Five years ago I recited a poem to a boy over skype. The poem was inspired by the late night conversations we had while I was in Europe and he was still in the states. We didn't really know anything about each other, I just found him funny and charming and completely and utterly addictive. I begged,
"Don't Go/ Stay with me/ The night is just starting to get interesting/ I could stay awake for hours/ Though I wished to retire/ Long ago/ But you are on my mind/ You are everything I think/ I imagine, fantasize, envision, and conceive/ So take a few more moments/ Please Don't Leave."
The screen went dark as a tear rolled down my face. The next day we were officially dating. I impatiently glanced at the clocks throughout my french and geometry finals until the two of us could wander through the crisp white snow around campus. He loved Lord of the Rings, and Dr. Who. He was an outsider, a little like me. He seemed perfect. And he was, for six months.
I dated him for nearly four years. In the last year I learned how to let go of him, but it took a year. It took a year to say goodbye to those memories, good and bad.
I wish I had learned how important it would be to reflect and improve on myself after that last relationship. I wish I had recognized that distance was not the reason he and I could no longer date. I wish I had known all of the problems I could solve within myself before I made someone else responsible for them.
The book I purchased about break ups did come in the mail today. The first chapter is called Independence. I have felt so incredibly independent the last few days. I have felt self-sufficient, and overall, happy! I have actually felt happy. And when people ask me how I'm doing, I get to say "I'm doing all right" and mean it.
My favorite part of today's chapter was the explanation the authors had for why haunting past relationships, like the one I referenced at the start of this report, cause us to fail in our new ones. Bronson and Riley ask if you are truly prepared to give a piece of your heart to someone or if you can only offer "guarded mistrust." I know I must learn how to trust, and to be truly open with someone. I would like to. I'm not sure if I can yet though.
A final thought on this first chapter is my "private" list of indulgences which would make me happy. I consider most things beyond necessities such as food, water, shelter, to be indulgences. I indulge in music. I indulge in prayer. I indulge in sunshine. I indulge in wind. I indulge in laughter. I indulge in smiles. I indulge in color. I indulge in soft sweaters. I indulge in 24-hour lip stains and chapsticks to go with them. I indulge in pineapple. I indulge in reading. I indulge in writing. And I indulge in helping others and being considerate of others. I do not however believe friendship, companionship, and love to be indulgences. As humans we need this to be truly satisfied. I am content, but not yet satisfied and I am working on that.
"Sadness and pain give proof that you're alive. Use them as tools to goad you to grow" is how the chapter concludes and also how I will conclude my progress report. Until tomorrow!
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