I need to be better without you so that I can be better with you.
I am able to identify my fear. I will not let them overwhelm me. Can you count ten deep breaths without feeling relaxed? I felt my soul begin to lift at the third breath, and by the sixth I lost track. I can be scared. It's okay to be scared. It is uncomfortable to be scared but I am learning to sit with discomfort and grow. It is uncomfortable to recognize that there is a reality where he is no longer part of my life. It is uncomfortable not knowing how he feels. But I am becoming better because of it. This is a cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), or an "exposure." I did my best growth in high school applying CBT. I am reinvigorated.
I am getting the sleep I need.
A kid who went to my high school messaged me today. We haven't spoken since my graduation. He was a sweet kid who sang in choir with me. He let me know that I was really meaningful in his life. I did nothing. I thought nothing of it. I am a drop in the ocean, and I will just let my presence ripple out.
My pursuit of self-improvement and priorities and passions and trust and presence is slow. I was always impressed by how easily he could alter his mindsets by telling himself to believe something to be true or untrue. I am trying to do that. I am trying to self monitor better.
I recognized another flaw. I like to have the last word but I also hate the uncertainty of not knowing how someone reacts to me. I pretend I do not care. He saw how much I did, though. I will be better at listening and not speaking. My impulse is always to speak. That's why I have severed contact and begun this blog. My high school blog is pretty funny, ln2k16.blogspot.com. It's insighful into who I used to be. How I've grown. And how more or less, I've always been the same.
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