Welcome Back

Dear Ex boyfriend:

Glad you got the note and were curious. I don't really get to know if you're reading this or not, but I just wanted this to be the first thing you saw if you did.

I wrote to you that I wasn't angry, and I'm not. As you will see in the following posts there isn't a lot of anger in here. Most of my friends would also attest that I'm pretty good these days actually. Obviously, as any recovery process would have it, there are good days and there are bad days. I've mostly been writing on the bad days because that's when I need the most support from my loved ones and I need a creative outlet.

There are some pretty cringe-worthy things on here, it is deeply personal, please remember that. The point is, I shouldn't be embarrassed by these feelings. They're valid. But, (though this is not a trigger warning) they may be uncomfortable for you to read. If we think back to the last time we talked you said that it made you uncomfortable when I said I considered you family. A lot of the following posts have content similar to that. I do describe the ways I care about you and that I miss you and that's going to make you uncomfortable because chances are, you haven't thought about me much at all so it's a bit of a surprise to have such intense emotion still on this end. I think the greatest closure I got today was rewriting my old journal entries, not just reading them. In that I found how deeply unhappy I had been and due to Effort Justification Theory, (I learned about this in social psychology) of course I would try justify being in an unhappy relationship by intensifying my emotions. That's not a very good explanation of the theory, but you should look it up! There are some great youtube videos by, the lovely, you guessed it: HANK GREEN, and you know, more noteable scientists and professors.

I'm sorry. You aren't responsible for the choices I made or how I felt. So there are definitely some happy posts thrown in here and there, but so that you don't have to go through the burden of sorting through my PAST emotions (even if they are recent past) and inner conflicts I kind of wanted to bring you up to speed on what's really truly good! See my Progress Report 5-6-18. It kind of serves as an overview of my semester, the people I spend time with, the things I'm doing etc. It also is a reintroduction because, like I said in the letter, there are weird parts of me that reflect the me I was when we knew eachother, but that's all they are, reflections.

That's why I want to reconnect, I feel like I'm an incredibly different person. But, the reason why we couldn't be real friends earlier this year was because our expectations were incompatible. It might drive her crazy, but your girlfriend kind of showed me that there's this weird middle ground you can have with people. I really like her. I always have! I'm so glad that you have each other! But the thing is, she and I haven't ever acknowledged the fact that you and I dated and you and her currently do. We're really pleasant and kind but we're not friends. I don't know her at all really but I want to. And it's that wanting to know someone and wanting to make a positive impression on them without being too vulnerable or too trusting that has inspired me to do this.

I recently was crafting, as I do to relax, and I came across a quote on pinterest that also helped me realize, the important people in your life are timeless. You may go through periods where you're close, and not as close, and that's okay, so long as when you come back together it's like nothing has changed. Obviously, a lot has changed for us, and maybe it's selfish for me to say, but, I really hope that we can be timeless. I've been living in memories for six months and though I don't think about you a lot, when I do, I always am tempted to say something. So now I am. There is no pressure to read or respond. Take your time, I won't know that you have read this or my letter and I'll just keep living my life and you keep living yours and maybe someday we'll come back together again.

I feel a little foolish about leaving the word search on your windshield but I wanted to get your attention. I know I said I wouldn't try or contact you or reach out. And I've tried not to because I want to respect your need for distance. But I have no idea how to handle break ups, so I'm experimenting. I always said I was experimenting on you :)

Oh and this is really dumb, but for like actual updates on what I'm doing that is unrelated to my "progress" in regards to the break up and my emotional growth, my instagram is public, the one whose handle is "lns_world."

But I'll post one more time with some stories I want to share too :)
I'm so ready for this blog to return to happy things,
it's called Finding Happiness Afterall

Best wishes, and thank you for reading,
it means a lot!
E.