. And so I became defensive. She'd tell me I needed sleep too, but I would insist that my ex's success and happiness was important to me. THAT WAS A PROBLEM! A BIG PROBLEM!! He needs to be responsible for himself and I for me. I can't enter into another relationship where I idolize and idealize my partner and make these big life sacrifices for them. The boundaries book reminds me that that isn't love and I'm not selfish for choosing myself.
Do I wish that I had found this sooner and begun to work through my boundary issues while I was still in a relationship with my ex? Of course! However, I can still create change in my life this way. I do not have to be a codependent who is always in a relationship. I don't want to be in one right now. Saturday at lunch with Renata she explained since her break up with her high school boyfriend she has really enjoyed being alone. She used to notice herself crushing on someone and then trying everything in her power to "make him mine" but now she just notices the crush and lets it go. I'm going to try to do that. I think that's the healthiest thing for myself and for others until I work on my boundaries.
One other thing I learned yesterday was that it was all but fated for me to fall in love with my ex. I'm not a codependent though I exhibit codependent tendencies and my ex isn't a narcissist but he exhibits narcissistic tendencies (and my high school boyfriend is a full blown narcissist). I latched onto his charisma, his sexuality, his confidence. I, unassuming Ellen, felt high on pride in him and inflating his ego. I'm pretty darn impressive myself, but I would never take the same sort of pride in myself the same way I have in my significant others. I would feel validated by having someone so impressive love me. I'm impressive in my own right and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that-- in fact my exes and their rocket science like prowess would never consider me to be impressive. Narcissists and codependents get high off of each other. Of course they fall in love. They are equally broken and perfectly matched. I fought every urge to send podcast and youtube video links to my ex when I found this evidence. I can't control his healing. He's not part of my life any more. Boundaries keep the good in and the bad out, and right now he's not good for me. I don't know if he ever will be so long as I struggle with my boundaries. I can't think that I'm fixing myself to improve our chances of being better suited for each other, even though I consider that. I need to let him completely go, but I won't. I don't know how I can.
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