I am completely exhausted, physically and emotionally.
The Fullbright application took everything out of me but I'm so excited and so proud. I also know I am so behind. I came back to my dorm and sat under my weighted blanket crying and finishing Love Sick because I needed to be held. It was so nice having Maggie here yesterday, we stayed up until nearly 3 in the morning.
Reuniting with a goodfriend is like falling in love all over again. We went to the basketball game, (which was amazing! GO DAWGS!) but you can't really talk there. It's like going to the movies or having a hesitant dinner to assess whether the person is pleasant company. Once back in the dorm we just began talking about courses and college and friendships and belonging. We talked about love and loss since her boyfriend recently told her that he only wanted to be friends. In fact, our timelines of relationships line up perfectly. Kaden and Maggie started dating last February too and then he got distant and busy with college applications in October or so, and then in December they had a formal discussion about just being friends. It is hard for her to be only friends with him, she sees him everywhere everyday and I encouraged her not to wonder how he's doing so much because no one actually wants someone else to worry for them.
My ex boyfriend rediscovered this blog this week and it made me nervous because I don't want him worrying about me. I don't want any more worry in his life. Yes, I worry about him, but I worry less. I really want to be friends with him in a way that we can continue to care for one another and rejoice in our achievements. I want to stay up until nearly 3 with him and fall in love with a good friend. There's a song by this band we both like, The Script--sidenote-- I was told was a "girly band" by my highschool boyfriend and so I am so grateful that my ex boyfriend didn't find it weird or lame that I enjoy their music-- detailing the experience of rekindling a romance with someone who you used to be intimate with and then life gets in the way. It's called For the First Time. I've always loved that song because there's beauty in becoming acquainted after time and space and distance. There's also a song by one of my favorite bands, Us the Duo, a group I definitely tried to get my ex boyfriend to listen to, though he never took my recommendations seriously or followed up with them, called Already Mine that I've been thinking about recently.
I think since my ex and I have reestablished communication it's easier to be at peace with being friends. I feel good about it, but I'm disappointed that he still keeps his distance and he isn't as ready to dive back into those intense feelings of intimacy. Yes, the relationship must be different. But we can be intimate without romance and I do want that back. I really miss him. I feel like I'm going to go bury myself in the homework I haven't had time for, and then I might go for a run, since I've been resting for two hours watching Glee. But, I just wanted to put it out there in the open that I miss him and I still care about him a lot. And it's intimidating to know that you feel differently than someone. I'm understanding of the fact he doesn't love me and I know he won't ever again but I hope he doesn't distance himself because he doesn't know how I feel. I am publishing my true and valid feelings here so he knows exactly how I feel. This isn't a game. This is life, and life is beautiful. Life is so exciting for me right now and I'm so happy about my fullbright and my classes and my professors and my friends. I am really really happy, I just miss him.
His birthday was yesterday and I was so proud of myself for the distance I kept. I didn't do anything nice for him. I didn't offer to take him out like last year in order to make him feel like it was his birthday. I didn't bring the candles and the lighter. I just was there for him. And that's a really healthy boundary. It's not my job to take care of other people, they just need to know I care. I'm really happy that I'm starting good habits. I'm really really proud of myself and that's how I know we can be friends. I don't like that it's easier for him to be around me if we're on our phones, I wish we could sit together and rediscover all of the wonderful things that made us so close. But then I wonder, did he only like my lack of boundaries? Did we only become close because I tried so hard? Why am I trying so hard now? It's frustrating. But, I also am practicing the healthy habit of removing myself from unpleasant situations. I'm letting him go. Because if he doesn't want the same things I do out of a friendship I need to accept that. I cannot change or control his feelings or attitudes and I don't want to! For that I'm happy and proud. I am healing in a really good way. But it's exhausting.
When you mend a broken bone it hurts and it takes time but it grows back stronger. Or when you recover from an illness your immune system is at constant work and so you are fatigued. I am a little fatigued right now, so I let him know the ball is in his court. For now, I rest, I wait, I move on.
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