Progress Report 12-21-17

I didn't slow down enough to keep track of all of the things I have learned. For one thing, Serving is going to be difficult. My brain was so overwhelmed I could hardly keep anything straight. I slept for a few hours upon my return home because I was so completely and totally wiped. I believe I will be successful because I am friendly, and I have a good memory. It will just take a while for me to learn.

I went over to Elissa's to celebrate Christmas. As soon as I had one foot in the door I was embraced and told everything would be okay. I laughed. I knew things would be okay, because they are okay. I kept repeating over and over again that it was all okay. But the stories and memories that flooded back while listening to stories about new found love, and the joys of a perfect long term relationship reminded me of things I have repressed at this point. I am trying so hard to be okay that I haven't felt everything yet.

The second chapter of my break up book is called "Expression." This is a chapter about mourning. I really liked the quote, "reflect on a fundamental truth: anyone who doesn't have the good sense to recognize what you have to offer doesn't deserve your time. Anyone who missed that point hasn't fully enjoyed the offering of your love." Sadness without reflection is simply a waste of time. But reflection without sadness may not be as productive either, I realized, it only creates "similar love, similar dynamics, and similar heartache at the end." This is the most accurate statement that resonated with me today. I was pondering my exes previous relationships while driving home from my friend's. He told me the narrative of a boy who was dumped out of the blue for another. I whole heartedly believed there were no redeeming qualities about this shallow ex-girlfriend of his because she was impatient and needy. This isn't true. She, like I, probably experienced the same distant and detached behavior and she had enough self respect to date someone who would treat her the way she would want to be treated. I then thought about my narrative. "I always date emotionally unavailable guys who make me a second priority." But chances are, both of my ex boyfriends experienced the same pressures I put on people to externally validate me, or to prioritize me. It is important to remember we play equal parts in our relationships and their demises. I don't want there to be a pattern of men I date and reasons we dissolve.

Also while reading this book, I realized how incredibly mature I am for recognizing my same mistakes and wanting to change. I am incredibly self-aware. I am goal oriented. I am unstoppable. I feel powerful and like I am in control of my life. I honestly do feel very content and happy with who I am. And I honestly am perfectly comfortable being alone for a while until I've worked on everything I need to. "Break ups happen no matter who we are, or what we do. If you're willing to stop for a moment, take a deep breath, look at the signals you got over time, and accept the possibility that it really was time to say goodbye, you can begin to heal." I do think it was time to say goodbye. Initially I thought everything had been cut short, but I do think we needed some distance, he and I.

The chapter instructed me to look at a mirror and log how I felt in doing so because "relationships are often like mirrors; our mates often reflect back both our attributes and our faults."

I felt distressed. I saw a vacancy in my eyes. My expression exhibited fatigue and weariness. My throat felt tight and my stomach churned uneasily. My heart felt heavy, like lead, solid, as if no blood was flowing, only drowning the vessels.

It's okay to feel this way. It's okay to feel, "not okay" so long as you are getting better.