In the immortal words of Hayley Williams, "Hard Times make you wonder why you even try."
With Grandma in the hospital, and Oreo's surgery it has been hard to stay focussed on school work or stay positive. I'm constantly battling with fits of anxiety over how to be more helpful. I think we decided that I'm going to have to leave Applebees and care for Grandma when she's discharged. I was really looking forward to working at Applebees again, but what's making me most anxious is having to go in and tell my bosses that I won't be able to work for another three weeks. At that point I'll have hardly been there this summer. I'd only have five weeks left of summer or something. That's how long they had me for over winter break though. But in five weeks I won't work hardly as often, I'm taking time off to work on my personal goals like finishing all of the books I've purchased about learning and cognition! Or cooking! Or mastering the piano. I'm getting better at piano every day! I'm really proud of myself!
I had to cancel my trip to see Jenna though because of Grandma's accident. And I will likely also have to postpone my trip to see Effie. July is going to get busy fast. I'm not sure I'll be able to make it back to Indy to see Halsey anymore. And honestly, I don't know if I'll make enough money to finance all the concerts I'll be intending to go to anyways. Grace and I debated the other day which would be more rewarding: Money to finance all the concerts you could ever possibly want to go to, or Money to travel Europe. She says Europe, but I'm feeling concerts more and more. Concerts are like Rollercoasters for me. They're supposed to make you scared, but then you get so high on the release of that fear and satisfaction from the release.
Young the Giant is coming to Indy in October, and I swear, Wild Horses couldn't stop me from going. Their new single Simplify was released today and it made me so happy.
There's such good music this summer between Give Yourself a Try by the 1975, and Simplify by YTG and so much more. I've recently been listening to more singer-songwriters like Ron Pope and Katy McAllister. Indie rock will always have my heart, especially with such cutting and clever lyrics, but the singer-songwriter/folk genre gets me in my feels.
And obviously, so does Broadway. The Tony's on Sunday were great. I am SO happy that Once on This Island won best revival of a musical. That show has always meant so much to me and I'm so grateful for it. The cast in this revival is also incredible. I think I prefer their soundtrack to the West End one that I grew up on. This was a great year for revivals though, I think the revivals were better than the original shows anyway. Spongebob, Mean Girls, and Frozen are all crowd pleaser theatre. The Band's Visit though, wow. That's beautiful. Such art. But by far Once on this Island had my heart.
I'm seeing Rent tonight. I'm desperate for a good memory. The last time I watched it was on my first date with my ex, a year and a half a go! That was a great night, a great memory, but even the greatest and happiest moments must be subdued. I can't hold up that night like a prism to the sun and see rainbows anymore. I can't look at it through rose-colored glasses and think, after that night my life changed for the better. Now it's just a memory seen by my plain eyes as a time I watched a movie at Jordan hall. I really want to experience theatre. When I saw the Curious Incident of the Dog in the Nighttime on Tuesday with Matt I was experiencing theatre to its full extent.
That play was so incredibly beautiful. In order to fill you with the anxiety and fear an individual with high functioning autism has the team built this frighting soundscape which increased in volume and rhythmic speed so you could feel your blood pressure rise and your heart beat quickly. The lights flashed and spiraled and the actors jumped and twisted and danced around the stage to simulate moving through tunnels and time. The way Christopher, the main character, copes with anxiety is astonishing. Sometimes I feel like him. Sometimes I want to curl up on the floor and extend my arms over my head as if I'm bowing in worship to an Egyptian God. Sometimes I feel as though my body quivers and shakes and I shriek and howl and hit and gnash my teeth and cry. But I rarely do that anymore. Luckily I don't think anyone but my family has seen me react that way before. But sometimes I am Christopher. Sometimes I lack all reason, I just don't feel safe. That's why that book means so much to me. That's why that play means so much to me. That's why every time I pass the Indianapolis Reparatory Theatre I think of the time I almost got to go, and my ex decided to go shopping and we missed it. I think he would have been mesmerized by it. I think he could have understood me better if we had seen it. It's so hard to help you get inside of someone's head to experience their thoughts and emotions, but this play does everything right. Its staging, sound design, and script. Going with my dad made it all the more special though and when you experience something with someone you love it recolors your memory. It isn't so bad that I couldn't go with my ex, because I got to go with my dad, and suddenly it wasn't about him understanding me, it was about us mutually understanding each other.
With father's day around the corner I just want to say, "I love my dad" my dad is awesome. But we've always had a very strained relationship because we simply have never been able to communicate well or understand each other. Since I've gotten older it's gotten better, and now that he's in counseling we're really trying and working hard. He's going to come see the show tonight with me. I don't know if he's ever seen Rent, but I think it'll speak to him. It's a show that has a way of capturing your heart and soul. And, my dad lived in New York at this time. He was a mother f*ing bohemian. He was basically Collins. What a hippie! And then he moved to Flagstaff Arizona, so not exactly Santa Fe, but close! Matt is getting old, he'll be 66 in December and there is a lifetime of stories that I don't know. I hope to learn more while I can.
That's another reason why I think living with my grandma will be nice. I'll get to learn about her, her stories, what she lived through, and who she is. Pam says because of her brain injury she'll probably be irritable and grouchy all the time, and I joked "but I live with Grace so it's okay." Grandma might not really want to share or talk or visit. She's in a lot of pain, but, I'm hopeful.
And so to conclude, I'm finding happiness in my hopes. I'm discovering ways in which lemons can be lemonade or, as a friend once put it, "sweet lemon meringue pie." And hell, I'm happy with just lemons, they're my favorite flavor on the planet! I love sharing that piece of information with new people, on every first date. That's my calling card. That's how people will remember me, I'm the girl who LOVES lemons. If there's one thing that I want my ex to never forget, it's the way I ate the lemon wedges that came with my water (no ice). That's one of the little things you learn about someone that endears them to you. I know it's ridiculous to hope and hold onto something like that, that in time will disappear like every other memory we made, but I can hope, and hope brings me peace which helps me combat "Hard Times" which make me wonder "why I even try." I try because I'm hopeful.
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