A year ago I stepped into his red chevy cruise and we drove. We drove a ways down town to the place I'd been on my last first date to. He let me order shrimp as a topping on my pizza and we talked about music and movies and ate ice cream that I made sure his mother would allow him to eat. He didn't say much. I had to pry every word out of him. It was awful. There wasn't going to be a second date, I believed. Then I told him about the play I wrote, and the songs from Rent we performed and suddenly the drive home in the red chevy cruise became one of the most beautiful blessed memories I've stored in my head. I want to saw it open and drill it out like a root-canal because I don't want to remember how beautiful my laughter sounded compared his screaming. He screamed along to every word and I screamed along to every other. We didn't want to separate because we'd just discovered someone who made us feel whole. Later on he'd invite me to sing from a red song book as he tried to accompany us on piano, and he'd freeze and speak Spanish when I pulled out my phone to record us. Later on, he'd put the song, "your eyes" on a CD that still sits in the glove compartment of my car.
Today is harder than most days. Today is the super bowl and I remember going to Karen and Won's for a super bowl party and being grilled on every detail. What an epic beginning to an epic story. A story that continues on three books too long, I fear. On Friday I told him how difficult it is for me to be in contact with him. I was honest, even though I anticipated not saying anything and letting it die. I didn't expect to talk to him for three hours. I really enjoyed it. I want to see him again. I went today to a concert that his choir put on and cried throughout. It's so beautiful. Music. Life. Love. But there was a Brahms piece that hit so close to home. It reads:
The moon gleams down,
I should yet again
Go to my darling,
How does she fare?
Alas, she's despondent
And laments and laments,
That I will never see her
Again in her life!
The moon sinks,
I hurry off briskly -
Hurrying so that nobody
Shall steal my love away.
O coo, you doves!
O whir, you breezes!
- So that nobody
Shall steal my love away!
How do I fare? Well. Really well. But I miss you. I really miss you.
And I do fear that you won't see me again in my life. You won't see me, the way you did that night last year in your car, and in Jordan Hall, and every day after. I fear you'll never see me like that again. Were you watching me as I cried today, or were you looking at your conductor? Were you happy I was there? Do I ever get to know? How do you fare? I am not supposed to ask. I am no longer supposed to care. But I constantly wonder, what is this like for you? Do you feel nothing? Do you feel discomfort? Do you feel longing? Or regret? Come find me, before the moon sinks.
I went on a date on Friday night, with a boy who held my face and told me repeatedly how incredibly beautiful I was. He kissed my forehead and looked me in the eyes often. It was nice and I'm going to see him again, because I want that. I want that from you, but you will never give that to me again I believe. So, I'll let him. And maybe I'll love him.
I wrote a poem for the first boy I ever dated after we broke up. I'm kind of surprised by how relevant it is today, so I'll share it with you now:
I wish you’d write me back.
I wish I knew you’ve seen.
I just need a reply
that you know exactly what I mean.
I wish you’d read understandingly
then tell me you agree
but I can’t know what you’re thinking
about how things will now be.
You told me that you loved me
yet now I don’t existyou give the space that I require but I wish you would persist!I wish you’d call me outexpose what I’m truly scaredI want things like they used to bewhen I was certain that you cared.
Do you ever think of me with longing or regret or is this something you accept That I can not yet. let it go, let me in explain what’s going on until I receive some closure night will never reach dawn.
How I want to awake from this nightmare of a lifeI’m a bird with tethered wingsand struggle with my strifeLet me go, let me be!Untie these knots and set me free!If you think you know what’s best speak now.
How can one forever hold their peaceif peace is in the mindand if tranquility is an illusion
chaos will unwindIt will consume my existenceand spiral from controlIt will envelop my beingIt will swallow up my soul
Of all the things that happened
How am I to blame?
You know I was unhappy
with the strangers we became.
You know that I want nothing morethan for you to give a damnAnd so I am unhappierwith the person I still am.
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