Pamela allowed me to read the love letters Matt wrote her. She kept them all. We cried. I was so overwhelmed by how much he loved her. I deserve to feel privileged and honored and lucky the way she got to feel-- the way he told me I made him feel. I believe this recognition of self worth will help me be better. I am becoming better. Every day.
I got a 98/100 on my final paper for my Texts and Ideas class about medicine and American Literature. This is the course I hated with every fiber of my body. Somehow, I succeeded. I received such nice feedback explaining how well I engaged with the texts. I did not work very hard in that class or on that paper. I feel incredibly externally validated. I recognize I need internal validation. I will discover ways to validate myself and remind myself of my worth so that I do not rely externally so much. But I will relish and bask in the glowing review and final grade.
Alyson messaged me today. She is the friend who did not come to visit me in Indianapolis over the summer. She hurt me deeply, but has been making an effort to come back into my life. I am more receptive and forgiving. I do not want to be grudging or vengeful any longer. It takes too much energy. I forgive her, and I forgive him.
May we speak candidly? Shakespeare said it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. I agree because loss is a learning experience. I believe Alanis Morissette sang about that actually. I have been listening to her music more because my dad loves her. I want to make sure everyone learns. That is my passion. However, I learned about myself today that I can not be a good teacher or researcher without trust. As a teacher I must trust my students are learning even if they don't behave the way I expect them to. I cannot control them. I must honor and respect them. I can be better at that if I am better at trust. Some people have a better idea of how someone thinks because they are more insightful into body language but body language only offers so many clues. Sometimes the pupils you are studying are more concealed. Whether he was concealed or open, I was blind. I need to trust blindly.
I was thinking about the last time I had to say goodbye to him. We missed the end of the Tony's so that I could get back to my car which was parked outside his home. We drove down the country road lit by fireflies and the stars and sang. I cried in the passengers seat quietly knowing I wouldn't see him again for ten weeks. Those ten weeks were long, but these five feel longer. It feels longer knowing that I may actually never see him and that I have no right to hear from him again. I blocked him because I respect him. I knew he loved me then, but now, I spend five weeks not knowing and learning to be okay with that.
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