Keely could have handled her friend break up with me better. She could have explained what was going on to me better and she could have told me to leave her alone as well. I can get a direct message. But as with any break up it should be done in person because you owe that other person respect. A text message is not respectful. It's cowardly because you want to be distant intentionally. You want to be secure behind your phone screen in case someone handles it poorly. I think I handled it well. But she was mean. I wished her love, and instead she told me I was a toxic friend. I think she's right. I looked up the 23 warning signs of a toxic friend and I fit the bill, atleast by how Keely perceived me and this is what is right for her. However, she told me I constantly talked down to her, which I didn't. She perceived me to have done that, but I didn't do that. I think the best thing for her is to not be friends with me but I didn't gain anything from our friendship. I think this is called growth and it makes me happy to actually be growing. I've actually made some really good changes in my life. For example, breaking things off with Noah, and again with Keely. I'm not going to worry about Keely, I won't worry about telling her how rude it was to ignore my birthday invite but respond to Ken or how rude it was she didn't ask to meet up with me. I will not worry about trying to make my life revolve around speech tournaments and Codie visits and her new job. I feel like this is a break up I can be hurt by, and saddened by, but ultimately I know it's for the best.
I wish I could feel that way about my ex. I wish I could understand the reason. Did he also feel like there were things building up that he could no longer handle? What were they? Why couldn't he tell me? Maybe that's all it was, the one fight, the one fight we had twice, and he knew it couldn't be fixed with time. I knew that I wouldn't change for Keely's comfort, and maybe he knew that he couldn't change for mine. Maybe it is for the best. I was going to call him immediately after Keely's incredibly rude and hurtful text messages. They weren't kind or constructive, the messages were only meant for her to stab me deeper and turn the knife. I wish my ex had hurt me that way. That way I could have cried and cried and cried and knew that the break up occurred and I was at the hands of its undoing. I don't think I was with him though. I don't feel at fault. I wish he could make me feel at fault. I wish I could feel like I could fix and improve myself. Oh wait!
I already tried that when this blog began. I found the problems that I could fix. But ultimately, what needs fixing is him and he needs time to do that. That's how things with Keely are going to work too. In fact, I'm my ex in the Keely situation! I am not a good person for her to be around. I enjoyed her company most of the time but maybe we were incompatible in the end and we tried to make it work longer than we should have. She requested to be treated differently, and she wasn't and so she had to remove herself from the situation. And I didn't chase her. I know I'm not what she needs right now. She's going to be happier without me but it will hurt for a while. It hurts me too, even though I'm pretty comfortable with it. I hope she is as well. I don't want to hurt her anymore, and I don't want to be hurt by her. I have no animosity towards her, only her actions and the way they affected me. I hope I didn't hurt him. I hope with time we can both grow and mature and love each other fully and completely without a small portion of us feeling broken.
I want to thank Keely for giving me the closure I never got from my ex. I feel light. I feel easy. I feel optimistic and hopeful. I know that everything we learn will help us grow. Growing can be so very very painful, but it's all for the best!
Dear ex boyfriend,
It's so interesting that as all of my personal relationships crumble around me I learn more and more about growth and myself. I am so incredibly comfortable letting them fall because I am a driven person and you've shown me that perhaps I need to care more about myself than about others now. I am a little more like you, I am doing what I want to do now more than ever and other people are just incidental. This is honestly a terribly foul attitude. Actually, I hate that.
Keely demanded a change from me and so I am now going to focus on doing that, because she's going to help me be a better person. I wish you could have been inspired to do the same. This is what makes me a better person than you are. But you knew that. You know I think the world of you. But I shouldn't. You didn't even wish me a happy birthday. You fucking piece of shit. You can't say that we're friends and not wish me a happy birthday when you saw me with your eyes twice that day.
My birthday was awesome by the way. It was so nice to be surrounded by so many people who loved me. I waited for you, and that's my own fault. It was foolish to think you still cared about me, but you led me to believe that was true. Why didn't you at least text me? Why did I wait all day for you to show some sign that you cared? Do you truly not? Are we never going to speak again? I hope not. I hope eventually you will text me or call me and ask about me so that I can tell you my wonderful news!
I'm introducing the Woods Lecture Speaker next week. His name is Dr. Daniel Willingham and he studies educational technology and its implications in the K-12 classroom. I don't know if that's what I'll focus on, but maybe that's the future of educational psychology. Maybe that's my future. I am seeing my future now and it's so bright. It's the first time I've pictured the height of success I can achieve in comparison to yours. I shouldn't compare myself to you anymore. But I just want to say, we could have had it all. Love and Success. We both could have been really really incredibly happy together, or so I imagine, but maybe we were incompatible too and I haven't seen that yet.
It's been three days since I texted you. You can text me first next time. Only then will we speak again.
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