So, after a week of active recruiting, I couldn't get anyone to come to swing night with me. But that's ok, Not really, it was a little miserable. I dressed up and went out and immediately the dance lesson was instructed for leaders and followers. I knew coming without a partner would be a mistake. The jazz band was wonderful, the food was fine, and ultimately I really like swing dancing. My grandparents met that way, my uncle and my aunt met that way. I want to learn how to dance. And maybe, if I show up alone to fountain square's swing night, I might meet the love of my life too. Ugh Ellen! What are you talking about with this again?!
I'm actually really proud of myself because last night Noah asked me to come over and I said I wanted to stay in a practice room and learn a song on piano instead. I don't know why I was called to Lilly but I'm really glad I went. I love Lilly. And moreover, I was able to sit at a piano and play what I wanted to. A year ago, my ex and I sat in there and he "practiced" while he really showed off his mediocre accompaniment skills. It was so much fun. I want to be like that, I want to self accompany, and I want to play songs that make me happy and I can sing to and I'm getting pretty good at it so far this semester. The Adele song I learned last night was really wonderful. I was sitting in the practice room and I put my head in my hands and I felt, sad. I tried to figure out what I wanted to say as I say alone on this piano bench after feeling so completely alone at swing night. And this is what I did say:
"When the rain is blowing in your face, and the whole world is on your case, I will offer you a warm embrace to make you feel my love." It's a sad and tragic melody with an even more heart breaking story. But, I am heart broken, and that's okay.
I saw him with another girl last night though. Sure he knows I've seen people, but he hasn't ever seen it for himself. How would that make him feel? It doesn't matter. I don't want that. I don't want to hurt him or punish him, and I don't want to jump into something I'm not ready for. Noah is a sweet guy and he's not about to be used by me. If I'll use anyone, it's bear hating Jared back home who texted me to see if I was coming to Champaign this weekend. It's weird that both of the guys from home texted me this week. I haven't talked to them in a month. In any case, I'm proud of myself for saying that I need to be single and mean it. I haven't been single for more than two months since I was 14, and I've never been single on Valentines Day, and guess what, it has now been two months since my ex and I broke up (be proud for me again because I just changed my language from something blameful (e.g. my ex broke up with me) to my ex and I broke up because this was ultimately a mutual decision, and even though it wasn't truly now it is because I've accepted this and am moving on in a healthy and mindful way) and I was about ready to jump into another codependent relationship with a narcissist. I'm really happy that I identified the pattern and I put a stop to it. I deserve more and so do the people around me. I'm just really happy for myself and my growth and my revelations.
There was shrimp pizza at Atherton today. It didn't look good at all and it didn't taste good either. But I ate it. Because, we ate it, that one single time, and that was a really truly special and incredible and amazing night. I think about my ex all the time actually. There are just all of these little things that remind me of him, not necessarily us, but him and they make me happy. They don't make me sad. I wasn't even really sad to see him with another girl, I was actually happy for him. I just felt embarrassed. I felt embarrassed that on Wednesday night I texted him to let him know that wherever he is in his process of moving on I cared about him and wanted him to be happy. What I didn't say was that I care because I love him, but I do. And last night I saw him right before bed, he was the last person I saw. I reached up to hug him and I almost said, "I love you." And that's terrifying. Because I know I do. I know I always will. I love him so much and that's why I want him to be happy. That's why I want him in my life. And I'm scared that maybe that's why I ultimately cancelled on Noah. I think that's okay, if that's the reason I did, because I just knew I didn't want to get serious with anyone right now. But, I want it to be because I'm thriving and happy, not because I'm sad and missing him.
The thing is I'm not sad. So I shouldn't be scared of how I feel. I'm really happy and I'm doing really well. I am lonely, I do miss him. But, I'm happy. I'm happy when I'm driving in my car singing, and I'm happy when I'm in Lilly Hall playing the piano. I'll be happy when Effie and my parents come tomorrow. I was happy in my social psychology class when we talked about the chameleon effect and I thought about watching Rent with my ex and how I kept switching positions in my seat just to watch him unconsciously mimic me.
He said he'd only just met her. And I think that's funny too. I know he doesn't date his friends, but maybe that's the problem. How can you have a strong and stable relationship when you don't know what sort of baggage the other person carries. I like knowing the faults of the people I'm with because then I know if I truly care about them, those will be worth it too. I wish I paid attention to his ex girlfriend's judgements about how he was selfish. I wish I had known him better, beyond the inherently impressive qualities, and to the parts of him that weren't all that pretty. Because I fell in love with him, having overlooked them. I remember the time we were leaving at the end of the semester in the spring last year so incredibly vividly. He was so angry and pissy and mean. He was mad because I didn't dry my hair right. He wouldn't talk to me. He just marched around and expected me to follow him and it was unpleasant. I told him that. I thought about how that made me feel, and how I wasn't sure I really wanted to keep him around over the summer. I considered ending it then at the end of April, and maybe I should have. I'm glad I didn't. I'm glad we had every moment together that we did, even the bad ones. But, it's possible I could have saved myself a lot of misery at the end had I decided we just be friends then. Even talking about his faults reminds me of how much I love him. I wasn't patient with him for any other reason. It was because he reminded me of my sister, who is the single most important person in my life. She gets mean, and she doesn't explain and I just love her so unconditionally. Sometimes she needs space, but at the end of the day, she'll always love me. She won't ask how my day was. She won't call me when she's sad. She won't even visit me for my birthday because she's so overwhelmed with life and school and boys. But I know she loves me.
I can't tell if he loves me. I keep saying he doesn't anymore. And I keep saying I need to distinguish love from care. I know he cares about me. He probably cares too much. I care too much. But I'm learning to care less.
Dear ex boyfriend,
I just want you to be happy. And I just want to continue to make you happy. I hope she, whoever she is makes you happy, in the same or in different ways than I did. I hope you're doing all the things you didn't think you could with me. I hope you're happy being free, because I am too. We aren't friends. And I don't think I can settle for that. You're still my family. You're like my brother. In fact I don't think there can be any other description of how close and important you are to me. And I feel you feel the same way. Because when we broke up, you didn't kiss me, you didn't fuck me, you only loved me but were not in love with me anymore. So family. That's what I feel is most appropriate, and that's what I can most handle. I told you I wanted you to be like Cole, and you are. I hope I can be like Emma if you'll let me. I'd really really like that. Because I love you.
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