Chapter One: Am I happy yet?

Today I earned the highest compliment I could ever possibly be awarded. I don't remember what I was doing before I turned around and saw Matt eating his stuffed rigatoni at table 81, but he just smiled at me and said, "Ellen, I think you're the happiest person I've ever met." I didn't stop smiling the rest of my shift. What he said really resonated with me because I've tried for so long to see the bright side in life. This year that's been especially hard.

Last year, and I probably do have a post written on December 30th, I was stumbling towards happiness by rebuilding a network of people in my life I wanted to reconnect with. I think one of the greatest healing moments in the last year, however, has been that I have learned how to find new people in my life to care about and rely on. I really am happy in life. I know how to be assertive, I know how to be considerate, I know how to be fair. I ask questions and I listen. I even, and I am shocked to say this, learning how to trust in a way I never used to.

My courses in Elementary Education, and student teaching in a kindergarten classroom showed me that children do not need to be taken care of. Children are curious and learning must be supported appropriately. Just a few days ago we were talking about the difference between taking care of someone and supporting them during a family discussion. My mom explained that "taking care of someone denies them agency. When we think we have to take care of someone we perceive them to be incapable of taking action. Supporting someone is healthier, this is how we show someone we believe they can take action if we help them in little ways." This goes back to the description of the load and the burden that I learned about in my Boundaries book (this is still one of the best purchases I've ever made) so as to say we do not have to carry anyone's burden only the load. Whenever people I care about suffer I slip back into trying to carry their burdens, especially as my family goes through more and more hardships. But I think I do this because I do not trust that they're strong enough to handle things on their own. I doubt them. I deny them agency. And when I do that, I create unhealthy patterns of dependence. This year, between the education classes and personal soul searching and self-improvement kicks I've retrained my brain to trust in the inherent abilities the people I care about possess.

I've also learned to trust God a lot more. I'm eagerly anticipating my baptism into the church of Jesus Christ of latter day saints in the coming year because I know this is the right choice for me. This evening, my dad reflected that without a spiritual center you cannot hope to be balanced and I think that's true. I think people can be spiritual without being religious; and they can be religious without being spiritual. I don't think I ever lost faith, but I forgot its importance in my life for a time. And now, with sincerity and clarity I know God has a plan and I know following his commandments will bring me both joy and blessings in the latter days.

So am I happy yet? Definitely.