Progress Report 12-27-17

Perspective is today's healing step. Perspective is everything. I went to counseling today. It was hard not to negate all of the progress I've made dealing with my anxiety in the last year because I feel like I'm back at square one. My counselor told me last Christmas I was upset about being dumped, but excited for the potential experiences I'd have. The last time I visited with her was January 5. I started reflecting on where I was a year ago and how I have changed. I am so mature. I need to appreciate how much better I am at handling these circumstances than most people and that professional advice is common sense to me now.  I am so incredibly strong. I don't know if that's because I'm stubborn or if it's because I am determined. But I am brave. I am so brave.

It's scary being alone. It's scary not knowing who you are going to turn to. I know who I am, but I realized that I was uncomfortable being who I am, alone. I can work on this. I will. I can. I am strong and I am brave and I am not defeated. I realized today that during the year 2017 I had only kissed one person, whereas in 2016, I'd kissed four. It's kind of surreal. I will always remember this year as the year I was with him. I also realized during counseling how brave he is. He didn't make an easy choice. I told him it was easier to break up than to work through his fears, but neither choice was truly easy. He loved me a whole lot, and to decide that I deserved better has to have been hard. I had always wanted for my partner to give me a way out. I always wanted for my partners to admit to me it wasn't working and I deserved more. He did. I do. However, now, knowing the way we both hurt and are trying to heal I don't want anyone to feel that way again.

I will be better in the future at recognizing for myself when a situation is not ideal. Taking on his perspective, at how hard it must be for him to let go of something so wonderful makes my heart break. I respect and love him even more. But we can both be strong. We can both handle this. And we will become better people because we have loved each other. I love him, and I think I always will. We used to tell each other that we appreciated one another, because that was a much more meaningful compliment than to only love someone. I want to tell him, if he ever reads this, that I appreciate him more than words for giving me freedom. I have thought for a long time that it was me, setting him free to find himself, but he let me go, and I went. I didn't fight, or I didn't fight hard enough. And now I'm growing, and I'm grateful.

Today is day eight of my challenges. In the Self Love Challenge I was asked, "where in your life do you need to slow down?" My answer,

All of it. I work too much, I play too much. What I do for fun is not the same as what relaxes me so I need to cut that in half. I need to slow down, relax, feel my emotions. Be present. 

Be More Positive: What are some of your values and what is the most important one in your life?
At the beginning of the school year we did an activity where we chose 20 values that we have for ourself, our relationships, and interaction with the world. The way I interact with others in my personal relationships is what I truly value because I value people. This list consisted of the following values

Communication, Respect, Diversity, Trust, Friendship, Family, Patience, and ultimately Loyalty. 

Loyalty is preserved by patience which develops from a familial bond which grows from friendship based on trust of respect for diversity as a result of communication. We cannot have loyalty without communication at its roots. I firmly believe that loyalty is so incredibly important and that's why I fear abandonment and that's why I am slow to trust. Because I so highly prize loyalty it is so hard for me to let go of people who may not even be good for me. I have remained loyal at my own expense when communication ran out. He warned me that this may not be good. I am working on valuing communication above loyalty and patience and all else. Reframing your thoughts can be difficult, but it necessary to grow.

My Know Yourself Better question of the day is: What are my values and what do I believe in? The answer is stated above. I am sensing a theme! Especially when I consider the values activity I performed in my break up book yesterday.

Self-Awareness: How do I respond when plans change or plans get cancelled without my say so?

Sometimes I'm relieved. Sometimes I'm agitated. Most frequently I panic. I am trying to be better at that. The medication has helped.

Self-Care: Make a Happy Music Playlist. If you'd like to listen to it, it is on spotify!
Know Thyself: When was the last time you did something you were afraid of?

Today. When I went to counseling the receptionist needed me to sign paperwork that I didn't have all the information for, and I had left my cell phone at Applebees and so I was terrified. Literally crying because I wasn't sure what to do and paralyzed with fear. While these experiences are not fun, I am learning. I won't be scared next time.

Attitude Adjustment: No Complaints
Happiness: Crafting! I am so excited to paint in the workshop with Matt for his birthday. I'm doing a mural in the basement!
Gratitude: Write about a simple pleasure you're grateful for

I am thankful for the feeling of freshly shaven legs on warm sheets. When your legs are smooth you can feel the thread count. During the winter (and especially now that I'm single) I have not been shaving regularly. In fact, the last time I shaved was nearly three weeks ago, the last time I spoke to him. But I shaved my legs and there is no better feeling in the world!

More Forward: Learn from mistakes

and I am. and I always will. My life motto is to regret nothing, only learn. I am a learning nut; A learning fanatic! My parents must be so proud! To whoever is reading, think about what you've learned today, it may surprise you.