Progress Report 12-28-17

Today's heart healing advice centered around trust. This is such an important part of my healing process and self improvement process I wish I could have had more insight. A few things that the book provided me with that I liked include:

"The real causes of mistrust reflect back on ourselves. If you were never willing to trust your ex completely, why were you surprised when your ex proved to be untrustworthy?"

When I think about where my trust in my ex broke down, it came from my own failure to acknowledge my importance and value. Because I couldn't see that I relied heavily on his external validation but did not trust for others to believe in something that I myself could not. This is a prime example of how you must truly love yourself if you expect others to love you. This is something I'm working on because I want to trust that I will be treated with dignity, equality, respect, and love. Always. And by the end of my previous relationship, I could not trust my partner to treat me in this way, and it scared me. I wasn't sure why I suddenly felt mistrust, but the insight my book provided suggested,

"Mistrust is born when a shared understanding, whether spoken, written, or just assumed (like common courtesy), is violated"

The understanding in question was that I needed external validation through words and actions that ceased. I didn't like this about myself and so I didn't want to become upset when there was "nothing wrong" just because I was no longer validated. However, that was important to me. I wasn't entirely honest with myself and this allowed mistrust to fester and grow. I think that by acknowledging I didn't want to feel that way I could have worked through those feelings better than pretending as if it did not matter.

"If you want to trust someone... trust that he or she will be just as humanly frail as you, and make mistakes just as you do. But most important, trust that his or her intentions are inspired by love. To have this opportunity, this strength, you'll need to commit to the happy, hopeful uncertainty of the future from right here in what will become your past. This will help return you to your true and loving ideals" 

I have never found uncertainty to be happy or hopeful. Uncertainty sends me into fear and panic. I know exactly what I want to do in life and exactly who I am because I must be certain to feel in control. A loss of control, as one must expect with a partner, is something I am not comfortable with, perhaps because, I do not trust things to fall into place. Even if I can not trust other people I must remember to trust in the Lord. The summer after my freshman year I sang in a gospel choir the following psalm: "Wait on the Lord, be of good courage, and he shall strengthen thine heart"- Psalm 27:14. This message about trusting in the Lord has always stayed with me, perhaps because of the way the music moved me. No music like Gospel music helps me feel the strength and power of God.

Psalm 56:3 instructs me, "when I am afraid, I put my trust in you." I was very afraid today. I had a panic attack because I noticed that I was starting to lost sight of my healing process. I was beginning to get busier and overwhelm myself with friends and work and I wasn't checking in with myself as much as I would have liked. I panicked because I forgot to take my medication this morning which I am trying not to do. I need this medicine. I am important. Whatever else I have to do is not more important than my health. I can not sacrifice or compromise myself or my needs. After taking my meds I felt better going in to serve by myself tonight and I didn't do amazingly, but I did well enough for me. I am enough. I don't have to be perfect. I don't have to be Super-Ellen. I just have to do it.

Day Nine of Self Love Challenge: What is something in your life that you need to get rid of?

Negativity

and I will do that with my Be More Positive Challenge: Whenever you have a minute take three full deep breaths
Know Yourself Better: If I could have one wish, it would be

To love freely and never be hurt

Self-Aware: How do I deal with change?  Do I avoid it, welcome it, fear it, like it, complain about it, stress about it, worry about it?

Depending on the change I either fear it or welcome it. I know it is unavoidable so it is one of those two reactions for the most part. 

Self-Care: List your favorite things

Girls in white dresses with blue satin sashes... just kidding that's Maria Von Trapp's

I love: bears, star light, the smell of gasoline, writing with a sharpie marker, lipstick, singing, the color orange, freshly shaven legs, hugs from someone taller than me, Beauty and the Beast, the french language, Butler Basketball, Butler university, children, praise from people I am trying to impress, unsolicited praise from people I wasn't trying to impress, the weight of my cat atop my electric blanket, reading, cabin socks, learning, thinking, memories, reflection, magnolia blossoms, sound canceling headphones, the smell of pink chiffon, a good pun... the list goes on. There are so many things I love and cherish dearly. 

Know Thyself:  What are you most proud of?

My academic achievements. My standing on the Dean's list, my esteem from my professors. The certainty that I will do something meaningful.

Attitude Adjustment: Express Gratitude to at least one important person in your life

I thanked my boss about a million times tonight. Applebees was my first job and working there taught me about myself, people, working, I am thankful to have a famil-bee there and for all the help, love, and support I have received from Peg and everyone else.

Happiness: Meditation

Gratitude: What is a scripture passage or quote you are thankful for? I offered a few previously.

and finally, Move Forward: You have two choices in life, to accept the situation as the way it is or take responsibility to change it. Today I take responsibility. Today I make a change.