Progress Report 4-22-18

I left this blog alone because I thought it would be better not to have a way for my ex to check in with me or up on me. That was foolish. I mean, I've been journaling, and that's not foolish at all, keeping all my thoughts and feeling private, I suppose, still,

After 52 days of silence I texted him. Or I wanted to text him, I typed out his phone number and felt guilty. I told him I deleted his number. I did. I still remember it though. I remember when he gave it to the host at Bazbeaux pizza on our first date and how he copied the number wrong too! I felt bad texting him, for fear that he had gotten rid of my number as well and he wouldn't know it was me. So, I messaged him. I didn't message him because I wanted to talk to him. In fact, I wrote him a letter so I wouldn't have to talk to him but, the letter felt too formal. It was weird. It's been a weird week. It's been a weird 6 weeks honestly since my last post. 

I messed up tonight. I went to his concert. I told my friends I really would prefer not to go since I fall in love with him every time I hear him sing. But today I realized, I'm never going to stop loving him in some capacity. I've been moving on, happily, but I don't think those feelings will ever go away. I'll always be happy for him and proud of him and want the best in life for him. And that's okay. He's not responsible for them. I am. And I don't mind feeling them. I don't mind being so incredibly overwhelmed by hearing his voice soaring above the others, or his successful arrangements bringing cheers from the crowd. I don't mind hearing breakup songs and seeing him look across the room to his new girlfriend. I care about him, and that's personal. It doesn't hurt to see him happy. It hurts that I can't talk to him and support him but I know I need to do that from a distance.

I've met so many great guys recently, all of them showing me that I can have my needs met so much better than my ex could. There are amazing guys out there who like me for me. I actually was convinced that I met my soul mate about 3 weeks ago. He was really cool. But, he is still in love with someone else. Even though I thought about my ex a LOT while I was with him, I spoke to Pam last weekend about how natural it is to think about previous experiences with love as someone starts to take down your walls and allow you safety and vulnerability. I'm a little pissed that he insisted on trying to break down my walls and then he told me he didn't want to see me anymore, but it was never serious. 

I am so glad I'm not in a serious relationship. I'm so glad I get to be selfish. I get to spend time with my friends. I'm really incredibly happy. I had one of the best weeks of my life. I was funded money to travel and present research at conferences next year! I got to sing and record and produce some music with Hollyann and Margo. I have played so much Euchre and hung out in the sun for so long all week. I've just had a truly marvelous time in spite of boy drama. And it's not worth it!

Still, I keep wondering if I should tell my ex I'll be around this summer if he wants to talk. I saw that his brother is now dating the girl who broke up with him in October and I had a small hope in my chest for the first time in a long time that we can truly grow and change over extended periods of time apart from one another and we could find our way together again, perhaps not to date, but be close, or maybe not even close, just pleasant or friendly. But I'm done trying. I know I've grown and I'm still growing, and I want to grow more.

If I didn't like his girlfriend so much I would have said something. But I respect her and she's sweet and I can't possibly say anything that might be too threatening like "hey, I've been thinking and I want to talk." I can't give him the letter. I just can write here and hope he's getting curious about what's going on with me. 

In anycase... 

Dear Ex boyfriend: I'm here. I want to talk. If you want to talk to me, please do. I miss you. A lot. I shouldn't. But I do. Pam misses her highschool boyfriend. Hell, I miss my highschool boyfriend. I looked Ben up on facebook actually. He is doing well. He looks really good. Do you like my bangs? I cut them myself actually! It's nice to not facebook stalk him and get mad. You're still blocked on facebook so I don't see anything that would make me mad... (to be perfectly honest, I had to block your girlfriend too because she was the more dangerous source of discomfort. I do really really like her and I am happy for you guys, but I can't handle it right now)

I've written to you a lot. There's a group Rowan got me listening to, Juke Box the Ghost and they have a song called "When the Nights Get Long" all about writing letters to make things better. Great rhyme honestly, but the whole break up concept on the album made me think of you. I've just been thinking about you a whole lot. And that's good. It's not bad. I'm not stuck in those feelings. I push forward, acknowledging them, but I won't drag you into them. I think that's the best course of action honestly. I don't know, maybe not. I don't know. Ahh! It's not my job to think about what's best for you anymore, it's what's best for me. And I broke my silence to be considerate of your feelings. God I hate that I'm like this! 

I just knew it surprised and upset me to see you at Dr. Plenty's recital earlier this month. You freaked me out so bad. I was shaking and weak and I'm feeling symptomatic again just remembering how uncomfortable you made me feel up there. Goodness! It threw me for such a loop since I had met a boy the previous week. He was incredible. This is the soulmate I mentioned. I really really liked him actually. I'm disappointed it wasn't going to work out, but the thing was, I saw you at Dr. Plenty's recital and you were all I could think about, not this incredible guy I just met. And that entire week I considered going to your jazz concert, and the opera, and other things to support you and speak to you and be close to you. Still, I stayed away. I'm not wanted. My friend told me months ago while we were studying at the library: "if a guy wants to be in your life they'll let you know" and so based on your silence I know that I'm not. You don't look at me, or ask about me, you're moving on too.

I'm proud of us. I hope you're proud too. We rock and we're handling this as well as I think we can. Maybe, I hope. I'm not. I'm trying to. It's a process and it's only been four months, so damn it it'll be okay. What's hardest for me now though thinking ahead, is that I first told you that I loved you in a few weeks. It was the first week of May last year. Between the time we stopped speaking this year, and the semester will end, will have been 70 days. Last year I fell in love with you in just under 100 days. That's crazy to me. And we were only together for 300. So, that said, I've taken over 150 days now to try to get over you and I haven't. Love is so fucking powerful. I can't even begin to describe the way it changed me as a person. I hope it changed you. For the better. I hope. ...