Friends,
How do you avoid someone? The fishbowl that is Butler has made it ever so hard to stay away from my ex and it is ultimately unpleasant in every capacity. I saw him going to dinner with a girl last night. A girl who I knew. He seemed happy. It was heart breaking to see them together, because I feel like I'm always running into him when he's happy and doing fine and I never am.
It has been 3 months since the break up now, and I'm still a total mess, just being honest. It's okay for me to still be a mess. I keep invalidating my own personal feelings in order to "change my mindset" but I am only lying to myself. Realizing this, I ask myself what I'm going to do. I have stopped inconveniencing him with my feelings, and he has stopped inconveniencing me by pretending to care about them. That said, I can't figure out if that choice to sever contact was because I felt like I was doing him more harm, or if I felt harmed. This is best, but I don't like it.
What you want and you need are usually the same, but today I know they're different. I know the best thing that happened to me this year was our breakup. Still, I love him. I want the world to be kind to him. I want him to feel love, the love I know someone else will give him one day. It doesn't have to come from me. Because right now, I don't feel capable of giving love to anyone. I am happy that I am single right now. I'm growing, I'm developing, I'm working on myself in ways I never would have before. And that's what this progress report helps me realize. The more I talk honestly and openly about my feelings, the more I realize that I'm going to be okay. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
***Adendum:
Personally, as a woman, not a scorned ex girlfriend or a friend, but as a woman, I don't believe my ex should be dating anyone. He can not compromise himself. That was the big issue. He doesn't want to be held back from anything. So, if that's how he feels, and what he wants, for the sake of all women, it's simply unfair to date someone you have no intention of caring for deeply. It is a sign of loneliness and insecurity and a disservice to men. Be better ex boyfriend. For God's sake. Be better. Not just for me, or for all women either. Be better for yourself.
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