Progress Report 1-20-18

If you don't love me now, you will never love me again, I can still hear you say you would never break the chain. -Fleetwood Mac, The Chain

As I walked back from my car, which I parked across from yours, "The Chain" popped up on my spotify shuffle of all the classics I've been listening to. I heard the words and felt their truth as I walked back to Fairview. I saw the light on in his window during the guitar solo and I danced like hell, spinning and laughing and having a great time because I understood. He stopped loving me a long time ago, even when we were together. The entire last month of our relationship was platonic on his part and strenuous on mine. I told him I felt like someone he loved but was not in love with, and that's who I'll always be. He won't love me outside of this relationship and he won't realize it. It has always been over.

I had been seeing all of these signs encouraging me to reach out to him recently. To apologize. To try to be friends.

For one thing, yesterday was my cousin's husband's 25th birthday. They've been married 3.5 years and have a one year old. My cousin wrote, "we've spent 1/5 of our lives together, and here's to forever more" on the post and I realized how scary it was to think of the future. Even though I was deeply convinced that my ex and I had a solid future together I never in a million years thought about being married with a child at 25. That's scary to commit to a forever. I wanted to call him and apologizing for making him feel that way and to say that there was no time line with us and I didn't expect anything like that ever, I just saw these vivid images of us waking up in bed together, having a little flat in Brooklyn, and I wanted to one day share those experiences with him. But I'm 20! I'm not looking for forevers or life partners. I thought I did when I met him. I thought that's what I wanted but it's not and I know that now and I thought, maybe that would change everything... Thankfully I didn't say anything.

Another alleged sign I noted was when I was tucking Anna into bed tonight. I told her I was coming to church with her tomorrow and she said I'd like it and wished I had seen her Christmas pageant like I said I would. I explained that I needed to be with my mom that weekend because someone upset me. She asked why I was sad and I told her that someone I loved deeply didn't want to be my friend anymore. She didn't ask me who, she knew. She said his name and I started balling in front of the seven year old I babysit. She told me, "you don't have to be girlfriend and boyfriend anymore, but you're friends with everyone that you love." I repeated to her, "no Anna, we aren't friends at all anymore." But I wanted to be. I wanted to be platonically friends. And I thought to myself this was the moment I come to my senses and try to make that work. I embrace all of the resentment and tolerance I felt as his girlfriend who was treated like his friend and be grateful for his friendship exclusively. But I remembered the resentment and how much more I wanted and said a little prayer. I reminded myself that I deserved more. I knew we couldn't be friends when I told that to him two weeks ago now. I stand by that. I don't want to be friends. He may not have done anything wrong other than stop loving me. I can love him and want the best for him without being in love with him anymore. Slowly that's proving to be true.

Ryan, Anna's brother asked me when we were listening to music tonight if I was in love with anyone. I told him no. In every conversation I dramatize in my head of my ex's and my reacquaintance I say, "I'm still in love with you" but the longer it goes by, the more I know that isn't true. How can I be in love with someone who's not there? I'm in love with the memories. I'm in love with the feelings. I'm in love with the moment and the lessons... I'm not in love with him.

I'm excited to go to church tomorrow actually! Karen said it's a really progressive church and they do their choir practices on Sunday mornings so I may not even have to make an evening commitment if I want to sing with them! I'm excited to start saying yes to healthy choices and decisions.

Keely is a really good and healthy friend for me. She and I got into a fight and cried in the car about it together because we both value each other so deeply. Sure my ex and I cried together every time we tried to reconcile but I didn't trust him. There was something he couldn't do, or wasn't telling me about the words we shared and the feelings he felt that we couldn't overcome a challenge or obstacle he experienced. Keely on the other hand loves me in a way I can only hope to be loved by a man one day. I will never take her for granted. I will always appreciate that she is transparent with the things I do which burden her, and that we can both acknowledge our mistakes. I don't need a reminder that I'm worthy of a true love or a true friendship, but she is a reminder to be grateful for it when it happens.

That's about all the insights I have for me today. I did speak to Renata. She was immensely helpful because she told me that I was breaking my patterns of relationships past with this one. Obviously I'm too proud to be dumped.  And obviously I'm still thinking about self improvement and ways I can be more open to future relationships, but she said she was proud of me for not worrying about my ex so much and really taking a look at what my needs are after a break up. I'm the nurturing type. I avoid my problems by helping others with theirs. I recognize that I hide from pain by absorbing other people's and now without a boyfriend or a best friend to load their pain on my shoulders I can't hide. I can sit in bed and watch Love Sick on Netflix for two hours pausing periodically to cry. I can read a book on presence and boundaries. I am free. So

thank you ex boyfriend, for every "I'm sorry" because I don't need to wonder about how you're doing or how you feel. I do, but I know I don't have to. I know that all I'll ever know is that you're sorry and you didn't want to hurt me. And that's where we can leave it. No excuses. Just ownership. It takes two to break up. I don't know what I did. But I'm sorry too. I don't know if I write to you because I want you to know that I'm sorry, or if I need to process all the reasons I shouldn't be sorry. In the last five weeks I've learned so much. I'm really proud of myself. I really love myself. And I love you too. I miss you every day. But one day I won't. Maybe you already don't miss me. I'm happy for you. That's what distance and silence gives us. As the silence sets in we resolve and create a closure of our own. Then we move on. I haven't wanted to yet, but, "you will never love me again" and so I must.