Progress Report 5-28-18: Visits from Friends

This weekend Jenna and Spencer came for a visit and it was so wonderful to see them. It's only been three weeks since we were last all together so we didn't have a lot of catching up to do. Still in three weeks you truly miss someone. We ate brunch on race day and as I flew down 65S Jenna joked we crash the 500 because my car would totally win. She was just really excited to see her boyfriend, I guess. We also hung out around Mass Ave and had some coffee for a few hours. I've been weaning myself off coffee lately because it has made my anxiety so bad, but one glass over the course of three hours on a hot day was perfect.

I got to do some homework when Spencer and Jenna went to go see their boyfriends, and I got a lot done. I motivated myself to finish so that I could get back to the pianos in Lilly. I've been teaching myself how to play some basic chords recently. I've always wanted to, and I got started with it back in February-- but then I didn't have any time to get into Lilly when music students weren't practicing.

These days during the dinner hour I'm the only one inside the building so I get to sing as loudly as I want to and play my favorite piano. Music fills me in a way that exercising doesn't. When I exercise I am not creating anything. I still enjoy it, but I won't spend hours on it the way time disappears and flies by when I'm singing.

After a few hours George got off work and we all met up in Broad Ripple. It was a little after 9:30 and the afterglow was fading pretty rapidly. We sat along the Monon in this wooden gazeebo with a few old chairs and visited for a while. Music emptied into the street from Books and Brew and the rainbow lights La Piedad glimmered on the pavement. The evening atmosphere hung heavy on our arms and in our lungs as we began to talk about our upcoming road trip to visit Jenna for her birthday. I'm so excited to go to Michigan. I've never been. I've also never road tripped with friends further than a day's drive away. We still aren't really sure when or where we're going, but this will be the best summer yet.

George brought something up last night that I want to reflect on. A girl he dated in high school texted him recently. He was so uncomfortable he didn't respond. He described the long text from Lauren while Spencer was nestled up to him smoking on her Jule. George explained that of course he wants the best for his ex, but he has zero desire to be an active part in her life. "All the best to her, but honestly I don't care" he said taking a swig of beer that Spencer had tucked away in her purse. I felt guilty. Of course I want my ex to live his life and all the best for him. And honestly, I don't need to be a part of his life, but I want him to be a part of mine. I began to ask George questions about how he felt after receiving the message and he was only flustered and confused. I took a sigh and shared with my closest friends what I had done and awaited their cruel judgment. But they only had supportive things to say.  They're happy for me, and proud of me. They told me I didn't need to be embarrassed and that even if it's dorky to tuck a note under a windshield wiper, it was fairly mature.

I am so grateful to have friends like them in my life. They want the best for me. They encourage me. We give each other advice. I sometimes feel a little awkward still, Spencer and Jenna will joke around and then I couldn't keep up with the conversation so I'll interject something like "I'm bleeding" or "DOG!" so I feel included in the conversation, but I think I'm finally mastering how to interact in group dynamics. I get a little preachy sometimes when I talk too long, so I appreciate that we don't get into anything like that. I also don't fill my teacher role and try to solve problems. I just listen and ask questions. They've given me so much love and freedom to experiment with my identity and who I want to be as a healthy friend or person.

I really love my friends. I love sitting in a van and listening to the top gun theme as the sun sets on the river. I love getting big red lipstick kisses on my cheek from Jenna when she drops me off at Resco.

Effie asked me a few nights ago if I liked myself at the moment. I told her I liked myself more than I ever had. I think she's still struggling in a lot of ways. I love her and want what's best for her, but this semester because of Jenna and Spencer, but also my breakups with friends and boyfriends, I've learned that I don't have to take care of people. They can take care of themselves, and it's my job to take care of me. And since I've started doing that, I am so incredibly happy.