Prologue

I watched Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist tonight.
Nick made all of these mix-CDs for his ex-girlfriend who broke his heart. Norah listened to them when Triss (the ex) didn't even give them a second glance. Triss believed that Nick's devotion to her was pathetic, but Norah was quietly falling in love with the songs and what they said about Nick. Every song has a story, and a meaning and even though Triss didn't understand what Nick was trying to say, Norah did and they connected.
Sometimes I think about who's out there reading this blog. Sometimes I wonder who reads what I have to say, and who feels connected to me.

I don't want to write progress reports anymore about what it means to be happy. Honestly, I don't want to write progress reports anymore because I know nobody cares about how I'm doing or how I'm feeling any more. It's been six months and everyone has moved on, there are bigger problems in people's lives and the world. I feel like if I frame my life in terms of progress I've made in being single or finding happiness in being single then I hold myself back from actually making progress.

I've been single for six months, it's now how I think of myself. Ellen is a happily single person.
Ellen is so much more than that though. Identity is something that you define for yourself. I'm so tired of Ellen existing in relation to other people. I love being a sister, and a daughter, and a friend, even a best friend. But I lived to be a girlfriend. I lived to be loved by someone. These days I live to love myself. If I'm unhappy with something about myself, I work and change and fix my mindset if necessary. It's true, that's a lot of wonderful progress and self awareness, but there's greater truth out there.

I know who I am now, and I want to share that. I want to be connected to people who are similar and different. I want to rebrand, as Schmidt on New Girl might say. I want something more. I want to put more out into the world. I want you to know who I am.